Porn, the treadmill that won't let you get off.

Submitted by trumpet12345 on
Printer-friendly version

Ha well I hope someone enjoys the pun in the title. Might as well have a little background due to this being my first post. I'm a student in college now, been viewing porn since an early age when my brother found my father's playboys. Actually wait, it was earlier with my brother and his friends trying to catch a glimpse of female anatomy on the scrambled channel. Even as a little kid I thought it was a little strange that people can watch something for hours hoping to find something. At the time I didn't know there was a difference in parts between men and women down there. I was indeed a brainwashed little kid, as many of us I am sure were. I never got "the talk", think my parents were a bit nervous about it, and my mom expected my dad to do it. Man my perceptions were blown away one day, from none other than a dictionary. I found sex in the dictionary, and one thing led to another and I picked up a biology book to confirm, yes this thing called the vagina exists and Webster's was not trying to trick me. Still after that, it took me months to try and get through this book. I was only around 8, so it was a bit over my head. I learned that the extra things on women were called breasts and they produce milk, and I questioned why they drew so much attention. I asked a teacher this once, said something like "why are people so thirsty?" The teacher was as equally awkward as my parents, and made up some dumb lie and said I would understand when I am older. So I sought answers elsewhere, and realized at an early age if you wanted to know something "forbidden" you have to find the right people. Found the college aged dudes that lived on my street that I would bike with, they were so fat they felt confident because they could keep up with geared bikes vs non-geared, and they gave the best answer they knew. Sure it was the result of blind leading the blind, but I knew then why they found breasts fascinating.

I was a little nervous at that point then, people that I knew a few years ago went from indifference to the other sex, to obsession mixed with hate. They would seem like lovers one moment, and want to kill each other the next. Those without relationships, either desired one, or only wanted to be a voyeur. My brother and his friends found my dad's playboys, which eventually I came upon due to them being blatant about it. I dislike the skewed view it gave me, that women are hairless, airbrushed, and without flaw. I later became very confused when the video stash was found due to the women in the videos having pubic hair. I was just a little shocked, and I knew no one with me would just give me an honest discussion on it. At that point my brother would always be watching them when my parents were out. I hadn't hit puberty yet, so I didn't get aroused, but in fact more frustrated with what I didn't understand. That was perhaps the most annoying fact, WHY to it all? WHAT was all this? HOW is everyone obsessed with this? The most burning question is, WHY does it end with a moan and this white fluid? What the heck is that, it always signals the end of the scene and separation. Even as a child, I questioned why anyone would chase a thrill just to lose it all. If it was the hamster wheel I was suppose to run for the rest of my life, why sprint to exhaustion and be forced to crawl when I can take it nice and smoothly?

I guess I was always deep down more of a romantic than a sex fiend, before lust took over when I would see a man and woman spooning on the screen I got this artificial sense of seeing lovers bond. My parents had a cold marriage by the time I can remember anything, so I guess I saw a glimpse of what I never saw-passionate love. I didn't fast forward through anything when I would steal a tape, though it seemed it moved a little fast than what I saw as realistic at the time, the slow love making, the communication, the look they had in each others eyes. It to me, seemed so perfect, until the guy would ejaculate. Everything that was before, seemed lost. It made it all seem like everything before it was just a lie. I just thought, couldn't they just be together for hours naked, silent, breathing, feeling, learning, and then in warm embrace fall asleep and never lose what they had?

Sad though, we got broadband not too much longer after I hit puberty and all the previous stimuli had begun to catch up. My brother had a strong distaste for hair on women, and swears he will never marry one that will not shave. His transition to internet porn was natural, and he dragged me down with him. After he realized the cops wouldn't find him for clicking "yes I'm over 18", it just got worse. He would print stuff, tell me to check out this hot cheerleader (his niche). Two sides of thought began to develop, 1 this is fake, she is fake, there is no love 2 o well if she is fake, use the whore that's what she wants. I know now which is the one we all fear. As things went on, my interest in 70's-80's porn saw new light in my newly developed fetish for teachers. I saw some of the same attractive traits, and the video's fed my ego. Clearly I wasn't man enough to be able to date any the teacher's I had crushes on as a middle schooler, but perhaps I could have sex with them. Never worked up the nerve to try (thank god), but for the moment the porn fulfilled my fantasies. A little rougher than my taste, but it just seemed the attitude and the guys were happy to when told to fuck them harder.

