do I have to catch her out of the cycle?

Submitted by TheZone on
Printer-friendly version

So being that orgasms or climaxes cause problems, to attract a mate using bonding behaviors does it necessitate that you catch your 'target' when he/she is outside of the orgasm/dopamine cycle?

If this is so then perhaps finding a potential mate may be much harder to find if everyone is having orgasms all the time, or masturbating to orgasm, or just masturbating.

i can't. i have no social

i can't. i have no social skil, i have crazy social anxiety, agoraphobia, I'm too different, im not likeable. I simply cannot. most if not all "social things" just don't appeal to me. As much as I want to connect.. i want to do it, just living life. I have no 'reasonable' reason to just do that. it all seems, even wrong to do many of those things as it's really just centered around casual sex and violent competition.

Try Toastmasters first. All

Try Toastmasters first.

All you have to do is go sit watch and listen. You can go for free for as long as you like. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do.

Just watch and listen.

I did not even introduce myself as the first meeting I went too and I was not forced to either. Speaking in front of a group seemed to be impossible to me. Well after awhile I did start to join in and do speeches.

It was tough but I did not die while trying. nobody judges you harshly and everyone is encouraging. There are critiques but it is helpful stuff. If you just go for a visit you will see what I mean.

give it a try just one visit if you do not like it then do not go back. It usually is only and hour long meeting.

You need to do something to get momentum going in a different direction then you are. Trust me I know how you feel. It just sucks trying to get out.

I need to take my own advice I have been isolating again for a bit. I am waiting for my new toastmaster group to find a meeting place so I can get started with it again. It actually got to be a little fun and not complete anxiety on my part after awhile.

It is just if you do not do something then you will do nothing. If you want to get out of this you have to choose to do something for yourself. You are here and that is a step. You need to take another.

Do something even if it is just walking around the block or something like a nature trail. Anything just do something.

If you just can not go outside then do some exercise what ever you feel like doing even if it is 5 minutes to start. Just do it each day or every other day if it is strength building of some kind. Just make sure to stick to a schedule.

You have to choose to do something if you want to get out of the mess that is your head.

try meditation. just try there is a great guided meditation on this site and they are linked to on the first page at the moment. Just listen and follow along.

Just please do something besides punishing yourself the way you do. You are more cruel to yourself then anyone around you. You have to stop treating yourself the way you do.

You can not control what people say about you only what you say do and feel.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

well the only reasons I go

well the only reasons I go out for are for things I would "need" to do, with the exception of purely "socializing". Ie, to exercise, to eat, etc. even then, pretty mundane things I'm afraid to do.. like a leisurely walk for example.. I pretty much try to fill all leisure time with some kind of 'work' if it's out in public, though sitting on the computer is one thing I do, yet make excuses to check out my email, forums, read articles watch 'educating' videos etc. I mean.. most of the reason Im on the computer though is to do "research.." Or before porn used to really take up much of my time.. and chatting with people about 'educational' stuff, being on forums having to do with 'alternative thought'. Well much of that alternative stuff is also hard to find out in the 'real world' anyway, and I would think if they were, it probably has some misinformation involved or 'corruption.'

Very unconventional it seems.

I also feel like I have so little time, unable to manage what I want to do. There's no 'distinction' between 'free-time' and 'work' this way. Sometimes if I have free time I feel lazy, if I have lots of things to do, procrastinate, unable to tolerate my life and work because well I have no real free time in the first place. No release.. or maybe I just need to stop the whole dopamine cycle and fight my addictions.

I have one friend which I recently made in kung fu class... he's been helping me go out and do things nature-oriented.. as that's pretty much the only thing I'll do because it's like 'excercise', activity and well, connecting with nature.

I feel like socializing is the one impossible thing I can't do. As a male I feel like women know a lot more about it than I do, do it a lot more, or care more for it than most males.. for some reason. I kinda think it's because well it increases opportunity for you know... fertilization centered stuff?

I would absolutely hate to be caught doing "nothing" or having "nothing" to do, spending "free time". As a male it feels like that's not allowed. Unless you have it made, or are alpha, or whatever it is. For me, taking a walk feels like having to take a walk because I hardly ever go out.. which does not feel right. I feel like everyone around me in my immediate surroundings could know this or can tell and of course think I'm pathetic.

well.. to tell you the truth, not having had a girlfriend in my entire life so far and being so isolated is so pathetic that it doesn't seem anything I can do right now for one instant (or it may take quite a long long time) really make up for such an incredible loss, at least. It's not even mere mental is biological, healthwise and energetic balance wise too.

I've also had to fight an addiction to marijuana.. my father got me into it, since I was 15.. so now I will also be moving in with my friend to help me get out of his house and into a new environment. It's really trapping me.. and I don't see any way out. This depression is most likely caused by feeling trapped, stuck, repressive and immobile and not feeling free to be free, to be myself around people... I guess. I haven't felt fully rested in about.. 4 years, feelin tired all the time and yet I can never get a good night's sleep. And I'm also traumatized maybe, stuck emotions, stuck feelings, brain fog, lethargic energy. and just stupid lazy and selfish and immoral and weak and cowardly a whole other host of things right? Well my childhood, my development growth wasn't the "best" I would say.

