Destroyed All My Porn For The Umpteenth Time

Submitted by undone on
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Here is my story. I discovered porn when I was young via my dad's nudie magazines. What I didnt realize till recently is that I guess he was/still is an addict. For as long as I can remember they were always in the house. Not in plain view but somewhere in the basement. My mother tolerated it but never liked it. As far as I know he looks at porn on the web even now at 73.

I was always a shy, quiet, withdrawn kid. I was never comfortable in social situations and was a wallflower. While in college and after I did occasionally (and still) go out on dates with women. But I loved the porn anyway. It was a way to relax and take care of business. With me its never been all consuming to the point that I neglected work, hobbies nor my friends. With me it has always been something in addition too everything else. I have never given out my credit card to porn sites or anything like that because I am way too paranoid about security because I am an engineer. I worked on the internet before there was a web so I know what goes on.

Anyway it went from me looking at his porn stash to getting my own when I turned 18. At that time video had not really arrived yet and so I was content with Playboy. By the time I was in college video stores had a huge selection of hard core porn. So I started renting them and copying them. By my early 20s I had quite a huge stash of Playboy mags and a handful of tapes. At some point I asked myself what am I doing and literally threw away everything. Found a construction site, piled all the mags in the car and threw them all in the dumpster.

I had a respite from it but eventually went back to watch hard core porn on tape. When the internet exploded I did not need to go to the video store anymore. I had the internet newsgroups that provided anything and everything you could ever want for just the cost of the newsgroups. Fortunately I had other interests besides porn and pulled from technical and educational newsgroups as well.

As time went on the regular web exploded with all the web sites. No need to go to the newsgroups anymore. Everything can be downloaded via other sources for free as well.

Than I discovered strip clubs and lap dances in the late 90s. Much more fun than porn as it was real women. I dropped a lot of money on the clubs and the dances. I had totally stopped the porn because I was going to the clubs once a week. Eventually I asked myself what I was doing and stopped cold turkey. I realized these women dont really like me, they like my $$. It was very tough to stop because its highly addictive. Strippers are about the best sales people alive, they could sell ice to Eskimos. About the only positive aspect of it was this - being around naked women all the time eventually crushed my shyness. It broke its back. Not necessarily a great way to do it but it did do it.

I stayed away from the strip clubs but retreated totally into the world of porn. This was when the dot com crashed and it was tough to be a techie engineer. I went through a number of disastrous relationships with women and this cemented the porn into my brain. Why date real people? Who needs the nonsense. If I have porn I dont need anyone. So I closed myself off to the world. I just worked, watched TV, watched porn and got fat.

In the last few yearsf I took a long hard look at myself and decided that I could not keep living the way I was living. I used to be very active and was an athlete.

Between the technical job, my family and everything else I had just stopped taking care of myself. I even had ignored my personal relationships including with women. I had basically fallen into the pit as I called it.

In 2008 I joined a gym, hired a trainer and by summer of 2009 I had lost 40lbs. I got myself in great shape. I decided that I also decided that I had to change the way I looked at things and that includes women, relationships and PORN. I read numerous articles from men who said that in order to reform your life with women you need to get the porn out of your life. I had tried this numerous times to no avail. Than I came across the Cupid's Poisoned Arrow and read everything I could and the part about rewiring your brain by getting rid of the porn and no more masturbating.

I have destroyed the collection of videos I had in my hard drive probably 3 times before discovering the Cupid's Arrow web site and 3 times since than but than at some point when I am weak I start rebuilding it. It recently happened in the last month. 9 months ago I accidentally deleted all of it while rebuilding the machine. I said oh well but eventually rebuilt it over a period of months.

About one and half months ago I deleted all my porn again. Within a few weeks I was sorry I did it and started the process of recovering the files from the hard drive. In the space of a couple of weeks I had put it all back.

The other day I decided it needed to go PERMANENTLY. I deleted all the files AGAIN and formatted the drive so it would not come back.

I have to say its very hard to stay away from it. Because of the nature of my job, I am on the computer all day at work. I have never watched porn at work because I know they can see everything because I used to design the software to do the surveillance. Dont let anybody kid you otherwise, they can see everything you do on the web.

That being said the computer and net is a part of my life and its very tempting to just out and look at it. Its literally everywhere now. How do you stay strong and just avoid the temptation to look? I am determined to break this habit, no porn and no masturbation.


That was enlightening...on many fronts. Thanks for sharing your story. Glad to hear lap dances are good for something truly useful.

We've continued to learn about this porn challenge since writing Cupid. One of the things that is getting clearer is how humanity's "binge trigger" gets activated by superstimuli. If you haven't had a look at this article, you may want to. It never hurts to know more about how your equipment works. Smile

Are you open to trying some new things? Like maybe this relaxation recording (taken from a book by a Harvard professor)? (Works best if used daily) Or maybe the hypnosis (make your own, or use the one on the Wiki page).

How much socializing are you doing? It's obvious that you need to find some things that feel good that don't involve staring at your screen.

These stories are really heart-rending, guys. *sigh* The one thing I'm sure of is that as you find what works, you'll also realize you're addressing other things you needed to address in your life. A porn addiction is kind of like a treasure map. Smile

I'll enable you to blog.

