Walking on Egg Shells

Submitted by vm22 on
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Here's a thought, stop walking on egg shells? What I mean is to stay true to yourself. Stay true to your values.

Coming off a porn high and then trying to abstain is like walking on egg shells for some. Some are even so afraid to even look at a beautiful image in fear that they will give in. For the first few days I thought like this. But then I realized that this makes me powerless. I realized that that wasn't me and that I never want to feel powerless.

I believe all addicitions are rooted in a person's lack of self-esteem. I grew up insecure just like most people in this world. But as I've gotten older I realized that staying true to who you are is the best thing you can do for yourself. For example, I was dating this girl for a few months who became overly materialistic. I realized she liked me for my money. So I stopped seeing her because she didn't fit my core values. I could have kept seeing her just for the sex but then what would that make me? A slave to sex and someone driven by their physical desires rather than their core beliefs. Afterwards, I didn't feel I was missing out anything. I actually felt more confident because I stuck to my beliefs.

Porn addicition was a lot like that experience. I wanted short term pleasures while compromising who I was. No one wants to be a porn addict. They do it because it feels a gap in their life. It fills a core belief that is missing in them. The only way to get out of that trap is to reestablish your core belief. The best way to do this is to make decisions based on them and stick to it. Ask yourself? Is this in line with my beliefs? Is this who I really am? If you fall behind in your progress, don't fret and get back up.

Let's stop walking on egg shells.

Also question your beliefs.

Also question your beliefs.

I.e. Shame about looking at porn. What are we ashamed about!?! There's nothing actually fundamentally wrong with looking at porn. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with abusing ourselves. Just because other people may say it's wrong, or may form an opinon of you, doesn't actually make them right either.

I liked the article I read

that distinguished "shame" from "guilt."

Shame goes to feelings that question one's value as a "good human being." Obviously no one should feel shame about using porn...any more than a gypsy moth should feel shame at being tricked by imitation pheromones into overlooking real female moths. It's just a primitive mechanism at work.

Guilt, though, can be a signal that we, ourselves, want to bring something into alignment with our core values by *changing some aspect of our behavior.* That's a different matter. That's where free will comes in.

Spot on

Part of me wants to argue with what you say about guilt but I think deep down I recognise it... lol I feel guilt about wanting to argue.

I mean, maybe not totally, but perhaps its the core values, if they didn't make ellicit things like porn seem so exciting, the draw and the hold would not be so tight? (Couldn't the guilt also be another primitive mechanism?) I guess it comes back to the limbic primitive response being so strong.

Am I being overly pragmatic? (If that's the right word?)

You're right that

the limbic response is very real. My point was just that guilt can just be viewed as a signal that you may want to make a change in some aspect of behavior, while shame can make you feel like you're deeply defective in some way.

So if you're feeling shame, lighten up on yourself. There's no reason to feel shame about porn. It's normal to react to extreme sexual stimuli for heaven's sake...even if you don't want to. Smile

But if you know you're a good guy and feel guilty, that can be your inner compass saying, "Hey, let's do something about this behavior." Even very wonderful people have to recalibrate now and then.

Isn't it interesting that

Isn't it interesting that people are ashamed of using porn but continue to use it anyway? When I was regularly masturbating to porn I tried to convince myself that it was okay to use porn because everybody else did it. But secretly I felt ashamed of myself. I don't think there is anything wrong with using porn, it's more about what your reaction is to it. Is it so consuming that it affects your life. If you can balance into your life, then what's the big deal. Unfortunately, most of us can't.

Great insights from the both of you. Thanks for sharing.