I'm been periodically visiting this site for the past 3 months and have found it helpful. I'm encouraged by those striving for loving relationships and wholesomeness as opposed to a life of fantasy which degrades both the consumers and producers.
Like many before me, I'm aiming high, with the goal of abstaining from any form of sexuality for the next 100 days. The purpose of this post is to start to document my journey. I'm particularly interested in observing and documenting changes in mood, sleep, demeanor and physical appearance. I've gone about 4-5 weeks on a couple of occasions. Sadly, though those periods were bright spots in my life, they did not hold.
Here is my bio. I've been addicted to pm for about 22 years, I'm 32. I typically have M'd about 4-7 times a week, and go on P binges about once a month, sometimes more frequently, sometimes less. My binges involve downloading HC M/F movies from the internet usually for the better part of the day. I'm still a virgin, believe it or not! I'm relatively handsome and most people would be shocked to find this out. Some years of cystic acne left me with both physical scars and self esteem issues. This partly explains why I'm still a virgin. Perhaps only 10% of it though. Not surprising I suffer from depression and have been on antidepressants in the past. I'm a bit of skeptic, in that the science behind antidepressants is simply not there along with a strong understanding of the underlying mechanisms, nor consequences or their use. I am however a strong believer in the power of the mind and its ability to shift perceived experiences and states. The somatic effect. In contrast to the experience of some others which is well documented, I don't seem to be going down the track of craving more and more violent/abusive/underage material. I've tried to quite both PM countless times, literally. I was raised a Christian and up until recently was a strong believer. My view has evolved, and, with genuine intellectual honesty, I have to say that I'm somewhere between a deist and agnostic at the moment. I firmly believe that the added guilt and hope of delieverance that I placed on myself through my prior Christian values, did a disservice to me. Though I do believe there is some silver lining to my previous faith. I was not abused as a child and had an otherwise normal, healthy upbringing.
I have sleep issues, insomnia, which incidently, I don't hear many people talking about, and believe its etiology is linked to a history of staying up late looking at porn with lots of chemical excitement, followed by shame and grief - these emotional states obviously do not promote sleeping. I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of the nature of the problem, that is PM, through copious reading in the behavioral/neurosciences armed with plenty of self observation. This involves triggers and the two part brain.
OK, thats enough about me. I'll try to check back in every couple of days to note progress in my goal. I'm hoping that I can go the distance, then be lucky enough to find a good relationship with someone sometime soon thereafter, so that I can assume a healthy sexual practice and stop having to be sexual with myself and continue to live a life of pain, shame and loneliness. Its absolutely crazy!
Thanks for all your support.