Love is... back? 1st Post. 51 days in

Submitted by uKnighted on
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Greetings. I discovered this site a few months ago. After going over it for a few days I decided to stop masturbating, along with a friend of mine. I started halfway through 13 years old (late from the looks of things). I didnt start doing it everyday until 16 or so, and even then theres been years where I dont feel compelled to masturbate more then every 2 or 3 days. Not the case the last 3 or 4 years, but VERY rarely do I do it more then once a day. I'm not sure why, but maybe its because I have had and do have a handful of other addictions that keep me satieted. Im now 25.

I'll admit that I have built up a few other problems. Dissociation, anxiety etc. I mention it because Im about tell you that there are times when I have a hell of a time sleeping even without this masturbation withdrawal. From what I've experienced in these 51 days... my biggest issue is insomnia. Up until when i started this abstinence I was beginning to sleep better again after working out some issues. Realizing I felt better and that it wasnt going to go away, I decided to experiment and drop a couple addictions. Looking back I probably should have waited a bit longer before I went and initiated withdrawal symptoms lol....

The first 18 days starting approaching horrible at about day 6. I realized I hadnt gone past 3 days without masturbating in 7 years. Physical uncomfort, a little bit of sweating in bed, killer insomnia. I started feeling like I was strung out all over again! It was that powerful. (Remember I'm assuming that it was worse for me because of an already existing sleep and dissociation issue, but there are a few men Ive read about who had similar experiences and I would be very interested to know other aspects of their lives) Now, even though these symptoms lessened, they didnt entirely go away. By the start of the third week it became tolerable.

Sometime in the second week I noticed those perception changes certain articles talked about. I discovered internet porn at 16 or so. At first anything got me off, but over time my tastes starting getting more specific to the point of forming fetishes sometime into 17. I assumed that this was somehow a natural effect of getting older, not linking it to the porn. Without my noticing it obviously seeped over into my views of flesh and blood women and what turned me on. I couldnt have believed it until this recent experiment. In the second week I began to notice womens faces and voices more. ALOT MORE. After even more time (4th week?) I began to that "feeling" back in my throat. You know that feeling? Its that feeling I used to get as a 14 year old when I'd think of the girl I loved, or when Id get close to a woman I desired. That feeling when you touched a womans skin for the first time? Touched it with intent? That feeling was so powerful as a teen it almost made me throw up once LOL. That feeling almost made living worth it. And the funny thing is.... (somthing i still dont understand) is that that feeling in itself isnt always a purely erotic sensation. I didnt have to have skin contact to get it. Just the thought of the person you love in a non sexual way produced a similar sensation. Its the same feeling that follows the one in your chest.

I thought that was gone........ Dead and gone. In fact I havent experienced a glimmer like that for 3 years. And that was just a glimmer. Before that (the real thing) I probably had just turned 17. It sickens me to think that my addictive behaviour has interfered with one of the few things I've held dear. My ability to love.....

I also noticed a wee jump in my energy and ability to focus. I questioned it at first expecting it to go away, but it didnt.

Another thing i noticed was a small emotional "freeing". Being able to feel that throat and chest sensation (even though its not as strong as i remembered) put some of my emotions in line. I very much regret and mourn a past romance and Ive been confused for years as to why I havent been able to "feel" it right. Im still lost for the most part, but this was a very relevant piece of the puzzle. The link between the emotion and sensation is fascinating... a gift to experience again, even in a weak dose.

Unsurprisingly, my hornieness level is through the ceiling. After 40 days or so though it came under a bit more control and it only happens if theres an enviromental trigger or I initiate it. Thats in the day time mind you. Trying to sleep is a different matter. And that brings us to the reason i decided to write today.

Women litter my brain before sleep. Women I know, past mates, infrequent porn flashbacks. Ive been alone for quite a while and the pull to be intimate again is only gaining strength. Now put this abstinence in the mix and I'm practically losing my mind. Someone who commented on one of these articles said that in his 6th week it became difficult again. I dont know if thats related but Ive had a similar experience. Maybe I know why, at least for myself. I've been "cheating".

It only began in the last few weeks. Porn used to be a means to an end. It was interesting briefly and it got me off. So I... uh... have been hijacking that feeling I was speaking of. The throat/chest, childlike rush you get from women? It no longer takes my past fetishes to get me excited. (less then 2 months..... wow) A certain glance, a giggle, a slow strip tease, a woman showering... etc. I've been watching porn for something like 2 hours a day the last week. It was a slow build up the week or so before that.

Back to my presleep obsession, Ive been finding it exceptionally hard to get the female body out of my head before sleep. And its definately keeping me awake. The longer i stay awake the less I sleep. And, for me at least, if i stay up to long my sleep quality (not just quantity) actually goes down as well as it being harder to get there. On the nights that I'm able to fight women out and think of something else I sleep noticeably better. Same with the days I hadnt viewed porn, easier to sleep.

What can I say. Ive missed that feeling... Screw orgasm. The high I'm getting from viewing porn is almost better then orgasm because its sustainable for periods of time and its a part of something I thought I'd lost.

Anyway, thats why I "decided" to break today. Ive been viewing it so much I've worked myself into a bloody frenzy over these weeks. The orgasm was of course intense. Its been years since Ive felt that. And the "drop" after was also intense and immediate. Zero sexual interest and the urge to pull away from my pretend woman lol.

