I'm not sure if this site is open to homosexual users, but please do not tell me that I *should* become straight or that lesbianism is a symptom of porn. That is not helpful to me in any way. I have felt non-heterosexual most of my life and heterosexual porn is something I've used to punish myself.
My real name is not Celeste, otherwise I wouldn't use it here. I'm a lesbian and I have dealt with a lot of shame and bigotry (much of it coming from my own parents). For a long time I used porn for mostly self-abusive reasons. I created this persona for myself that was what I thought a detached, angry, abusive male would be like (I in no way assumed that ALL men were detached, angry, or abusive but this persona was based on that). I was abused sexually by a female and watching violent anti-woman porn allowed me to pretend I wasn't a woman and that I was "punishing" the abuse I experienced. It also allowed me to "fight back" against people putting heterosexuality on a pedestal. But eventually I realized that no matter what persona I created I WAS a woman and the women in porn were not my abuser, they were just women like me. I stopped watching porn and now I'm engaging in self-abusive masturbation. I find penetration and all things very painful and sometimes I want the porn back to just make the physical pain less. I masturbated last night and it was seriously triggering for the rape as well as SERIOUSLY physically painful. I still hurt right now. I dream about porn and think about it a lot although I'm two and a half months sober. My last time watching porn was in March. I watched it once in March after having a relapse in January (I had to visit my family which always breaks me psychologically). January was a sad relapse since I hadn't done it in about four months before that. I'm doing well I suppose with not doing porn but now I'm just in an awful lot of pain, hating myself and wanting sex to go away. People tell me that engaging in sex or having a sexual partner isn't *required* but I feel like my worth as a human being will be compromised if I don't find a way to "take it" or endure whatever a partner would want to put me through. And the "lesbians won't want to hurt you" argument doesn't work because my experience tells me that women can be just as sadistic and demanding and cruel as male abusers can be. Abuse and violence aren't about gender as much as people think they are I don't think.
Anyway...that's my situation :-(.