My story

Submitted by wodehouse on
Printer-friendly version

Hi All

This website is a blessing for me. I think I am lucky that I found this website. I would like to share my story and would like some support and encouragement

I used to enjoy porn occasionally until an year ago. I had it under control and used to MB only once or twice a month. But in the last one year I have spent loads of time watching P and MB. I have started living alone from last year and that must have precipitated my desire to watch P. I have enjoyed doing that and it has gone to the extent wherein I was thinking about it while working. I used to watch all types of porn and was regularly visiting all the websites. I used to spend a lot of money in subscribing to lot of paid websites and never cared about money then. As happens with some people, I have slowly graduated to looking for more intense or bizarre P. I have started watching fetish videos and more bizarre. I did not understand at that time that I am gradually sinking.

Only 3 months ago somehow by magic a sudden realization dawned on me that I have transcended all the limits. After conscious examination of myself I figured out that I have become immune to real women and that I was only aroused by porn images. I was distressed and have decided to get better. I was sober only for 2 weeks. After that I could not resist and continued watching. After watching that day, I was guilty, distressed and all sorts of negative emotion pervaded me. Even after that I could not stay sober. Last week I have made a conscious decision of getting better and was looking at getting some information on quitting this habit. Luckily I found this website and after going through all the information everything made sense to me. I could understand why I was unable to resist and how I can get better. It is my 7th day today and I intend to make it this time. I might be getting married by the end of this year and I want to stay sober until then.

One major consequence of watching P was I have stopped seeing women as human beings and always looked on them as sexual objects. I was feeling very guilty about this and was ashamed of my behavior. After reading the information on this website I understood that as long as the guilt is there, recovery will be tough. It is altogether a different thing for me as I have felt being guilty will improve your recovery. After analyzing I found that there is a lot of truth about that statement.

I have got lot of hope from this site, listening about success stories and the fact the brain can indeed get back to its original site.

I would like to express my thanks to everyone who compiled the information and especially marnia for offering advice. Marnia, you are doing a great favour.

Off the topic but nevertheless would like to share another aspect of me. I also suffer from OCD. I suffer from something called "Pure - O OCD" wherein there are no overt compulsions. I fear that I am gay even though there is no evidence to prove that. It is interesting that this has started when I was spending a lot of time watching P. This thought suddenly popped into my mind and ever since I was distressed. I strongly believe that me watching P has made this worse. Anyway at least there is hope now.

Will keep you posted about my progress. I am not sure if it is ok but will someone be my accountability partner. I mean whom I can drop a mail regularly to explain my progress. I have also posted a request for courtly companion but if that does not work out I am looking for someone to whom I can state my progress.

Good news, your personal

Good news, your personal recovery from porn will help your OCD a lot. I am pretty OCD too, and since starting this recovery about a year ago, I am a lot less OCD about things. I still hit lows and I will feel OCD at times, but OCD is not some major theme in my life anymore. Doing this process will help you to slowly recover from the anxiety that is pushing you to be OCD in the first place.

Yes, it makes sense that you would pick up this addiction while you were spending a lot of time alone. Isolation is a major component of this disease, so being social is a good way to help with recovery. Good luck

Courage is knowing what not to fear.

First off let me say, stay

First off let me say, stay strong you can conquer this challenge. Once you are able to blog, you can post your progress as you please.

In regards to thinking you are gay, you cannot rule out bisexuality and such. I must point out however, there is a difference is sexual attraction and romantic attraction. If, in the heat of the moment you would do something you wouldn't normally do, chances are it is just dopamine cravings. If you see a guy, when not aroused, and get the same butterflies as you would for a girl, you probably are gay. I don't judge, but you have to sort it all out when you return to balance to see where you stand on the subject.

Your ocd, do you take stimulants like coffee (you no longer do porn so minus that one), do you eat excess sugar (even too much pasta and grains and such?). One balancing thing I have found is leveling the playing field with everything, and took on a ketogenic diet.