I guess Im also kinda waiting for things to set in place in my life, forcing me to get more active, in the meantime it's stressing.

few more things.

[quote=TheZone]
I just need to stop the whole dopamine cycle and fight my addictions.[/quote]
change this to "I want to stop the whole dopamine cycle and fight my addictions."

[quote]I have one friend which I recently made in kung fu class... he's been helping me go out and do things nature-oriented.. as that's pretty much the only thing I'll do because it's like 'excercise', activity and well, connecting with nature.[/quote]
Then go out in nature as much as possible. You like it. It makes you feel good/better. Use it a lot.

[quote]I feel like socializing is the one impossible thing I can't do.[/quote]
You are actually saying. "socializing is the one thing I will not do."

[quote] As a male I feel like women know a lot more about it than I do, do it a lot more, or care more for it than most males.. for some reason. I kinda think it's because well it increases opportunity for you know... fertilization centered stuff?[/quote]
You feel like women know more and do it more it does not mean it is true. It is your perception. That is all.
also you need to get rid of some words and not use them again. fertilization is one of those words you need to not use at all any more.

[quote]I would absolutely hate to be caught doing "nothing" or having "nothing" to do, spending "free time". As a male it feels like that's not allowed. Unless you have it made, or are alpha, or whatever it is. For me, taking a walk feels like having to take a walk because I hardly ever go out.. which does not feel right. I feel like everyone around me in my immediate surroundings could know this or can tell and of course think I'm pathetic.[/quote]
another word/words you need to stop using and just do not saying them write them and try not to think them is Alpha Male just do not use it any more. Again you can not control what people think or say about you. You can only control what you think, say and do. Healing is not going to feel good at times you just need to be willing to feel it and keep going.

[quote]well.. to tell you the truth, not having had a girlfriend in my entire life so far and being so isolated is so pathetic that it doesn't seem anything I can do right now for one instant (or it may take quite a long long time) really make up for such an incredible loss, at least. It's not even mere mental is biological, healthwise and energetic balance wise too.[/quote]
I have been here again just stop talking about it. Stop just abusing yourself over it. you are not the only one. It is ok that you have not had a girlfriend. It really is.

[quote]I've also had to fight an addiction to marijuana.. my father got me into it, since I was 15.. so now I will also be moving in with my friend to help me get out of his house and into a new environment. It's really trapping me.. and I don't see any way out. This depression is most likely caused by feeling trapped, stuck, repressive and immobile and not feeling free to be free, to be myself around people... I guess. I haven't felt fully rested in about.. 4 years, feelin tired all the time and yet I can never get a good night's sleep. And I'm also traumatized maybe, stuck emotions, stuck feelings, brain fog, lethargic energy. and just stupid lazy and selfish and immoral and weak and cowardly a whole other host of things right? Well my childhood, my development growth wasn't the "best" I would say.[/quote]
Been all this. My dad was the one who let me watch my first porn video when I was like 9 or 10. So I was hooked on that early. I have been all the stuff you talk about here. As I said before you have to do something. It sounds like you are. Just keep going with it. keep the momentum going.

[quote]I guess Im also kinda waiting for things to set in place in my life, forcing me to get more active, in the meantime it's stressing.[/quote]You can not wait for things to get better. You have to do things and move no waiting. You have to do it. No matter how bad it may feel at first just do stuff.

here is an oracle for you

What is holding me back or causing me pain?
BOREDOM

Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
CYNICISM

What insight will help me at this time?
A MISHAP INSPIRES RENEWED VIGOR IN A POSITIVE DIRECTION

emotions and behaviour

Hi TheZone,

I've been following your posts on different threads for the last few days and have been thinking a lot. The way I see it, there is one key problem in human nature - it is our (your!) emotional reactions. In short:

HOW YOU FEEL DETERMINES BEHAVIOUR

If you feel uncomfortable making strong eye contact then you probably won't make eye contact. If you feel uncomfortable being sexually assertive then you probably won't be (even if underneath the surface you want sex really bad). If you feel scared talking to strangers, well, you probably won't talk to strangers... Of course you can fight through these negative emotions with will-power but that is setting yourself up for a life of struggle.

Girls are reacting to you a certain way because of how YOU are behaving, you are behaving the way you do because of how you feel. Change how you feel, and you will change how you act; change how you act, and others will treat you differently. From your posts I gather that you feel a terrible concotion of anxiety, fear, self-doubt, shame, and more. Get rid of these feelings and you will 1) feel a lot better, and 2) change how you behave. Remember, feeling bad is not the fault of other people, feelings come from within us - we are responsable for how we feel.

So, whether you bond with a girl in or out of orgasm cycle, or whether you think "I can't be aggressive", or "all the girls I know are shallow and want casual sex" is, in my opinion, all irrelevant bull. These things are external and out of your control, the problems in your life don't lie here. The problems in your life, and thankfully the solutions, lie within YOU - the only person you have any control over. Say a great big "F**k it!" to all this nonsense which is out of your control and get to work on yourself.

