Boy, am I ever paying for my past transgressions!

Submitted by girnigoe on
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Forgive me if I ramble a bit. I would truly appreciate your input.

It's ironic that even a year ago I wouldn't have wanted to hear any of this, but today it's all I can think about. Marnia's Peace book, which is currently on its way to my by mail, apparently tops off what I've long understood about "tantra" and sacred sex, though I've never had opportunity to practice any of that. Not yet.

What really amazes me is how all the gung ho hype about free love and easy life styles is total rubbish: one can almost posit gremlin-like Children of Darkness (right out of a Jack Chick Bible Tract) spreading the "good word," just to lead people astray and ruin their lives. I've certainly been fooled in the past, but I digress...

It's the neuro-chemical insights that cinch it for me, though I can almost hear the yelps of dismay from those who cry out against reducing everything to a chemical equation. Oddly, just a week ago I was equally impressed when reading from Goldschneider and Elffer's book on astrological personology, "The Secret Language of Relationships;" anyone in need of an eyebrow raising is invited to look it up at Amazon com and examine the reader reviews. So is it chemical? Or is it Magical? Both, no doubt!

About four months ago a woman who does business with my employer and I began to slowly become more and more appreciative of each other, first in our work-a-day interactions, then during several lunches out, short visits, phone calls, and occasional borrowed (or stolen) moments together at one office or the other. Now we find ourselves engaged in a sort of secret friendship of the "more than friendship" variety. I let her know how much I have come to adore her and she has been about equally appreciative. We have barely been able to arrange for a few covert hugs; we touch hands when we get chance and look into each others eyes, but overall there's never time or opportunity to spend anywhere near enough time together. Nevertheless, the oxytocin just flows and flows... and I never even heard of it until reading about it here the other day.

We are both in long-term marriages. Mine is totally stagnant; she's trying to get out of hers, but family and business arrangements preclude it at the time. She's running a family business, with several people and various contracts dependent upon her and all kinds of fires to put out (sometimes over and over again each week, it seems) to the point that she's wound up and stressed more than anybody I've ever known before. Headaches and more. And it doesn't look like it will ever get any better, at least not in the next six to eight months.

She says I am a very calming influence for her and even our brief phone conversations alleviate her stress. It's much the same with me, two or three minutes alone on the phone with her pretty much makes my day. An actual meeting, spending ten minutes alone is total bliss. Last Friday, we managed to steal a whole hour for coffee out and I had a song in my heart all weekend long.

I've written some Muse inspired love poems, which I've passed to her during some of our stolen moments, in which we also discuss the most amazing things.

She is not into causal sex, and has never had any; and for the first time ever I was really glad to hear a woman say that, because I know what happens... and now after reading the pages of this website I know why.

Since meeting my friend, I really don't care if I never ejaculate again, though I realize that might be a tough row to hoe in the real world. The intense love I feel for her is something I would do anything to avoid ruining. She is also one of the sweetest and most caring and thoughtful people I've ever met, though not one to allow herself to be pushed around.

Meanwhile, when I read about sleeping together in underwear I have to smile and think how thankful I would be if we could even just sit in a vacant meeting room and hold hands for three or four minutes once or twice next week.

Quoting your article, "The Big O Isn't Orgasm:"

Quote:
"The primary conscious behavior or thought process that increases oxytocin is caring for another. Appreciation, generous touch, gratitude, and emotional connections with others also raise oxytocin levels."

That is so true!

Something promises me the two of us will be together someday (married, I hope, and she seems to approve of my idea, at least in theory), and I am pretty sure she will approve of controlled sexual intimacy, which idea I am going to introduce to her as soon as I understand it enough to expound upon it well in my own words (and of course, as soon as we have another lunch together, so I can explain it, which may not be for another long week).

So isn't life strange? I mention the above situation because I plan to be reading this forum and site (and the book when it arrives by mail). Perhaps I shall need some advice.

Thanks for "listening." Comments appreciated. For example, how can I introduce these ideas to my friend, given that my presentation will need to be brief and to the point. Maybe I could make it a poem? If so, what are the most basic elements necessary for a full understanding? Yes, I like this poem idea. You can post it here if I'm successful and if you approve of it. Please advise!

Boy, am I ever paying for my past transgressions!

Thanks for the kind words, and the concern.

Yes, it could be a bit early to discuss such matters. Unless the parties involved are open-minded and accustomed to discussing "everything," and have developed mutual trust and quite a degree of dedication to each other and to their relationship.

My actual concerns were with being able to discuss and expound in a way that my friend (or anybody) could understand the subject matter. I spent the long weekend reading various files (essays and articles). In a way I'm reminded of discussing how to get a Purchase Order issued working at a government bureaucracy: it's easy enough if you know how, but should you want to tell someone about the process in a way they will understand it.... lots of luck!

We met this afternoon; and as our conversation has been heading in this direction, I did discuss the topic, both from a viewpoint of "karezza" and "the debilitating effects of 'normal' sexual relations on relationships" (including the dopamine and related neurochemicals. My friend is very interested, but as I imagined, my exposition was not the most lucid. I still need to work up a really first rate verbal presentation.

Comments anyone?

Boy, am I ever paying for my past transgressions!

Hello girnigoe

From what I understand from the book, and from my own experience with this practice, you need to be living/sleeping together for the shift to take place and for further unfolding.
So, judging by the description of your situation, there is no need to rush.
And I would caution you not to rush. Wanting things to happen and shift and unfold, before the time was right, added suffering to my experience.

My partner and I were close friends for some time before we became partners. Partly we were content with our friendship, and partly we were not wanting to recreate past experiences of suffering that conventional sex seemed to initiate. Then we were both intoduced to Peace Between the Sheets from different friends at around the same time. When we discovered we were both reading it, we decided to read it together and our divine union was born.
I wish a similar story for you.

Enjoy the Miracles

Harold

Boy, am I ever paying for my past transgressions!

Hello harold,

Yes, living together. That could be quite a ways in the future (or who knows... there's no guarantee). Nevertheless, IMHO, education and knowledge is always better than its lack.

Regarding, rushing, I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful for her friendship, that's true, because I'm extremely grateful. In many ways, it seems like such a coincidence (and as you may know, coincidences don't really exist Smile

Your own situation has quite a bit of amazement in it. This is a fairly obscure book and you were both reading it at the same time!

Thanks for the pleasant wish. We'll see.

harold wrote:
From what I understand from the book, and from my own experience with this practice, you need to be living/sleeping together. . .

. . .Partly we were content with our friendship, and partly we were not wanting to recreate past experiences of suffering that conventional sex seemed to initiate. . .

. . . Then we were both intoduced to Peace Between the Sheets from different friends at around the same time. . .

I wish a similar story for you.
Harold