I wanted to introduce myself to the group. I am a 47 year old man married to the same lovely woman for 20 plus years. My wife and I have developed an interest in sacred sexuality/Tantra and have been practicing male sexual continence with orgasm denial for some time now. We evolved into this over time not to cure addiction or because of any relationship issues but instead to enhance our mutual pleasure in the bedroom.
We kind of slowly gravitated toward male ejaculatory orgasm denial quite frankly because my wife has a higher capacity sex drive than I do and I suffer greatly from “post release depression” after ejaculating.
In our early days as a couple I lived in hog heaven because my lady wanted sex at least as much as I did and we spent countless hours exploring nearly every loving act two people could share together.
Depending on where she was in her monthly cycle (lots more amorous during 5-7 days surrounding ovulation) she might want sex every day for three or four days in a row then every other day or every third day for the majority of the rest of the month (when she was not having her period).
I have always been a prodigious ejaculator and the older I got the longer it took to recharge my batteries to the point where I was really horny and hungry for sex again and my wife could be challenging to keep up with at times.
I have always been a firm believer in never refusing the desires of my lovely wife and gladly used cunnilingus or toys to keep her happy when my tank was empty and she still wanted more than I could give her. As much as I enjoyed "servicing" her in this way she was never really comfortable with what she saw as an imbalance in our relationship.
In our earlier years together my wife insisted in full equity in the bedroom and felt that if she had an orgasm that she owed me one so there was a lot of short but very intense sessions where she would have one orgasm followed by my orgasm. We would then have to wait until I recharged my batteries for another go.
When I investigated the Eastern philosophy of Tantra and read about men consciously withholding semen during the sex act and actively managing scores of concubines and having full sexual congress with woman after woman and bringing each to orgasm again and again I could not bring myself to believe it was possible. After all I was a very healthy and active man and I struggled at times to keep up with just one woman.
It wore on me until I decided I just had to try it for myself. As an experiment I planned a sexy interlude with my wife with extended foreplay focusing entirely on her pleasure, only entering her after she was smoking hot.
It was difficult to overcome the years of conditioning I had been subjected to – as most males are biologically and culturally conditioned from an early age that ejaculation was "the" goal during sex. I would normally hold off only as long as it took my wife to reach her orgasm then finish myself off within a few minutes.
This time I resisted the urge and simply languished within her, paying close attention to her responses. Instead of thrusting she seemed to want me to stay in deep and grind her clitoris against me (hello coital alignment technique). I obliged and within a few minutes she was coming, and as I was still hard after scant moments she was coming again, and then again.
I was astonished, as she was not always able to reliably reach orgasm during intercourse (in our early days over 20 years ago), to find my wife was multi – orgasmic. Most of her orgasms up to this point were from oral/manual stimulation. At this point my nuts were ready to explode so I feigned a Charlie Horse in my leg and withdrew. I made a big deal out of trying to walk it off to no avail and finally told her we would have to finish me tomorrow.
The following day I was so horny my balls ached and I was almost frantic with need but I wanted to see if we could repeat the day before. I once again made a ceremony of our activities slowly caressing and massaging her body until she was writhing and moaning, teasing her until she begged me to mount her. I slid in deep and made a point of riding high within her, applying as much pressure as I could right on her clit.
Staying deep without the usual thrusting I found myself in no danger of coming and was able to focus on her response to me and was able to match her every bump and grind as she came over and over again. I was so into her coming in this way I completely forgot about my own pleasure.
After she was sated she rewarded me with the blowjob of my life, sucking and licking with incredible animation, finally sliding a finger in my ass rubbing my prostate as I experienced the most utterly intense orgasm of my entire life.
We came to understand that both of us benefited when I did not ejaculate right away and in subsequent sessions we began extending the time between my orgasms from days to weeks and beyond to the point I experienced my first male "expanded" orgasmic response that is much touted in Tantra. A paradigm shift took place at this time and instead of ejaculatory orgasm being the goal I now looked upon it as a roadblock to experiencing higher levels of pleasure.
At this time everything seemed to click and all the talk about energy exchange during the sex act that Tantra and sacred sexuality described began to make sense. We continued to build upon what we learned through experiencing this process and soon found out that my wife's orgasmic response had been limited for many years because I simply could not match her sexually. In my humble opinion no man is the equal of a woman in the bedroom under normal conditions. I found that by using the Tantric philosophy of continence this leveled the playing field.