There are many techniques to rid yourself of negative emotions and transform how you feel. Personally I have been using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and Zpoint for a year or so with great results. You sound similar to me in that I also research on the net constantly, there is nothing I enjoy more than burrowing away for undiscovered knowledge - that's how I discovered reuniting. Do some research to find what techniques you can use to clear negative emotions. EFT is a great start because you can find all you need to know for free, it's sooo easy to use on yourself, and it works! Why not find a therapist somewhere? Having someone talk through the process with you could help unearth hidden things that you wouldn't realize by yourself. The man at http://www.energy-body-work.com will put people through a program of EFT influenced emotional cleansing over a skype connection.

Check out these websites:
http://zpointforpeace.com/
http://www.eftuniverse.com/

They both give free ebook manuals.

Good luck!
parky

"Remember, feeling bad is

"Remember, feeling bad is not the fault of other people, feelings come from within us - we are responsable for how we feel. "

Just a thought.. what if those feelings are a natural signal of pain ie a physiological response due to conditions that would hurt the body. Therefore, how can we consciously be responsible for all of what we feel, when it can be triggered in us by others? These are physical feelings. The thoughts can control them at the start but what if this is so far deep that well the body can't stop hurting for how deeply ingrained it's become and how pain can therefore influence thoughts, at least vibrationally? For example, a person gets hit, he feels pain, has no choice but to feel pain (unless he's a bad ass monk or superhuman). If the person gets hit again and again or the first hit was extremely hard that the person would not want to get hit again, and therefore would at least try to avoid it, but if he can't avoid it well i guess he has to just make it numb so that he can replace it with 'feeling good'. that takes a rewiring, and might lead just to repression, and/or depression.. you just know that 'hitting' is wrong yet it still occurs, how depressing, and repress the feelings, or simply try to reverse his brain wiring to cause it to feel good, but not get addicted to it cuz otherwise he'll feel 'painful situations' being good, but the pain causes him to steer in the wrong direction even further unless he feels like avoiding the pain or stopping the person (if he can), or stop himself from feeling pain when he sees "fit."

I dont know where I went with the tbh.

"Say a great big "F**k it!""

I wish there was another way than to necessarily curse or use such language. It's really common for people to say that "fuck it!"..

I've tried EFT before, at least the basic beginner's one.. and I didn't notice anything...

I can kind of agree with you here, but it's still no excuse.

After reading a lot of your posts and excuses for not taking action, I believe that you have experienced serious trauma being bullied and feeling like a pariah. Therefore, I will speak up on behalf of the idea that these heavy emotions you deal with on a regular basis for a long time are not entirely "your fault," (in fairness to Parky I don't think you were completely trying to say that either.)

Some people show a remarkable capacity for cruelty to others. Often these people end up in positions of power, prestige or popularity in school. Many bullies end up in the military or as cops. On the other hand they end up in jail or in some lame job and have the same problems as the rest of us. Regardless of what happens to their ilk, we,"The Bullied," and I do put myself squarely in the no girl-getting, D&D playing, not cool-clothes-wearing, getting-messed-with-by-bullies camp, *DO NOT* have to let their cruelty dictate to us who we are going to be for the rest of our lives. We definitely in adult life don't have to be bullied anymore.

Based on my reading of some of your prior posts, I believe you are still in some way getting targeted by people at work. These circumstances do suck but as everyone in this community has been trying to tell you, these circumstances can be transformed. By you. (Yes you.) Just try to take some of the actions that people have suggested. Then come back here and tell us about it. Compare notes with others. I can even believe that over a long time all these people fucking with you may have gotten you to believe that you somehow *should* be fucked with. You shouldn't be the butt of peoples jokes or made to feel like you don't exist, but I repeat, there is something you can do about it. Just take the attitude that you are going to work on your issues and will try your best to not give a shit about what these other people do, say or think about you. Can you try that?

Notice I've said very little about the opposite sex here. That is because the issues you are dealing with are compounded by the fact that you seem to completely put off the opposite sex, that too, I don't think is entirely your fault. Let me say something about this. Things don't have to be this way. It will take time. It will take dedication. It will take rolling up your sleeves and doing some things that you obviously aren't ready to do. Until you make the positive decision to act on a few things people have suggested, things will continue to suck.

So ask yourself, when am I ready for things to not suck so much? It is only then when you decide to do something different and try whatever it takes to learn a new way of doing things that your *emotions* turn the corner. The emotions themselves, especially long lasting ones or old wounds, are usually the last things to change even if we change our habits, language, hair cuts ect. Follow me? The idea is that even if you are doing something that is positive and good for you sometimes it's still gonna suck. You just gotta keep doing it anyway until things get better, because if you take just a fraction of the advice that has been offered to you things will change. It's like a law of physics, what goes up must come down. What looks impossible to change can often change, when *looked* at from another angle.

PS Have you read Cupids Poisoned Arrow yet?

I say stick around.

Couldn't hurt anything if you are posting at least you are getting your feelings across to some people who want to see you feel better. Call it cheap therapy or whatever. I wish you good luck and I hope I haven't been too hard on you man. Hang in there.