I'm here to say that stopping masturbating is not enough. I kept the addiction alive, just in a new way and what i got for it was insomnia that was almost as bad as the hell of the second week. So here I begin again. Now its going to come down to self control when it comes to fantasizing at night...... but not viewing porn should help prevent that. I cant believe just viewing it is doing this to me. I see Marnia said once that isolating DOES NOT help. Well thats all I do. I isolate for months with this devil computer machine to avoid anxiety, and here I is. Thanks for reading! Anyone have a similar experience? any advice?

addendum/I forgot : when I said I notice womens eyes and voices more i should have also mentioned that i notice THEM more. When i was younger the pleasure I got from my relationships was greatly centered around the pleasure I gave. Making you feel special/fullfilled made me happy. That faded and once again I assumed it was age or bitterness (not saying it partially isnt). Its like rediscovering the potential to love... you remember when you love somebody so much that you would do something to make them happy even if you didnt get rewarded? Not even a smile or 2 minutes in their presence?....yah that feeling... I-m so happy


Something else I forgot to note was my empathy seeming to slowly climb. I have noticed in the last month that I'm a little disturbed or ashamed of some of the things that do it for me. Mostly a rape porn fetish. The dehumanizing aspects of this... and the taking of pleasure at someone elses (simulated) pain, humiliation, vulnerability/exposure have been getting to me a bit. And frankly that hasnt happened at all until now. Not once, even for a moment in 7 years. Its no stretch to say this is related. I was told empathy was my strong suit as a teen (before fetish porn, before drugs)... It can be difficult to look in the mirror and see someone worthy of love at times (edit : all the time). Like i said earlier, im getting that "I want to make you happy" feeling, and its not mixing well with these "tastes" ive built up. Its shining a light on them it would seem :(

Dear uKnighted

Thanks for sharing your careful observations and your various experiments.

You guys are really so beautiful, and we've really been missing your presence, energy and love in the world.

My thought is that now that you've worked out that watching porn just revs up dopamine without leading to peaceful are ready for action. Time to connect with real women. That loving energy and feeling in the back of your throat are there to connect you with others. Let go of the computer and get out in the world and flirt!

Meanwhile, you may want to explore the solo techniques, meditations and even hypno an indirect strategy for coping with all that delicious libido. Watching porn feels good in the moment, but makes cravings worse. Try tackling the problem indirectly.

And above all...get out there and love. Wink

Blog if you like, too.

*big hug*

Thank you for responses!

Thank you for responses! There is something very much on my mind today.

I'm living extremely isolated and avoiding others. This is in response to anxiety I experienced in December that was nearly crippling. I actually stayed 3 days in the hospital under observation... I am seeing a counselor though, and going out for a few hours once or twice a week. Like I mentioned before, up until 3 months ago my sleep was already a large issue. It was improving again after the 5 months or so since December. Another thing I mentioned was my dissociation from the outside world, my memories and emotions. I want to make this all clear so that people know that while my experience might not be entirely unique... Its obviously influenced by other factors.

Back to Masturbation! lol. A small recap : at the end of the first week sleep disturbance became extreme. by the end of the second/start of the third it peaked and i have to admit, it was taking me upwards of 3-4 hours to fall asleep and i was already exhausted when i first put my head down. Extreme discomfort through the day. Dissociated so much I cant hear or see properly and people are VERY bothersome. But I noticed those positive changes in perception and refused to stop. by the 4th week im still sleeping very badly (slightly better) but its tolerable because I assume it will end within the next few weeks. the next few weeks go by and I still find myself sleeping horribly. Women are swimming through my mind as I try and sleep. Its somehow worse now because Its not just bodies and the urge to satiate lust. Memories of someone, my attachment to my counselor (lol sadly), the thought of what being with someone really meant... Thinking of the person now, how much I don't want to be a slave to the urge to burn myself out or keep myself "under control" by masturbating. Some of the feeling and sensations I've accessed in this period of abstinence... like I said above, they were tied into my past reason for living... Something I don't want to live without. That brings us to the now

So I let one fly so to speak, after 51 days. And no, its not just like going back to square one lol. Those feelings didn't just disintegrate. Although they were blunted, it felt as if they would be back within a few weeks. I slept SOOOOOOO much better that night... So the next day I had just gotten to bed and I had the "one for the road" mentality lol. Slept even better that night... I didn't feel like death the next day. I was able to enjoy a few things, and obsessing way less on how alone I am. That was July 30th. By the third day I was sleeping worse again. I woke up on the 6th day with a headache feeling like a drug addict. The 7th was just the sixth but much worse. I already have these detachment tendencies and low quality sleep elevates them. It really is a form of hell taking 5 hours to fall asleep when your COMPLETELY drained at the start anyway. The true insomnia feeling by the end of those hours is almost enough to make me contemplate death. It very much reminds me of meth/mdma withdrawal, albeit MUCH weaker... but the only thing that shows is how intolerable drug withdrawal was.

So by the end of four hours last night... I did it again. Low and behold I slept better then I have in months. This is very unfair, but thats what life is. I just want to feel and remember what it was like to give and to share. To see a woman for what she is, not objectified through a twisted cloud of neurochem... So this might be me giving up for now... And If I could cry I would, because my eyes just misted but thats where it ends. I REALLY DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS... But I can only go through these sleep patterns for so long (months) without losing it. And its interfering with my counseling if I'm almost a corpse while I'm there...

I really dont want to do this... Cray 2

I'll be back.

Do what you need to do

and trust the process. If you can find a schedule where you manage to keep from escalating, you will already have made big progress.

I'm sorry for whatever happened to you last year and wish you a solid recovery.

Sleep well. Smile

This hyper-sensitivity to

This hyper-sensitivity to any kind of withdrawal is unfortunate... something thats most likely my own doing though. But at least I know that some things I thought frozen over a long time ago are more then still there. I wont be going near porn either way and definetly I'm going to go for complete abstinence when Ive got anxiety back under control and Ive been living a normal independent life for a while. I cant wait for the day when I can progress through life at a jog instead of a crawl. This is certainly a big part of that. I-m so happy