New to karezza, unknowingly picked up some bonding cues

Submitted by MarriedMan on
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Hey Everyone,
This might be a pretty exhaustive introduction; I'd just like to give some background and may be frequenting the site to share my experience with karezza as I pursue it.

I've fairly recently discovered this idea of orgasm-free loving. In the past I've noted how crappy I feel the day after an orgasm (tired, difficulty focusing, unambitious, lack of motivation), but viewed it as an unfortunate necessity. I think I've sort of lost sight of these effects and accepted a lower level of quasi-equillibrium with very brief highs.

This isn't what got me interested in karezza though; it was more the idea of tender loving and increased closeness. Maybe I'm odd as a male, but I really like the idea of sex as a bonding experience rather than a way to orgasm. I think I may be more touchy-feely-lovey as a result of my mom's behavior when I was a baby / child; she had at least 5 different touch-bonding activities for me and my sister to help us sleep (the face game, using her finger to spell things on our backs, draw pictures on our backs, etc); of course she didn't call them bonding activities - she was just trying to be a good mom.

So anyway, over the past week or two I've been investigating this more thoroughly, ordered a copy of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow off Amazon and have been reading that (have read most of the book). Unfortunately (or fortunately?) my wife's on a 2-week vacation at the moment, so we can't get started with experimenting - this does give me plenty of time to read the book though, and I've noticed something funny. Recently it seems like our relationship has taken a bit of an upswing. I think partially this is a result of an upswing in sexual activity (namely when treated as a bonding activity, such as in missionary when I can hold her).
But we've also picked up some funny habits recently, and these are actually mentioned as bonding cues in the book. The thing that rang a bell in my head was the bonding cue "... hum or tone together." as this seems like a really silly thing to do, but my wife and I had picked up the habit of doing it. We'd be cuddling, and then I'd make a silly falsetto tone (as my voice is much deeper, and to even get our vocal ranges to overlap I have to go falsetto), then she'd match it and we'd keep going as long as we could, then just crack up laughing euphorically. It just made us so happy to be together; it was like a really gentle tickle fight or something.
So that was the first thing that really rang a bell while reading, but we also have a habit of just staring into each other's eyes for several moments, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if you don't have any rationale for it, but we like doing it. We'll be standing in the shower together and then we'll just happily stare into each other's eyes for no reason - very primitive, but also apparently very effective and mentioned in the book.

That's my recent history with the karezza approach, and when my wife gets back in a week, I'll start discussing this experiment with her. I think she has also noted some downsides to orgasms (not least of which is acne flareups). I think she'll be pretty receptive to the idea, as she's pretty cuddly (I think she'll also appreciate not leaking after sex).
My biggest anxiety is about the first two weeks of resetting. I tend to have weird sex dreams a few days into 'celibacy', and don't look forward to whatever antsiness I might experience. I've seriously considered trying to abstain until my wife gets back, then immediately start up the three weeks of exchanges and bonding cues, but I keep caving (boredom and self-defeatist "well I can hardly hope to go a full week on my own!" mentality). On top of that mentality, I'm really not sure there's any benefit to abstaining until she gets back, so I have some reasonable rationale to not do it. I'm hoping we can help ease each other into it.

Just to be clear on our relationship (about 6 years long), we don't have any real problems, but we also don't have any real outstanding features and I think a karezza approach could really improve the relationship and our lives (at minimum, I can see more bonding cues, with conventional sex, being a big improvement). I think the use of bonding cues is brilliant; it taps into a very primal part of the brain that you have no real control over; I wonder if that's what causes things like Nightingale syndrome - subconcious bonding that can't be restricted by logical thought. For relationships it's a bit like fighting fire with fire - you've got the primal need to get your rocks off, but then you're soothing that with the primal bonding with another person.

My personal feelings on the book are that it would be great reading for anybody, teens to centenarians. The spiritual stuff is definitely not my bag (the nontechnical use of the word energy in society gives me twitches, though I've found a good way to cope with being a technical stickler is replacing words like 'energy' with 'sensation' or some such), and I'm even a bit skeptical of a lot of the scientific studies in evidence, but the logic is so damn sound and I've experienced some of the effects. I've got the engineering mentality, so I ain't gonna argue with empirical results just because I don't fully buy the preliminary studies justifying it.

Hopefully the above will fill in a bit of somebody's queries and encourage them to pursue their own understanding of relationships. I think I'll try to update in a week or two with initial response from my wife and results of our activities, assuming she's up for it (as much for my own record keeping and edification as anyone else's)


Your observations are most welcome. It's wonderful that your wife is on the same wavelength, so you're able to experiment together.


Thanks for your thoughtful comments

It's great having your feedback about the humming and gazing. So simple, yet so obvious...if you know that these behaviors derive from infant-caregiver cues. Sounds like your mom did a great job. Sometimes I wonder if men can easily find a balance between their breeding and bonding programs if they haven't experienced rewarding bonding behaviors as children. Without ever registering bonding behaviors as "rewarding," it's natural to look strictly to orgasm for rewards.

Yes, ultimately, the results have to speak for themselves. And even Gary and I wish there was more research on point. Smile There simply isn't yet, because people haven't been looking under this particular rock using research. I did the best I could to trot out some dominoes that line up in hopes that people might open their minds a bit.

I've enabled you to blog in case you want to start your own thread.