Quitting Porn and Masturbating is Self Discovery

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Submitted by Dano_Clarke on
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I feel very proud of myself that I've only jerked off twice in a month and a half and haven't looked at any porn. I've never been able to talk to or relate to anyone about the topic of masturbation because none of my close friends ever want to talk about it. Plus there is so much shame in saying you have a problem with porn

It wasn't till I got here that I realized that in order to quit porn I'd have to quit masturbating. All these experiences are new. I bought the Doidge book but I'm still working my way thru Cupids PA.

I get a little discouraged as a single man reading about the exchanges not having a partner but since I'm back to like day 3 or something part of me knows that if I met a girl that was cool right now there's no way anything like Karezza would happen. I feel like dating is hard enough without trying to get people to forgo orgasm, or ask them to cuddle more. I feel like I'll be chasing people away by seeming too needy. "Wait lets cuddle" or "let's stare at each other for like ten minutes."

Most of these thoughts are influenced by the fact that change is slow and my intellectual brain isn't fully in control. My intellectual brain knows that I'd be waaaay happier with a girlfriend/partner who is open to trying the exchanges/Karezza. I also have a kind of intuitive faith that if I try it, it will probably work! Yet man I'm still biting my nails and trying to replace these urges with constructive other activities.

I'm really just rediscovering what life was like back before I masturbated so much or looked at porn. I have decoded my brain slightly, like how the longing for intimacy is wrapped up with intense desire for sex and teasing out those two things helps put a lot of my relationships into sharp relief. Would I have been so dissatisfied with my ex's had I known what I know now about the brain and Karezza? Guess it doesn't matter.

Right now I'm just glad I've made some progress and I'm glad there are good people out there who read this boring shit!


A partner will come because

A partner will come because you are making space for one by learning to take care of yourself this way. I dont think you will have to worry about them thinking anything weird about cuddling if you are taking care of yourself. Karezza seems to be natural. It seems like things start to fall into place if you take care of the basics. Just worry about keeping porn out of your life right now and find ways to deal with your underlying shame, before you know it, you'll be in a better place and ready to offer someone something.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.


One step at a time. No matter how you plan your future...it will be different than you are expecting. So just do what you need to do right now, and wait for it to unfold.

Congratulations on your progress, and your discoveries.

*big hug*

Thank you comrades

I'm still new to this thing and you are aware of the ups and downs. Lately, I've been meeting young women ranging in age from 25 - 30. When I get a phone number a huge rush of reward circuitry "touchdown" signals come through. Then if she doesn't call back or whatever the corresponding let down. This actually is getting to be more fun now that I'm not so motivated to orgasm (although I'm still very much in a passion cycle and if a sexual opportunity comes up I don't know if I could hold back because I've never tried.)

Now I can take my time and care less about the outcome because it's not all about how fast I can get them in the sack. I have a tendency to obsess over lost sexual opportunities, even some from many years ago, and that used to be a negative feedback loop where I would think of myself as a loser for ruining it, without my conscious knowledge. Then I would not be confident when I would inevitably meet another girl that liked me.

I don't know if I've mentioned that apart from all this tedium about my sex life (or lack thereof) I am a musician and I've made a lot of headway on my debut CD and I'm putting a band together. So there really is some truth to the "transmutation of sexual energy" that happens when one refrains from masturbating and orgasmic sex. I now have some proof in my own life so that is really a positive thing. My exercise regimen has given me some results as well and I look forward to keeping that habit for the rest of my life.

I used to think all that "transmutation" stuff sounded like so much metaphysical hogwash. I don't know how to explain it scientifically but I'm sure someone can. I also wrongly thought the "transmutation" would work if I'd just stop having sex with women and that having sex with myself didn't matter. No wonder I was convinced it wouldn't work!

Very cool

to hear about the band. I've noticed many positive things about how this practice affects my life. The Daoists called it "aligning with the Dao." And it does sort of feel like that. There's less struggle, and more of a flow. Things just come together without so much struggle.

I hear you clearly on this

I hear you clearly on this one. I can really identify with this post because a lot of my recovery work has been dealing with these feelings and thoughts. I think both the romance and the sex addiction is very active in us and we are finally making the space for a new paradigm concerning relationships in our lives.

I dont really concern myself with the metaphysical questions about it either, there might be something to it, but its easier and better for me to think of it as doing something to regain my humanity and peace of mind. It is a good feeling to finally find something that has the potential to work, its a relief.

Congrats on your music, Im sure you have an edge with that being a little clearer in your head. Everything improves for me as well, school, outlook on life, managing life. Maybe its just being more accepting and present with ourselves. I would imagine you would really need that to make and continue to make art.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.

just wanted to say.....

Your not alone with that lost sexual encounters thing. I used to do that alot. I even felt some of the girls i missed out with had some real potential as long term girlfriends. But i realize there are plenty of women out their, just gotta find the right one. I originally came to this site because i couldn't perform in a sexual situation a year and a half ago, that really wasn't fun for me. However it may have been really good for me, it made me take a look at myself, made me realize that i had a problem. Everything happens for a reason, this i truely believe, and in the end it will all work out.