Thanks for your response,

Thanks for your response, you certainly are a thinker, I like people who think (I'm one myself).

I think physical pain is different to emotional feelings. I like to compare our emotional system to our immune system. Our immune system reacts against intruders to the body and this immune response is learned. As our bodies are exposed to antigens from childhood onward our immune systems build a kind of database about what response is appropraite for what intruder. The problem starts when the immune system reacts to something unnecessarily i.e. an allergy or food intolerance. To someone who is allergic to peanuts, the peanuts themselves are not going to do any harm to the body, but their immune system has learnt that peanuts are dangerous. The uncomfortable symptoms of an allergy come from the person's own body. Ok you probably knew all that already... Just like in the immune system, emotional responses are learned. A phobia is the emotional equivilent of an allergy. Your emotional system is reacting uneccesarily to a trigger, like spiders, and is causing you to feel bad.

You say "i have crazy social anxiety, agoraphobia".

Now ask yourself, 'is feeling this really necessary?' NO. Just like an allergy, these reactions are completely unneccessary. Do everything you can to get rid of these reactions. Once your fear is gone you might find that you start to be more social and act differently without even having to try.

[quote]it all seems, even wrong to do many of those things as it's really just centered around casual sex and violent competition.[/quote]

Really, why should you care if people you meet are like that, why should they make you feel bad? They can do whatever they like but why should you feel bad about it? There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to talk to these people while feeling relaxed and confident, regardless of whether you think it is "wrong to do many of those things".

Of course, I admit that my immune-emotional analogy would break down at some point and the theory is not going to be 100% accurate (theories never are), but during the last year I religiously focused on removing as many negative responses as possible (with EFT) and the progress I made blew me away. I hope you can find something that works for you. The most important thing is that you get out of your head and find something to do that will help you. We could discuss emotional issues, porn, orgasm, social anxiety etc. for the next 20 years on reuniting and you still wouldn't make any progress unless you actually do something to solve your problems.

Cheerful regards,
parky

"I think physical pain is

"I think physical pain is different to emotional feelings. I like to compare our emotional system to our immune system. Our immune system reacts against intruders to the body and this immune response is learned. As our bodies are exposed to antigens from childhood onward our immune systems build a kind of database about what response is appropriate for what intruder."

Have you ever thought that emotional feelings are also physical? We have neurotransmitters, triggers, and all sorts of neurochemicals and even energetics which people seem to think is not 'real' because it doesn't exist with the same 'physicality' of the world we "see" and "touch". The "emotional responses' can also be passed down from generation to generation, perhaps by epigenetics as opposed to genetics where genetics is not the case? Even if they are considered energetic it still doesn't make them any less real. The problem with such abstract things is that these abstract concepts people tend to believe are 'all in our heads' which make it less real, and that, there's no 'systematic way' of dealing with it, since it's 'all in your head'.. and they make you feel as if you are immoral and/or stupid for not having dealt with it.. first of all it's many times highly misunderstood! It's biological. Yes heartbreak is real. Mind is real. I mean sure there is also a way to see that everything is actually 'unreal' and an 'illusion' but on some plane of existence everything exists with rules, it would not exist if there were no rules or reason.

Just like how men and women are oh so 'unstoppably wired for promiscuity and heartbreak'. Just like how people are uncontrollably attracted to the opposite sex, we have to eat, discard our waste, etc. Energy is not unlimited.

I don't think anyone here

doubts that your pain is real, Zone. However, getting out of your head (skipping the efforts to engage everyone in abstract discussions about beliefs that don't seem to be serving you very well), and taking action is still a good strategy for easing your pain.

i know. the problem is I'm

i know.

the problem is I'm not just in my head. Girls these days are weird.. they always were. my friend was telling me.. how girls really like to be... 'ravaged'. If I base interactions on simple 'bonding behaviors'.. it just doesn't work. They'd rather be 'ravaged'.. by an aggressive violent dominative 'alpha male'. It's wired into us. Since we were young this has happened. Girls are more on the edge to be 'tipped over'.. ie to be rebellious, being 'daddy's little girl' is not as appealing as being 'rebellious' and .. well some people even think 'natural'. People don't grow out of this as much as other things because this is 'biologically ingrained' into us. So is the choice for being social and evolving but people don't give as much credit to societal, civil and cultural conditioning as also being part of the overall evolutionary picture.

Are you asking for confirmation or asking for help?

It's obvious you're trying to communicate something to us here. However, it's not getting through.

Do you want help? I've seen plenty of folks giving wonderful suggestions, (stop looking at porn) (get out in nature) (get some professional help with your agoraphobia) but you don't come back with any 'tried that for a week or a month, but it didn't work, any new suggestions?' reports, so I assume that even though help was offered, it wasn't what you were looking for.

Are you trying to get us to confirm your (and your friends) belief that all girls/women "these days" want the same thing? (Ravaged by violent alpha males) If that's the case, you sound to us like someone who's trying to convince us that all women look like Lady Gaga. We know it's not true, so we can't help by confirming it.

