Submitted by roopa on
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HI
I AM A 27 YR OLD FEMALE FROM INDIA. I AM MARRIED TO THE PERSON WHOM I LOVED.NOW I AM UNSURE ABT OUR RELATIONSHIP. I MARRIED BECOZ I HAD TO MARRY(IN INDIA AFTER GIRLS REACH A CERTAIN AGE THEY ARE FORCED TO GET MARRIED).SO I HAD NO CHOICE. I THOUGHT KNOWING A PERSON WHOM U ARE TO MARRY IS BETTER THAN A ARRANGED MARRIAGE.BUT I ENDED UP COMPROMISING IN EVERY SPHERE OF LIFE.I NOW I AM HERE IN US SINCE JULY 23RD AS MY HUSBAND IS HERE WORKING IN SAN JOSE AND NOT BEEN KEEPING WELL SINCE THEN. I HAVE LEFT MY JOB AND MY PARENTS FOR HIM.IN INDIA BLOODY THE GIRL HAS TO DIVORCE HER PARENTS TO STAY WITH HER HUSBAND AND HER HUSBAND'S HOME BECOMES HER OWN .BUT MY IN LAWS ARE SIMPLY INTOLERABLE, I HAVE NVR ACCEPTED THEM NOR CAN I EVER ACCEPT THEM.ACTUALLY I HAVE ENROLLED AS A GRAD STUDENT IN NEW MEXICO STATE UNIVERSITY.BUT NOW MY BROTHER IN LAW AND MY HUSBAND ARE HELL BENT UPON TRANSFERRING ME TO SAN JOSE SO THAT WE CAN STAY TOGETHER WHICH I DO NOT WANT TO.IN INDIA IF HUSBAND AND WIFE DO NOT STAY TOGETHER THEN IT IS THE CAUSE OF MUCH GOSSIP.HE IS AN EXTREMELY SELFISH PERSON JUST FOR HIM I CAME TO STAY WITH HIM FOR 2 WEEKS.ON TOP OF THAT HE WANTS SEX EVERY DAYAND BELIEVES THAT I HAVE SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM WHEN I DENY SEX TO HIM.IN INDIA IT IS CONSIDERED OBLIGATORY OR A DUTY ON PART OF THE WIFE TO SATISFY THE HUSBAND'S SEXUAL DESIRES. I DO NOT GET AROUSED AT ALL.I HATE THIS PLACE. I WANT TO GO BACK HOME TO INDIA TO MY PARENTS.HERE I CANNOT EVEN SHOW A DOCTOR. I FEEL HELPLESS I FEEL LIKE COMMITTING SUICIDE.I JUST WANT TO DIE.

Hi Roopa

I'm sorry for what you're going through. The deterioration between the sexes is SO painful. I think it's why I am devoting myself to helping people understand how biology drives us to hate one another when we try to love each other by exploiting the addictive urges of sex.

You do not have a psychological problem just because you don't want to be used as someone's addictive fix through sex. On the other hand, your husband doesn't have a problem because he's seeking satisfaction through intimacy. He's right to reach for you. The problem is that using you like "sexual crack" obviously isn't satisfying him...or nurturing you.

It's ironic that you're from India...one of the few places that actually preserved a tradition of sacred sexuality.

Could you talk him into trying another approach to sex not based on orgasm? I'm sure you can find many articles on Indian websites that would suggest different approaches. There are also some on this site that you might find interesting. This is one about the approach we recommend in our book: http://www.reuniting.info/science/ecstatic_exchanges_and_neurochemistry
The book has a 3-week program for mates to do together. It starts with two weeks of affectionate exchanges without intercourse. This re-sets everyone's nervous systems and makes the transition to sex without orgasm surprisingly enjoyable.

Good luck, and feel free to write any time.