This website is a blessing for me. I think I am lucky that I found this website. I would like to share my story and would like some support and encouragement
I used to enjoy porn occasionally until an year ago. I had it under control and used to MB only once or twice a month. But in the last one year I have spent loads of time watching P and MB. I have started living alone from last year and that must have precipitated my desire to watch P. I have enjoyed doing that and it has gone to the extent wherein I was thinking about it while working. I used to watch all types of porn and was regularly visiting all the websites. I used to spend a lot of money in subscribing to lot of paid websites and never cared about money then. As happens with some people, I have slowly graduated to looking for more intense or bizarre P. I have started watching fetish videos and more bizarre. I did not understand at that time that I am gradually sinking.
Only 3 months ago somehow by magic a sudden realization dawned on me that I have transcended all the limits. After conscious examination of myself I figured out that I have become immune to real women and that I was only aroused by porn images. I was distressed and have decided to get better. I was sober only for 2 weeks. After that I could not resist and continued watching. After watching that day, I was guilty, distressed and all sorts of negative emotion pervaded me. Even after that I could not stay sober. Last week I have made a conscious decision of getting better and was looking at getting some information on quitting this habit. Luckily I found this website and after going through all the information everything made sense to me. I could understand why I was unable to resist and how I can get better. It is my 7th day today and I intend to make it this time. I might be getting married by the end of this year and I want to stay sober until then.
One major consequence of watching P was I have stopped seeing women as human beings and always looked on them as sexual objects. I was feeling very guilty about this and was ashamed of my behavior. After reading the information on this website I understood that as long as the guilt is there, recovery will be tough. It is altogether a different thing for me as I have felt being guilty will improve your recovery. After analyzing I found that there is a lot of truth about that statement.
I have got lot of hope from this site, listening about success stories and the fact the brain can indeed get back to its original site.
I would like to express my thanks to everyone who compiled the information and especially marnia for offering advice. Marnia, you are doing a great favour.
Off the topic but nevertheless would like to share another aspect of me. I also suffer from OCD. I suffer from something called "Pure - O OCD" wherein there are no overt compulsions. I fear that I am gay even though there is no evidence to prove that. It is interesting that this has started when I was spending a lot of time watching P. This thought suddenly popped into my mind and ever since I was distressed. I strongly believe that me watching P has made this worse. Anyway at least there is hope now.
Will keep you posted about my progress. I am not sure if it is ok but will someone be my accountability partner. I mean whom I can drop a mail regularly to explain my progress. I have also posted a request for courtly companion but if that does not work out I am looking for someone to whom I can state my progress.