Since ejaculating was no longer our goal my wife knew I would remain hard and last as long as it took to insure her total satisfaction and this gave her the freedom to fully relax into the sex act and really connect with her body and explore her sexual response to the fullest. She began having multiple orgasms regularly during intercourse and things continue to develop even now as she has long strings of expanding waves of orgasms that she describes as ten to fifteen orgasms end to end followed by a short plateau then repeat the cycle three to four more times during a single session of intercourse. Some begin as clitoral and some are triggered by "G" spot stimulation. She has said if she had to put a number to it she regularly has 30 to 40 orgasms every time we make love. A very wild and fulfilling ride indeed. The sheer intensity of the female orgasmic response is mind bending and I am just glad to be a part of her experience. My wife insists this happens because I bring so much more energy to our lovemaking these days now that I no longer ejaculate. I am always ready when she wants it and it doesn't end until she says stop. I do get a little perverse pleasure that she is now the one that begs me to stop at the end of a session. I do love to be able to please my woman.
Limiting (eliminating) my ejaculatory orgasms was the best thing that ever happened to us, bringing us to a level of intimacy few people share. I no longer masturbate at all, preferring to save all my sex energies for my lovely wife and our activities together.
We found the greatest pleasure a man could experience was the endorphin high that occurs during extended tease and denial sessions. That is what happened in our case. My wife has me completely programmed not to ejaculate but to instead savor the incredible endorphin high and I am beginning to be able to regularly experience a sort of multiple orgasmic response (similar to what women are capable of if I am correct) I would describe as waves of bliss that can last for many minutes - we have gone as long as 10 minutes and more until I was literally so exhausted I had to stop - without conventional male burst pattern orgasm being a part of it at all. It appears that we have found the way to trick my body into elevating endorphin levels far beyond what most men experience during orgasm and this is very, very satisfying. Instead of the act being over with a brief intense squirt it can last as long as you want it to.
Both my wife and I believe this has created a more balanced dynamic between us in the bedroom and the increased level of intimacy has carried over into all other aspects of our relationship. We are having way more sex now (and way more satisfying sex) in our forties then we ever had in our 20's and 30's. And our intimate connection and level of bonding is stronger than ever.
I was very intrigued by our real life experiences and seeking the science that could help us understand it.
More than any other site or resource I have seen so far Reuniting speaks to the biochemical activity in the body that drives human behavior. Based on what I have read here the consensus is that both men and woman both should avoid “orgasm” and all activities that raise dopamine levels in order to avoid the addiction that results from extreme endorphin cycling.
The reuniting.info/science page really illustrates the neurochemical effects of orgasm and explains what causes the crash and burn effect of the Dopamine fallout that men experience after we ejaculate. I know this is what drives my issues with “post release depression.” I cannot however make this same connection with women as our (my wife and I’s) real life experience illustrates something different is going on.
At a neurochemical level, the sensation of orgasm occurs primarily in the brain. A massive release of dopamine (“the pleasure/reward” hormone) takes place in both the female and the male which is closely followed by the release of the neurotransmitter prolactin. The effect of prolactin is very different and much more profound and devastating for the man than it is for the woman and is directly tied to the amount of testosterone (or other male only factor “MOF”) in the body. Prolactin utilizes testosterone (or “MOF”) in a catalytic fashion to block the effects of dopamine and oxytocin. Because a man has many times the amount of testosterone (or “MOF”) that a woman does prolactin literally burns up all the feel good and bonding hormones within seconds of the male orgasm so the few seconds of incredible dopamine high is followed by a big crash—as the man’s nerve cell receptors “down regulate” to defend against further excess and promote equilibrium. Mankind has made the connection between a drug or alcohol high and a hangover, but we seldom consciously make the connection between conventional male orgasm and a hangover. This effect is minimized in the woman because there is very little testosterone )or “MOF”) for the prolactin to interact with, so the effects of pleasure and bonding endorphins last much, much longer and many woman claim a halo effect or afterglow that can last for some hours, even days.
We found this “science” backed up our real life experience as my wife was and still is easily capable of multiple orgasms and has experienced as many as ten expanded events in a row which is simply unreal – but even more amazing is that she can experience this pleasure without the dopamine “fallout” that I experience. I have called her the “energizer bunny” because she can just keep on going, and going, and going. It doesn’t make sense that women could be this multi-orgasmic if the same “crash and burn” dopamine fallout mechanism that affects men was also active in women. From our experience it is not – and if it is active at all certainly not to the same degree that men experience.