After teacher porn, and a bit of secretary and related stuff, I moved back to classical that I found on the web. I enjoyed the sensuality it offered more, as it was just to hard to buy the 2 minutes until sex when it was hard enough to believe 10 minutes would be enough. I wanted some of the videos, and asked my brother how to use this gift card thing that wouldn't be traceable to me (ultra paranoid the bank would report me) and he told me not to pay for anything, go to yahoo images and blah blah blah. Got on my computer typed in naked cheerleader or something, I heard my mom coming, told him to alt f4 now, he didn't get it, so I said close it stupid cause mom is coming. Still thinking she wasn't, he didn't, and she popped in. She saw it, he closed it, asked us idea for dinner and left. Another missed opportunity to talk to us about sex stuff though, she never brought it up and the one time I did she claimed she couldn't remember.

So I got into cheerleader porn for a month or so due to it being easy to find, but I didn't prefer it. Seemed dumb, but the stereotypical cheerleader didn't fulfill my fantasy, but the 2 lines of thought began to grow further apart. The one began to care less love was not present, and the second one just wanted more stimulation. After cheerleader porn I developed a fetish that branched off of it, sex stuff with girls in skirts, but no underwear. The most thrilling was when the guy would be under her skirt giving her oral pleasure. I liked it, didn't have to see the ugly guy, and the girl seemed to really enjoy it. After I ran out of that, seemed a small niche, I got into lesbian porn due to the idea that now there were no creepy dudes, plus two girls in extreme amounts of pleasure. I especially got into the really slow, soft moaning videos. The first line of thinking started to gain ground, but the one wanting more stimulation started to get anxious after months of the same old thing.

The next line of videos were three way, that started with two lesbians and added a guy. Soon interest diminished, too much going on, and it seemed one person always got left out or slacked lol. So I got back into one guy one girl porn, which kept my interest a bit. Neither sides of my were exactly happy at that point. The part that wanted to see love on screen couldn't find it in gonzo movies, and watching hours of endless thrusting with fake moans quickly bored the side craving more dopamine. I slowly started to unintentionally migrate my fantasy from pleasuring a woman to her pleasuring me. That marked the beginning of a slow spiral. I got hooked on blowjob videos to foot the bill. The loving side of me began to break down, and the one desiring thrill took off like a rocket. I was just drained honestly, during the time I sought more stimulation I was neglecting myself to help this one girl. She was depressed, suicidal, kept cutting herself, refused to eat, underweight to the point of near death, chronic runner etc. I was the only one she would open up to, because she really liked me. I had to help her until she ready to move on, otherwise I knew that rejection I would give her would be the final straw. She attempted suicide several times, saved her so many times. The time she tried to hang herself I broke a table trying to cut her down. No use referring her anywhere, parents had tried before and she just got worse. Removed IV's herself when tied down somehow, and was just too good at seeming compliant. I was her only hope, stayed up school nights keeping her company. Spent all the time I could just holding her trying to bring out a smile, and nearly broke myself mentally and physically. The only thing that could keep me awake sometimes was running on adrenaline via the porn. I never put pressure on her for sex, she offered it once to me that I turned down. I didn't really like her, but had to act in love, and skin on skin contact of us lying face to face really helped to make a bond that wasn't there before. She one day checked her email on my computer, found history and never trusted me the same way again. I was worried at that point, lied and said I would stop so I could go back to trying to help her through the many problems she had. The problem was a troubled past she would never share, but projected it onto the present.

After she moved and was happy, I felt I had done something amazing. Too bad in the midst of making sure school work and everyone else was fine, I had nearly fried my brain in dopamine. Most of the time I didn't even masturbate to the porn, simply watch it as kind of like a bump up. I didn't know what I felt after ejaculation, but it really halted the rush that I needed to get through the day. I guess now that I look back, I pushed it to a bad limit, but it seemed like the answer at the time. I was the line between life and death, and not sure how I would have lived with myself failing.

So after I got my energy back with proper sleeping, I didn't feel so burned, but I felt a void. The need to give was gone, and slowly began to get more time blasting my brain with dopamine. The slippery slope continued, I began to seek rougher porn to achieve greater blasts. I used to go through an hour of browsing to find a video, more specifically around 20 seconds of the "best" part to save for later.

All the while this was going on, I showed no outward change to people, no one knew. Even in my worst point, no one could tell the difference. Sad too, I went from the child who sought only love, to a young man that secretly watches women get dick shoved their throats. The sloppier the better, gagging was special treat that I could never get enough of. Payed cams sights twice for the guy to do it to the chick live, one almost lost her lunch. I got too far into my hate of fake sex. I believe it is a mix of that and the extreme that made me enjoy what has become known as facefucking. You can't fake being covered in that drool or gagging to the point of nearly barfing. I think as a side thing I developed a fetish of the thick rope like spit, because I would stick three fingers down my own throat, hold it there and eventually you could just spit and have it everywhere. Free lube to boot from it, but you have to be careful not to barf.

