My healing begins now

Submitted by SL on
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Hello all,

I've been a silent lurker on this site for about a year now. Ergo, I've been living with the knowledge that I am an addict for the same period of time.

I do have a source of oxytocin (did I get the spelling right?), but unfortunately, we are in what is usually termed a long-distance relationship. I finally summed up the courage to tell her all about my addiction about four months back, and she was pretty understanding about it. (I'm very lucky, you see?) We've often discussed that I need to stop, but my defence mechanism never allowed me to make an honourable commitment. I continued; sometimes with a blinding intensity. I'm just 22 and at my peak, after all.

But today, she pleaded, she begged me to stop. >.<

So today, I think it's high time that I quit for good.

I'll pour out my story and updates in bits, but I reckon a blog would be a better medium for that. Marnia, are you listening?

- SL

Welcome. If you have been

Welcome. If you have been lurking that long I am sure you are aware of some things. but just in case :). Have you watched the videos at the end of this wiki page ? http://www.reuniting.info/node/3343

I would also recommend going through all of the wiki pages if you have not yet. Lots of good information in there.

Also yes bloging seems to help very much. Not sure why really even after all the time I have been here. I just know it does. maybe it is the accountability part of what the videos speak of. Or just helps you clear your mind. What ever the reason just writing everything down helps.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You probably know it will be a bumpy ride at times. It will get easier though. Do not get harsh with yourself and just do not give up on yourself and things will be fine.

Have you told her about this site ? It might be helpful for her to read some of the support stuff on here. If she knows trust me talking with her will really help. especially if she has the information from this site. Talking with people that know what you are going through really helps. It helped me a great deal. I am not sure I would have made it past the porn as quickly as I did without someone to talk to.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

Yes, I'm listening

and you're all set to blog away.

As you know, ultimately you have to do this for yourself. If you're doing it just 'cause you feel bad about displeasing your sweetie it probably won't work. You'll feel worse than necessary after any relapse.

So do it for yourself. Wink

Welcome

to the journey!

I've had people tell me I just needed to stop as well. Two different priest in confession. I figured they said that because of either one of three reasons. One, they have no problem with this, and don't have a clue how hard it is to "just stop." Two, they're just as messed up as I am an don't really know what else to tell me. Three, they somehow got the impression I'm not that wrapped up in it, that I'm just occasionally deciding to do it, so it shouldn't be a big deal to stop.

But this habit really does create some addictive patterns in the brain like any drug, and just as addictive. And unlike drugs, you can't go somewhere where you can get away from it. I suppose you could go to some clinic for a few months where they feed you salt peter and never leave you alone, but that's not likely to happen. But the drug goes with you, everywhere you go, and for most people, there are multiple opportunities in a day to take advantage of it.

The bottom line is this is likely to be a take three steps forward and one or two back progress. If you're persistent, and keep working on it, using the tools that you have no doubt read on this site, eventually you can gain control of it. I know I've already seen progress in myself, and I've yet to even go totally none for weeks. Since Feb. 13th when I started this, I've had the least amount of orgasms than during most periods of my life, even during the last few years. So I consider that progress. I've even gone a week without, which hasn't happened for years.

Retraining the brain and rewiring the addictive pathways that have been created by years of masturbation and/or porn use takes time. That's why it will be important for her to understand this as well as you. She can be the most supportive and helpful if she understands that and encourages you when you slip up rather than beat you over the head with failure. It's not a matter of just stopping. It's more like a train, it may take a few miles to come to a complete and full stop.

But that takes persistence, and is why it is important that you be fully on board with this, and not just doing it because she wants you to. What I've found helped me, because when I first started reading this site I had no desire to abstain at all. My limbic brain was saying, "Run away, run away!" But what convinced me that I really wanted to do this was the desire to find out what life is like past 2-3 weeks without. I wanted to find out what I was missing out on, if anything. Once I've discovered that, then I think I'll be able to make a more straight decision on what to do from there. I'll already be in the abstaining mode. And if I find life is much clearer and better on that side of the orgasm fence, I very well may want to settle down over there.

I don't expect I'll never have orgasm again. I mean, my wife and I will on occasion. But what drives me now is simply wanting to know for myself what improvements I'll discover if I abstain for three to four weeks. So my goal is to go through June without orgasm. I've only done it once in my life, back in the 80s when I was in my 20s. You'd think I would have settled down, coming up to 50 years of age, but the addictive path has been reinforced by years of daily orgasms during most periods. It might actually average 1.2 orgasms a day if you were to actually calculate it.

Go into it knowing what you're facing, knowing that you may very well go for a while good and then slip up. Great if you don't, but most of us aren't able to dewire the addictive brain patterns so easily. As long as both of you are aware of that, and you are committed to working on it no matter how many times you fail, then you can do it. If your girlfriend can be supportive of you when you do slip up, assuming she knows about it, and is happy that you are working on it, however long it takes, then it's unlikely you'll fail. :)

Good luck.

Thanks everyone

.. for the support. I am deeply overwhelmed and I regret having jumped on board so late. But, anyway, I am happy that I finally did it. Smile

@James: I haven't seen all the videos yet, but I'll make sure that's on the top of my to-do list. And as for your suggestion about telling her, I'm doing it as I write this.

@Marnia: I'm doing this for myself, yes. Because I want to be a better person for her. I hope that works well.

@Cole: I identify with most of what you've written. The time I went around 10 days was coincidentally the time I was with her. And that is the only time in the last 3-4 years that I've actually not had cravings. This time I'm hoping I can go longer and the journey will be an arduous one, I know. Smile

I'll start blogging soon. I was initially under the impression that it would be a 'solo' show (no pun intended), but I think I can look forward to feedback from your wonderful folks!

- SL