I may be off base here but find myself at odds with the perspective on dopamine driven addiction. I do believe many (most) men fall into this trap so it certainly exists but I cannot agree on the “cure” for the “affliction” by avoiding any and all activities that would “elevate” dopamine levels. I mean you can elevate this pleasure endorphin by eating a piece of your favorite cake – not of the same magnitude as full sexual congress with lots of T&D play but are we to forgo all pleasurable activities for the sake of avoidance of potential addiction? In my humble opinion you avoid the huge dopamine “cycling” and the resulting addiction in the process of avoiding male ejaculatory orgasm. There is no real reason for men to limit dopamine elevation as long as we take care to avoid the fallout.
I also do not believe women should have to give up orgasms because they do not experience any where near (if any at all) the magnitude of dopamine fallout that we men do – and therefore are no where near as susceptible to dopamine driven addictive behavior.
The Coolidge effect is very real – I just don’t see the neurological effect of orgasm affecting women as profoundly as it does men. Orgasms are for different genetically driven purposes in men than they are in women. For men the orgasm is the motivation to deposit the sperm. Once the sperm is delivered there is no purpose for more pleasure – no reason for erection or arousal. Hence the shut down mechanism. In women the orgasm (remember they can have more than one) is motivation to be receptive to more than one male to increase genetic variety (remember we started out as communal “pack” animals). Hence no shut down mechanism. If we are honest with ourselves it is clear nature programmed us for non-monogamy to insure genetic diversity. It is also clear that our “genetic engineering” is a huge component in relationship disharmony in modern times.
I have always approached sexuality with my partner from a perspective of maximizing the “pleasure” for both of us and building and sharing the energy of joining. To me a woman generates maximum sexual “energy” and maximum pleasure in the process of multiple orgasms and this should always be the goal for her. For a man on the other hand maximum energy and maximum pleasure is cultivated by extended stimulation without release so the dopamine fallout is avoided. My wife and I found it surprisingly simple to learn to manipulate the biochemical effects of extreme tease and denial for our benefit by taking a slow deliberate approach with lots of affectionate play time. We focused totally on our “pleasure” and driving both of us to higher levels of “pleasure” and did not worry about “orgasm” (though my lovely wife was coming like a rocket because we were so active). The key to outwitting my male biology was to focus on releasing a steady supply of heart-opening oxytocin (also known as “the cuddle hormone”) and not permit the dopamine fallout that occurs from conventional male ejaculatory orgasm.
Though most people don’t realize it a man’s dopamine levels steadily rise from the point of initial arousal and erection and get higher and higher the closer he gets to orgasm. This is nature’s way to insure the man continues until the semen is released. If the release is delayed, the body instinctively increases the concentration of pleasure endorphins relentlessly in the pursuit of the orgasm. If orgasm is denied, but stimulation is maintained to keep the man just under the semen release point you can trick his body into producing and discharging more of the pleasure endorphins than are ever normally released during an ejaculatory orgasm. Once the serum levels of these pleasure endorphins reach a certain saturation threshold a state of euphoria takes place that can be described as a “whole body experience” or “Tantric Waves of Bliss”, etc. These “whole body orgasms” are as delicious as “burst orgasms” (for me anyways) and even before I had my first one with my wife my dopamine levels were so elevated from being repeatedly taken to such high states of arousal I found I wanted this more than I wanted to have an ejaculatory orgasm. There was just more pleasure in it.
My wife and I have expanded on this to the fullest and find the intimacy and bonding that result from “sharing” this much pleasure go way beyond what most couples ever experience. It is that good.
I think it is kind of neat we can use the power of our minds to overcome our genetic engineering and engage in an “enlightened” approach to sex without male ejaculatory orgasm that can provide more pleasure for the man and the woman. The fact that this type of sex also promotes pair bonding and monogamy like nothing else provides a huge boost to relationships in these troubled times.
Our journey has taken us some years and much experimentation to get to where we are today. Since our approach is a little different I am very interested to hear what others think about this. I believe our “philosophy” loosely follows what was the original intent of ancient eastern Tantric sexuality – it definitely works for my wife and I – and I wonder if there is any science to support this position.
Great site by the way – huge wealth of knowledge here.