Which do you want help, or confirmation?

Quizure

Because life is not about who you were, it is about who you are becoming.

Even if something

Even if something is biologically ingrained in us, we can still change. But while you believe the image of the girls you created, that's the type of girls you will attract to you - and you yourself will be attracted to these girls. Even if all the girls in the world would be the kind you describe (which they are not, I assure you), but one not - you would meet that one, *if* you would change your beliefs. Changing beliefs is not that hard, but you have to be persistent.

Write down the new phrases you would like to believe and read them as often as you can - at least 3 times a day. You can also record them and listen to them. After a few months of that they will become your new beliefs about the subject. And then you will attract and be attracted to the girls that match your new beliefs.

I personally wouldn't bother taking much action before that, because most likely it wouldn't yield the results you want.

I am assuming that you are

I am assuming that you are young and not older than 30. I am around a lot of young girls at my school and yes, it can be challenging. They do a lot of testing and dont mind dropping you if they are not interested, its not always nice, but whatever. However, nearly every young guy goes through it and in general, young guys are insecure until they figure it out. Noooo, not figure out how to become "alpha male", but figure out who they are and how to be comfortable in their own bodies. Mick Jagger is by no means an "alpha male", but that guy has had more women that that drunk jack-ass at the sports bar.

We all have to figure it out man. Directing your rage at a phantom "alpha male" will not help. If you are confident in what you are doing and your place in the world, you simply would not care about this. You can direct your rage at women, "alpha males", or yourself, but the best thing to do is to move on from this and learn to accept things as they are for now. Instead of hating on it, let it challenge you and grow from it. All guys need to get the short end of the stick, pick yourself up and ask what you have to offer a girl. If its malice, anger, and neediness, you are going to push her away. feel this pain and grow from it. Its tough, but hang in there and trust it instead of blaming it on a "messed up" world.

I used to carry a lot of the same feelings until I started taking responsibility for what I was putting out into the world. You are doing some heavy projecting out there. Clean this up, life is too good and exciting to be rolling around in the muck.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

My thought, Zone

is that you want attention, which is healthy. But I hate to see you fall into a pattern of incendiary statements and/or whining to get attention. This pattern may sort of work here, because people here like to encourage others to sort out their thinking and transform in healthy directions - so they put up with a fair amount of pained expression.

But it definitely won't work in the rest of your life. You'll come off like a black hole with nothing to offer anyone.

So...how else can you get attention? Practice some other strategies here, and we'll tell you what works best. Smile

ok. well, I read all your

ok. well, I read all your posts, so don't worry. I didn't just scoff at them. Though.. I get what you're saying... I still have it pretty hard. Perhaps, all my problems have been due to the very beginning of my life as a young child, beginning school. I was the outcast, to an extreme. That made all other aspects of my life go down. My grades became low, my mental/emotional health sucked, my love life was non existent, etc. I never developed a wit, or common sense. Was always bullied and getting into fights with bullies, couple of times getting beat up. Always the outcast, always the weirdo. Always emotional, always 'just didn't get it'. Now that I'm in college, I'm WAY out there. I was so smart in my elementary years.. until I realized my social life sucked and therefore my mental, emotional health, and development seriously lacking. At third grade I was already having suicidal thoughts. In second grade I was banging my head against walls. In kindergarten I threw violent fits because the girls payed me no attention even when I tried. Because the girls all expected me to be, perfect. They want extravagance.

Now I know why I won't ever get a girl friend (even female friends). Well, because, I never had one, period. In my past. My development went off course. I was lacking in social integration. Now my life absolutely sucks, and... there's no way it seems a girl will ever accept me for who I am. Girls don't settle. Girls also cannot really "have time" for me, to see who I truly am. NO they don't. They want you in their face. Subconsciously they do, if not consciously. You have to be the best. You have to be extravagant. You have to be. If not, then you have to be brutal. Brutally the best person. It's all subtle forms of brutality. Even if the male is not 'violent' in terms of actually being physically violent, they still have to be brutal winners, as in "wow that's brutal", or "he's so good it's brutal". Or be extremely casual.

Have you tried

an online friends site of some type where you could practice your social skills? And practice not going on the same tired rants over and over? Wink

I'm extremely sorry for the pain you went through, Zone, but the future doesn't have to be that way.

Its never too late to learn

Its never too late to learn social skills. Its surprising how plastic our brains are at adopting new behaviors. Even at later ages, you can enjoy a gradual acclimation of habits. It starts with small successes, and you should celebrate even coming here and acknowledging this at such a young age.

I would highly suggest focusing on other areas of your life to fulfill your bonding experiences for now. The other sex can be a little overwhelming at first, but you will see gradual improvement with them over time. Forget about everything for the time, forget about alpha males and all of that and maybe focus on deepening some male friendships or family bonds. These are excellent places to start for those of us who are dealing with issues concerning the opposite sex. We still get some bonding experience and support and we are still practicing some social skills.

In the meantime, find a competent therapist who can help you get over some of these hurdles. You are not hopeless. People come out of situations like this and you can to if you use some of these powerful tools at your disposal.