Stay strong and you can defeat this monster, for from addictions one cannot hide as they will find you. You can only slay the desire and realize you will have to live along side of it while others drown in murky depths they cannot be saved from. An alcoholic can never truly be free until they return to a normal state of indifference to the vice, and addicts from pornography will be exposed to material that want to avoid, but must stay strong and not give into urge. Grow stronger with each test of strength, and realize the path is bumpy, but never use it as an excuse. You can do whatever you truly desire, never surrender and you shall always be victorious!

I think there is a big

I think there is a big difference between the OCD fear of being gay mentioned here, with no evidence, and questioning your personal sexuality as a result of unexpected arousal. I went through a period of paranoia hearing voices of people calling me gay. Like Byron Katie says though, when I started to question the voices and the fear, it fell away very suddenly. I realised that EVERYONE has a fear of being gay to some degree, as unless you are very lucky, must of us are brought up in, quite frankly, a homophobic society. Which is sad as it's only fear of ourselves, and it's all playground banter really. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, sort of thing.

Although I think it is quite well documented now how people who go to the extreme end of porn can end up unexpectedly turning to gay porn and still consider themselves straight, and return to their normal sexual behaviour after abstaining.

Yes I am perfectly sure that

Yes I am perfectly sure that I am not gay as I dont get the same feelings for a guy when I am not aroused. I don't take any stimulants or anything. That is why I am surprised because I exercise regularly, take a health diet. "Pure - O OCD" is not as common as OCD but there is lot of research going on now. Sometimes I feel distressed because I had to battle two monsters "P" and "OCD" but may be the more monsters out there the more stronger I will become..

Thanks for the encouraging words from you all. This time I am sure I can control my urges as I know I will have to chart my progress in the forum. Being an addict in a way helped me understand human beings better as previously I could not understand why addicts are not able to resist the urge. I am trying to be more positive in my outlook.

As they say "That which does not kill you, will only make you stronger", I think I will become stronger once I recover completely

Thank you all


You're all set to blog. Sounds like you have an excellent understanding of everything we've been learning here. There's more to learn, I'm sure, so your experience will be valuable.

Although an accountability partner is nice, blogging can be even better, because someone will always be around if you send out a distress call. Smile Hopefully you'll find both here.

*big hug*

Marnia I spent a lot of time


I spent a lot of time in the last week to understand about my addiction. Hopefully that will help me a lot. I am sure to contribute to this forum as and when I learn any new strategies, setbacks etc.,

Level of abstinence

Hi all

Today is my day 9 and am still going strong. No distractions as yet. What i wanted to ask was what is level of abstinence I should follow. I have gone cold turkey and completely stopped watching porn, but should I also abstain watching any mainstream movies which depict passionate kiss or fondling. The other day I was watching a movie and there were some scenes like described above. I immediately felt very anxious and fast forwarded the scene. I was trembling all over and answering myself I should not watch even scenes like these..

If abstinence from anything remotely related to women helps I will do that but I am worried if I practise these I will become a monk or something like that

Any thoughts appreciated

Some men

find it helpful to avoid as many "cues" (things their subconscious primitive programming associates with the neurochemical rush of orgasm) for a time. This can be tough in today's culture, but it can make recovery easier.

However, you need not fear you will become a monk. Wink After a time, the rational brain's signals get "louder" than the limbic brain's signals, so the cues won't be as powerful. At that point, you can see something in passing, and just let it pass, with no inner conflict (or very little).

In short, the reaction you describe is normal...and temporary.

Congratulations on making it this far. Well done. What's helping most?

Dear wodehouse

You are surely on the path of recovery. I am ready to do my little with whatever you want to. Just message me if you need to. But I am sure there are lot of people here who are with you in this site in your endeavour.

All the best in re-discovering the joyful Woodhouse that you really are !


I learnt to put the stars around hugs from Marnia :p

Love, light and peace.