I got to the point where I felt like I looked at the entire internet of porn of what at that point I liked to look at. I hit a wall, where do I go from here? I took a step back and realized, what has become of me. Stopped for a month, felt too much fatigue, continued for another month after that. Quit for about four, but after loosing the chance at love, I caved for the feel good.

Porn to me at many points, produced lack luster orgasms. The volume seemed higher, but felt only like a forced response instead of great pleasure. The best orgasms I had, were after about a week or week and a half of little or no stimulation. I would then stretch, stand naked in silence with my eye's closed, focus on nothing, and simply gently stroke. After around twenty minutes I would finally hit a point where my legs buckle and the overwhelming force takes over. Porn can't top that, and I never get withdrawal problems with that. Masturbating in and of itself, I don't get withdrawal ever, but I do get sexually tired. It kills the motivation to lift heavy weights and such, but doesn't stop me from doing much else.

This relaspe, which I hope to be my last, probably has finally let me be at peace with my love-hate relationship with porn. The other day, after being bored with the extreme, came upon a film that reminded me of one I saw so many years ago. The couple was just genitally spooning with his arms wrapped around her in a tender way. It reminded me again, that sex should not be the sport the internet has allowed it to become. No one would know of my dark history talking to me. I am outgoing and caring, with self confidence to the point some think I am a tad arrogant.

I just am tired of the chase, as I wrote in my signature about how if one doesn't constantly chase, one has already won the race. Once removed from an addiction (like I used to have to sugar/carbs) there is no desire, no cravings, no longing to go back to old ways. God I love dopamine, goes hand in hand with my love of heavy metal lol. O well, life is better without porn.

Hah, the only thing I fear now, is with my personality the type of girls I will attract will either be porn or orgasm fiends. That is a dragon to slay at another time.

Good luck to you all on the quest, this beast can be conquered, slain, and perhaps even eaten? Sorry, I eat like a barbarian, and even worse without dopamine out of whack. Always found porn suppressed hunger, and even then I would down 50 eggs before hitting the gym. The amount I will eat between now and being balanced will probably blow my budget.

Yep

Yeah, I checked out pretty much the whole website. Plan to read the book later this summer, but have been a tad busy. Great information by the way, for this beacon of light in a web full of porn has been cited by me when I tell my friends why I am staying away from the junk. I point others to it, for this pattern becomes blatantly obvious when people have described the downward spiral in their relationships. So once again, kudos to your work and your husband's work in this area. Everyone is different when it comes to dealing with problems and such, and some will not be effected enough to realize the harm it is causing, while others become devasted. Everyone though, could benefit. Sad how everyone is frigid to caring touch now in days, for even if sincere is seen as a violation of personal space deep down in their mind. I see that between my brother and mother, for he just becomes mad when she puts a hand on his shoulder. Observing is part of the fun, but finding a solution is much more rewarding.

addiction to porn and masturbation

hi, ive been on this website quite a few times now, but never had the courage to post anything. Now i thought I would, because ive given up all hope. Ive spent the last 3 years trying to fight my addictions to porn and masturbation, but i dont get really far. Ive given up everything, my education, my family and my friends 4 it and now I think it wants my life. I really dont know what to do, im just stuck in a cycle and i dont know how to get out.

Glad you're here

Many addicts say that "total surrender" is a really productive first step. Sounds like you're there. Sorry it has been so painful. Usually visitors know what their issues are and what they need to do. But it's amazing how having the support of your "tribe" can help you get it done.

Finding balance can be like trying to turn a stampeding buffalo herd at first. Wink But somehow, herds do often get turned if you're persistent.

Have you noticed any things that help ease your withdrawal anxiety? Have you tried cold water? Wink Have you read the articles on the wiki about porn recovery? There are some great videos included in the "Your Brain on Porn" one. http://www.reuniting.info/wiki#porn

You're enabled to blog. Keep us posted on your progress. We understand your frustration and your challenge, as you know. Be optimistic...and let me know when you want to change your username. Smile

*big hug*

What an interesting read

I think most porn addicts can relate to spending hours looking for the perfect scene and leaving it for later for when you want to ejaculate. I always did this.

There are 3 types of porn which make me cum through the roof:

[deleted by moderator...sorry, we try to avoid triggering recovering forum folk]

I don't hate porn like you do. It has given me with a lot of pleasure.

What I do HATE is the negative side effects that come with porn. I have decided that it is time to quit and say good bye. I don't want my sex life and future relationships to be ruined by it.

~ The Underdog