You are going through a lot, there is no way around the harshness of your mental condition right now. Just keep trying to do new things and over time you will figure out what works for you best.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

One thing that has bothered

One thing that has bothered me was getting 'male friends'. it seems, males are only friends with each other for access to other females (mostly) and for competitive based interactions, ie sports. Even philosophy, but then.. if you're like me, and are seriously lacking the Yin in your life, it becomes really imbalanced, and you are seen as being homosexual. It even feels, homosexual. ever heard of the term "bromantic"? Exactly.. being extremely homosocial is not all that great. I had to stay away from one guy friend.. who is a little bromantic as well it seems...I was just weirded out (by myself, and also him) because it's just too much, but then when I'm alone I am extremely depressed, so..

Haha, bromantic

Haha, bromantic realtionships. Bromances. I guess that is one possibility of many. That seems like that would be a pretty extreme happening. Ive had that happen a few times in the past. It seems like it comes from the kinds of tendencies like codependency, neediness, infatuation, etc. All of these on a male instead of a female. Its hardly gay, but it a little fruity no doubt. Romantic projections can happen in many ways. Its revealing nonetheless.

If a bromance is your only option, I would do this because you are having a relationship without sex being involved and you will probably learn and at least be in contact with someone. You can work out the kinks later. No relationship will be perfect, but you will get better at them. As you grow as a person, you will likely outgrow a "bromance" when you start to learn to set up healthy boundaries for yourself in friendships.

Social bonds are THE MOST powerful thing you can do for yourself in healing depression. Since we are single and not pair-bonding with a mate, you need to find creative ways to be social. Its hard if you arent good at it and dont have practice, but its a skill just like anything else in life and you just have to do it no matter how painful it is at times. It will not take long before you are better at than most of the people you admire for being socially suave right now. People learn to do it. You will just have to start small, but if you push through the growing pains, you will look back in a few months and see that you have indeed made progress. I repeat, this is a perfectly learnable skill.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I usually don't make male

I usually don't make male friends. Because of the things I mentioned above. it's just weird or at least it seems weird, and besides I am lacking the 'yin' in my life, at least 'good yin'. The only reason I became "interested" (hoho) was because he was like me, similar in many ways. So we hung out, and unfortunately, we got too close, mainly because I was alone, and bored all the time. "Excessive" time spent, led to us looking like childhood friends/brothers. And of course, while most guys are usually only comfortable being close with women, or prefer it, well I had no one to be "close" to, except for him. No one to spend time with , except for him. Simple things... like unless we didn't have anything other than business, seemed just.. like.. "what are you gay? you shd be spending time with a woman not a man". And it drove me insane, cuz I felt neutered and questioning my sexual identity. Not that we do anything that is gay, it's just, a little more time spent than I "should be" with a guy? You understand? At the same time I also felt like his bitch because I wanted to go out and do things which I couldn't do alone.. and I just felt belittled everywhere I went with him.

Healthy relationships with

Healthy relationships with your own sex is important. I would argue they prime us for healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

Its a matter of learning balance and boundaries with any relationship. The most important thing is that you are not spending too much time in isolation. If you feel like you are spending too much time with someone, then you have the power to limit your time with that person. If you are cultivating several friendships at one time, this will take care of itself. We are social creatures and we benefit enormously from these interactions. Try to build a network of friends. Start with one or two, be out in public more than isolated at home on the computer. You'll meet tons of people, you will develop a few acquaintances and out of them, you will develop some friendships. Its a numbers game. Youll make friends with people that you share interests with and you will expand to people that do not share interests with you but you like them nonetheless. You are obviously an intelligent person and have a lot to offer a group of people. College is a great and safe place to do all of this. I didnt really learn social skills until I started going to college and I started way later than you. Dont fret on this stuff. Cultivating friendships has been some of the most rewarding work, even if they do not always work out or you mess them up or they mess up, the experience and time you spent with them is what counts. Plus, other people give us a measure if we are acting properly. One person is not enough feedback, but if 20 people tell us we smell, then its a good sign that we need to bathe. Socialization can be a rough ride, but view it as an opportunity to become a part of society. If you disagree with society, there is no reason that you have to adopt its morals, but people in society are so diverse, its not like everybody has the same morals. There are a lot of people that function well in society that differ in their opinion and view of the world. We live in a diverse culture and there are a lot of different people. At a base level, despite whether or not we agree with society, we still share the same space and are more or less dependent on each other for our needs, if nothing else our social needs.

Another is issue I see coming up with this that might not be obvious to you is feelings of shame. Shame is internal self-afflicting hostility and self-hatred. Its where a person is not comfortable being themselves. Its leads to social hypersensitivities and self-consciousness. You literally feel like everybody is criticizing you. Untrue. People are generally in their own world half the time and arent thinking about it, and if they are, its more their problem than yours. If anything, there is something wrong with the person who is critiquing than you. People are always going to try to get under other people's skins and the more neurotic they are, the easier it is for them to find a way to get there. Very insane people are very good at pushing other people's buttons, so that doesnt bode well for them.

