When happens when she has linked orgasm with intimacy?

Submitted by TommyMaddox on
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I have a significant other who I love very deeply. I've realized from incidents in my past (porn use, infidelity) that I need to be very careful about going through the dopamine craving periods as that's when I'm more vulnerable to acting in a way sexually that I would prefer not to. My partner and I went through a period recently (as a test) where we don't orgasm. During that time I felt more stable emotionally than I have in a long time. I really enjoyed the experience.

However, my problem is that my partner has essentially equated orgasm with intimacy and so after our test is up we've reverted back to "If we aren't having regular orgasms I don't feel close to you." I enjoyed when we have sex w/orgasm and on one level it does make me feel close to her. However, I also know that my sexual cravings do seem to intensify post-orgasm. While I like a good solid flow of sexual energy I'd prefer not to have porn cravings or too strong of feelings of attraction to members of the opposite sex.

This is a long-winded way of me asking what the best approach is here. We can continue to do traditional sexual activity and I can try to figure out other ways of making sure I don't act out sexually. Or we can try to work together to feel more intimate even when we aren't having orgasms with each other. I think the latter approach is the best one but I'm struggling with how to get there. I've given her Marina's book but she didn't really get into it. Any suggestions?


Old conditioning dies hard. It saddens me, but then I remember that my own conditioning didn't obediently evaporate immediately either. Wink

If I were you, I'd be really honest about what I'm feeling during the weeks after orgasm. Tell her that the cravings for porn go up. And that you feel like it might be due to the "gorging phenomenon." http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201004/has-evo... You could make this very flattering when you explain it to her. Basically, the concept is that when something (like orgasm with her) registers as really exciting, your brain urges you to go for more very intense stimulation. And if she's not around...the Internet always is.

If she proposes more hot sex as a cure, you can remind her of the Coolidge Effect. Did you show her the TV clip on the home page of the site? That monkey story I tell usually gets women's attention. Maybe you could also ask her what other ways would make her feel close to you. One man told me that his girlfriend was so stubborn that he wore a condom, faked it, and quickly took off the condom and disposed of the (non)evidence. Smile

Hopefully others will have more useful suggestions.

This is the biggest challenge in some ways: getting both lovers on the same page, with their egos left outside the bedroom. Smile

Thanks Marnia. Part of the

Thanks Marnia. Part of the issue is probably that I'm patient and if I develop a new belief system (or am in the process of developing a new belief system) I want my partner to develop it at the same speed as I do. I realize that's not realistic. :)

And I do think I need to make a better effort to be more affectionate and attempt more Karezza. I've definitely been more affectionate since reading your book and understanding more the bonding power of personal touch. But Karezza is such a different behavior than how I've acted for ~20 years and so that one has been a tough one to make a habit (I either don't do Karezza or Karezza too easily turns into conventional sex).



How could it be any other way?

If you hold the intention to make the change, you will find your way. I learned via a lot of bumps and bruises m'self. Smile