*warm hug*

You are in the right place...

I really identified with this...

[quote=undone] I went through a number of disastrous relationships with women and this cemented the porn into my brain. Why date real people? Who needs the nonsense. If I have porn I don't need anyone. So I closed myself off to the world. I just worked, watched TV, watched porn and got fat. [/quote]

When I think back to my relationships in the last decade or so there is an inverse relationship to porn and masturbation and how well the relationship went. If I wasn't wanking...things would go better. For the most part I kept women around who were in love with me but who could never measure up to the "ideal" of what I would see in the videos. Always ready, always willing, never vulnerable or in need of emotional support. I would of course rely on my girlfriends to listen to all my issues and support me emotionally and I would not usually be reciprocal.

I remember one of my longest relationships with a woman was "on again, off again" for awhile. When I dumped her for the final time I went to a sex shop and bought a squidgy masturbator. I thought I had it all figured out. I was just using her for sex and emotional support at that time I substituted that for my hand. I remember feeling rewarded by the decision because now I had as much free time as I desired to be alone with myself and the computer.

There's no question that relationships are challening

It's annoying to have the brain of a pair-bonding mammal, when most potential mates are being driven a bit nuts by too much emphasis on things that throw their mating neurochemistry out of whack...and too little emphasis on the kind of contact that brings out the best, most satisfied, side of them. Any of us, male or female, would probably opt for self-sufficiency, if it were a workable solution.

The good news is that by knowing a bit more about how bonding behaviors work, and why too much sexual satiety can engender dissatisfaction, it's much easier to steer for an effortless harmony. Both you, and your partner, will feel like you're "measuring up," because you'll both be feeling more whole and less depleted (of key dopamine receptors Wink ).

I remember when we got together Gary said to himself (and then to me) how good it felt when he read my stuff: "Wow! A woman who is asking me to do *less*. That's refreshing." *giggle*

Think about it, the less you have to do to keep each other happy, the less a relationship feels like "work." For this to work, everyone's brain needs to be in balance...otherwise the projections of "lack" keep everyone feeling overtaxed, put upon, dissatisfied, needy, demanding....ugh. That's when things get ugly! We blame each other...but we're doing it to ourselves.

Marnia, you must be the

Marnia, you must be the wisest person I've come across!

Anyway, hey undone, although you may be an engineer, I would recommend using some filtering. I haven't used K9 myself like alot of others here have, but I do use opendns, which although I can quite quickly disable, it at least stops "accidental" web content on my computer, and when I have started thinking about relapsing just having to DO something to enable the porn is a step that gives me valuable seconds to reconsider what I'm doing.

Counting days is still good for me also...

Not so much

"wise" as "battle-scarred" and happy to have found a way around the biologically induced alienation between the sexes. Our genes are sneaky, but effective at getting their way while fooling us into thinking we're getting ours. Wink



I use opendns also. Love it and it is free. I would suggest having a trusted but tough minded / trustworthy person "take over" your account. Have them log on, and simply change your password with the settings necessary to stop browsing to whatever sites cause the problem. Sort of a keyholder type relationship.

Just a thought.


I Am At A Tough Age Socially

I am too old to hang out with the 20 something year olds and many of the people my age are married or going through divorces. Its tough, I have joined multiple activities to meet people including golf (almost all guys), county college,, some dinner clubs in the city (the city is tough travel wise). I have realized as I have gotten older its not so easy to make new friends. I do have friends from before but I dont have much contact with them. Many of my friends have retreated into family life or divorce.

Frankly my social group when I was younger was not that social. Most of my male friends had very bad social skills. The majority worse than mine. I would say out of a group of 10 guys less than 3 ever had more than 2 girlfriends their entire lives. While they were single they used to sit around whining about not having a girlfriend. When we would go out they would talk to no one. Most of them met a woman that wanted to marry them out of sheer luck or desperation. I know for a fact almost all look/ed at porn but hid it to a far greater degree than I ever did. Some even pretended in front of their wives they NEVER looked at other women or porn. Yeah, and I have bridge to sell you too.

I do have activities that I like to do like working out, surfing (as in the ocean kind), painting, cars and photography. It can keep my busy other than staring at the screen. I try not to surf the web so much but I find the web is much better than tv. I generally cant stand whats on tv nowadays.

That being said you dont realize how much sex is openly displayed in our society until you try not to be around it. Its literally everywhere from selling sun block, to make up, to cars, to houses and more. Its tough to be away from it.

I have realized though that the way I lost the weight is the way I have to approach this. How much do I want it and what am I willing to do to get there. I am willing to do anything necessary to break this. I am realizing that porn and the associated things impact you in a lot more ways than many realize. Those impacts include your brain, your social skills and more.

Sounds like

you know what you're doing. It's kind of sad that with a planet bursting at the seams with's so hard to socialize. This is not normal. It can't be, whatever the cause(s).

Anyhow, any thoughts on tango? Yoga class? Continuing education massage class? I hesitate to recommend dating online, as it seems to have turned into another porn-like trap for many, but surely there are some dating sites that aren't that way. I think most special interests have their own dating websites, too. Seems like there must be photography groups. I dunno. You've probably thought of all the options.

Anyway, keep us posted.