For these reasons I suggest seeking cognitive therapy. Its good at getting at the nuts and bolts of these kinds of issues. You dont have to take meds if you see a therapist, you have every right to refuse and choose behavioral therapy. In fact, there was a time when I was very depressed and I was seeing a therapist and they really wanted to push meds on me because I was in a very bad space. I never took them and a few years later after a lot of hard work, I have a steady grip on things and it looks like the main problems that were causing me the depression have been more or less resolved. It took time and a lot of pain, but I feel that the solution is going to be long-lasting. Seriously, if I can do this, anyone can. I was in a very bad spot mentally. Youll come out of it stronger, thats for sure. Did I mention it was painful?

Good luck. You have a new semester and a new chance to meet people.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I've thought about cognitive

I've thought about cognitive behavioral therapy. There are some limitations though. That, and well. they wouldn't take too kindly that I'm into 'crackpot theories' conspiracies and 'alternative thought'. In fact some of that kind of thought might lead to the stereotype that it's actually threatening to other people. And trust me when I say "alternative thought" it's actually way more than that.. I'm so different that even in the "alternative" crowd I am even way more removed from society than they are that Im removed from even their crowd.

Im being brutally honest-

Im being brutally honest- You are not different than other guys on this planet. You have the same drives and urges as anyone else and you will not earn brownie points with women for being "different". There is no giant injustice in the universe that is working against "good guys", just guys that think they are good shooting themselves in the foot and justifying it by claiming to be righteous. You are not so alternative that you are alternative from the alternatives, this is narcissistic isolation and self-directed rage.

I can say all of this because I have experienced similar thoughts in the past and I WISH someone had been brutally honest with me and I had listened. You have a lot of talent and intelligence, dont waste it on driving yourself mad over NOTHING. There is too much good stuff to like and live for and you are thinking in the gutter.

Get professional help immediately and quit playing the victim nice guy. Make some moves and get out of your head, youll feel better.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Just work on a task that you

Just work on a task that you can identify, like maybe depression, anxiety, lack of concentration at school, or whatever small and manageable problem. You dont need to tell them everything all at once, you are complex and have depth, all people are like that, people remain married for 30 years and are still learning about each other. Its a great feature about human relationships, we are always learning something new about people. You are no different. Tell them as much as you feel safe with. Talk about your parents and life and thoughts. Shop around until you find one you can vibe with. They arent perfect, but some of them really do care about their clients and having an objective ear and feedback of someone that has an interest in you can be helpful in this process of uncovering. Give it a couple of years and keep trying to find what works for you in other areas and you will feel a lot better in the long run.

Therapy is scary at first, but even professional therapists get therapy to sort out their own problems.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I wish.. unfortunately I

I wish.. unfortunately I really don't fit in anywhere and uhm.. even so it feels like women want me to do everything, initiate everything, be everything for them.... and I really can't. There will always be someone "better" than me, in fact, I am always going to be probably "the worst" at everything, I mean, at least for a girl who wants to judge me in that way.

Here's a tip

"You don't have to talk to everyone in your life about everything going on in your head." Find what you have in common with people, learn about them, and you'll form relationships no matter how "weird" some of your ideas are.

Same with therapy. Work on what you want to work on and don't waste the therapist's time with ideas that aren't directly related to the issue you're working on.

Practice makes perfect.

Gee,

what about "one step at a time?" Maybe if you want to heal, you should look to some of the wisdom of those who have.

None of us can find the solutions to thorny problems from inside our own assumptions. The reason we get stuck is because we need insights from outside the box.

Your box is closed, Zone.

*knock, knock*

Did you read this ?

Until you decide to stop thinking the way you do you are going to feel like crap. You have to decide to feel good. You can decide to feel good. It is your choice. Stop the whining and the bitching. Just stop. decide not to whine and complain any more. I do not care what happens to you or around you just stop feeling sorry for yourself. Try it for a day. I do not want to hear excuses. I do not want to here "I can't". Decide to not feel like shit for a day or just the rest of today. It is your choice.

[quote]Seven Keys To Happiness - It's Your Choice

So, what are the KEYS TO HAPPINESS anyway? Some medical researchers say that happiness is 50 percent genetic. That leaves 50 percent to work with; that, my friend, is up to you.

There is much wisdom in those famous words from The United States Declaration of Independence when it says, “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” “Liberty” means freedom. Freedom is about being free to choose. Perhaps the most important of the KEYS TO HAPPINESS is feeling that you are exercising your freedom to choose.

Let’s look at SEVEN KEYS TO HAPPINESS:

* Exercise Choice
* Become Relentlessly Positive
* Practice Gratitude
* Act Happy
* Give
* Stay Focused On Now
* Find Little Pleasures

Keys to Happiness - Exercise Choice

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln suffered terribly from depression all his life. Yet, he chose to rise above his feelings time and time again. Realizing that you have the power to choose your thoughts and oftentimes even your feelings every minute of every day is a profound truth.

All genetics and circumstances aside, your happiness is your choice. Author and researcher Gregg Easterbrook has said that most people take the “path of least resistance” when it comes to happiness and making one’s life fulfilling.
In other words, most folks simply don’t take the steps to bring happiness into their lives; they look for solutions outside themselves and become passive, letting things happen instead on taking initiative and making things happen. They passively choose unhappiness.

