Here is my story. I discovered porn when I was young via my dad's nudie magazines. What I didnt realize till recently is that I guess he was/still is an addict. For as long as I can remember they were always in the house. Not in plain view but somewhere in the basement. My mother tolerated it but never liked it. As far as I know he looks at porn on the web even now at 73.
I was always a shy, quiet, withdrawn kid. I was never comfortable in social situations and was a wallflower. While in college and after I did occasionally (and still) go out on dates with women. But I loved the porn anyway. It was a way to relax and take care of business. With me its never been all consuming to the point that I neglected work, hobbies nor my friends. With me it has always been something in addition too everything else. I have never given out my credit card to porn sites or anything like that because I am way too paranoid about security because I am an engineer. I worked on the internet before there was a web so I know what goes on.
Anyway it went from me looking at his porn stash to getting my own when I turned 18. At that time video had not really arrived yet and so I was content with Playboy. By the time I was in college video stores had a huge selection of hard core porn. So I started renting them and copying them. By my early 20s I had quite a huge stash of Playboy mags and a handful of tapes. At some point I asked myself what am I doing and literally threw away everything. Found a construction site, piled all the mags in the car and threw them all in the dumpster.
I had a respite from it but eventually went back to watch hard core porn on tape. When the internet exploded I did not need to go to the video store anymore. I had the internet newsgroups that provided anything and everything you could ever want for just the cost of the newsgroups. Fortunately I had other interests besides porn and pulled from technical and educational newsgroups as well.
As time went on the regular web exploded with all the web sites. No need to go to the newsgroups anymore. Everything can be downloaded via other sources for free as well.
Than I discovered strip clubs and lap dances in the late 90s. Much more fun than porn as it was real women. I dropped a lot of money on the clubs and the dances. I had totally stopped the porn because I was going to the clubs once a week. Eventually I asked myself what I was doing and stopped cold turkey. I realized these women dont really like me, they like my $$. It was very tough to stop because its highly addictive. Strippers are about the best sales people alive, they could sell ice to Eskimos. About the only positive aspect of it was this - being around naked women all the time eventually crushed my shyness. It broke its back. Not necessarily a great way to do it but it did do it.
I stayed away from the strip clubs but retreated totally into the world of porn. This was when the dot com crashed and it was tough to be a techie engineer. I went through a number of disastrous relationships with women and this cemented the porn into my brain. Why date real people? Who needs the nonsense. If I have porn I dont need anyone. So I closed myself off to the world. I just worked, watched TV, watched porn and got fat.
In the last few yearsf I took a long hard look at myself and decided that I could not keep living the way I was living. I used to be very active and was an athlete.
Between the technical job, my family and everything else I had just stopped taking care of myself. I even had ignored my personal relationships including with women. I had basically fallen into the pit as I called it.
In 2008 I joined a gym, hired a trainer and by summer of 2009 I had lost 40lbs. I got myself in great shape. I decided that I also decided that I had to change the way I looked at things and that includes women, relationships and PORN. I read numerous articles from men who said that in order to reform your life with women you need to get the porn out of your life. I had tried this numerous times to no avail. Than I came across the Cupid's Poisoned Arrow and read everything I could and the part about rewiring your brain by getting rid of the porn and no more masturbating.
I have destroyed the collection of videos I had in my hard drive probably 3 times before discovering the Cupid's Arrow web site and 3 times since than but than at some point when I am weak I start rebuilding it. It recently happened in the last month. 9 months ago I accidentally deleted all of it while rebuilding the machine. I said oh well but eventually rebuilt it over a period of months.
About one and half months ago I deleted all my porn again. Within a few weeks I was sorry I did it and started the process of recovering the files from the hard drive. In the space of a couple of weeks I had put it all back.
The other day I decided it needed to go PERMANENTLY. I deleted all the files AGAIN and formatted the drive so it would not come back.
I have to say its very hard to stay away from it. Because of the nature of my job, I am on the computer all day at work. I have never watched porn at work because I know they can see everything because I used to design the software to do the surveillance. Dont let anybody kid you otherwise, they can see everything you do on the web.
That being said the computer and net is a part of my life and its very tempting to just out and look at it. Its literally everywhere now. How do you stay strong and just avoid the temptation to look? I am determined to break this habit, no porn and no masturbation.