Though so many have willingly but unwittingly accepted the circumstances of their lives, each of us have been given the power to choose how he shall think, feel and act; it’s all about responsibility. When you realize that you can rise above circumstances and choose your responses to whatever life brings your way, it is an incredible sense of power.

Are you happy? If not, why not? List some reasons. I challenge you to consider each and then realize that it’s not the circumstances themselves that have “made” you unhappy, but rather your reaction to them. Just the fact that you are not exercising your ability to choose to rise above the circumstances is plenty reason to be unhappy! You’ve made yourself out to be a passive victim. Rise above those thoughts!

The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions,
not our circumstances.
Martha Washington

Keys to Happiness - Become Relentlessly Positive

Author and researcher Gregg Easterbrook has said, "If you are looking for something to complain about, you are absolutely certain to find it." Just observe unhappy people and you will see that they literally are looking for things to complain about or can somehow squeeze misery out of what looks like a good situation!

In the same way, happy people look for the positive point of view. They don’t bemoan the current “economy” (this was written in March 2009). They look for solutions and direction. They are careful of what they say, realizing that even expressing a negative perspective can “bring them down.”

Watch your words, observe your thoughts. Choose to be positive. Choose a positive perspective. Practice positive affirmations. Just the act of choosing positive thoughts and words can make you happy. Eventually, you feel equipped and empowered to rise above what brings others down. The sense of satisfaction that you gain from being independent of circumstances is powerful.

The mind is its own place, and in itself,
can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.
John Milton

Keys to Happiness - Practice Gratitude

You can’t complain when you practice gratitude. You can’t stay unhappy for very long when you’re feeling grateful.

The more grateful you are for every little thing, the more you will observe to be even more grateful! You will always spot the same car as yours, whether in traffic or in a parking lot. Make gratitude a constant exercise that is “your thing.” You will start “seeing your thing” all over the place!

When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.
Anthony Robbins

Keys to Happiness - Act Happy

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance,
the wise grows it under his feet.
James Oppenheim

Happiness really isn’t so much a feeling as it is an attitude. Have a proactive attitude toward happiness. Don’t sit around waiting for something happy to happen; act happy!

This is my "depressed stance." When you're depressed,
it makes a lot of difference how you stand.
The worst thing you can do is straighten up
and hold your head high because
then you'll start to feel better.
If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed,
you've got to stand like this.
Charlie Brown

How do you act happy? What’s a happy person look like? Hopefully, like you. Of course, she smiles, laughs, walks with shoulders back and has that “gleam” in her eye. For some other ways to act happy, check here and then here.

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,
but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
Thich Nhat Hanh

Keys to Happiness - Give

Giving is simply a way of forgetting your own needs and putting someone else first. The act itself should bring happiness. The response you receive from the one you give to is another boost. HOWEVER, don’t give to get a response; that’s conditional giving. Give because it’s a good thing to do. Give if it makes you feel better. Don’t be concerned about people’s response.

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others,
cannot keep it from themselves.
James M. Barrie

The giving can start in very simple, practical ways. Give away your smile. Give away a positive attitude. Give a warm greeting.

Often unhappiness can arise from too much thinking and trying to figure out. You become too self-focused. If this happens, figure out how you can give. Do something nice for someone. I guarantee that if you practice this, happiness will be your constant companion.!

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
The Dalai Lama

Keys to Happiness - Stay Focused On The Now

The secret of health for both mind and body is
not to mourn for the past, worry about the future,
or anticipate troubles
but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha

I recommend you read The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. You’ll gain some wonderful tools for getting your mind and spirit out of the past and decrease that powerful propensity to anticipate the future.

The present moment is always the only time you have ever had and will ever have to live in. It would be most beneficial to your happiness if you became more familiar with the present moment.

Just this week (it’s almost Spring as I write this) after I came home from work, I sat outside on my little landing with a beer and a burrito covered with sausage. Besides just slowing down and purposely trying to taste and savor what I was eating and drinking, I focused on what was around me. I listened to the birds chirping. I felt the breeze on my face. I listened to some young guys laughing. I watched the sun slowly set. I was present to the moments and it brought me a quiet, but significant happiness, if not joy. Try it sometime.

Keys to Happiness - Find Little Pleasures

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither,
but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate.
Thornton Wilder

It’s about enjoying who you are and what gives you pleasure. I swing/jitterbug dance every week and what gives me pleasure isn’t doing great moves a la Dancing With The Stars, but rather creating little moments of fun and joy with whomever my partner is at that time. The laughs and smiles are precious to me.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things.
Robert Brault

Whether it’s your favorite music, where you take walks or some hobby, take time to do it and enjoy it with the fullest of pleasure. You will find that your ability to “find” and “see” other things that bring you pleasure increases and that these things are all around you.

The truth is, these little pleasures are actually inside you. That’s where you’ll find the greatest happiness - inside you.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
Margaret Lee Runbeck[/quote]