I am a new addition here and I hope that I'd be able to hold your patience for long. It really feels difficult to start my story because I do not really know where are its origins. All I remember (and this is the most visual memory from my past) that I was sensitized to sex at a very early age. I was probably about 7 when my aunt took me to her room and we had oral sex. I had no idea why or what was it that I was doing but (unfortunately) I seemed to enjoy it. I remember the very next day I went back to her soliciting (which I did not know then ) sex. I was flayed and scolded back and there for the first time realized the taboo nature of it. Born and brought up in a traditional Indian joint familty where utterance of anything related to sex is sacrilegious, I had never ever been able to express anything to elders nor control my urges and cravings. I started M maybe 2 years after that and Im 22 today, a student in the best undergrad college here. I have done it averaging 2 times a day, on and off, sometimes not at all for 2-3 days some times > 15 on a single day. I was sent to a boarding school at 13yrs of age and untill some recent years of bitter understanding, my view about sex had been that of the "ultimate" goal and bliss of life.
I have had other troubles during my childhood as well, many of them might be relevant to my current condition but that is not my present concern. All that I think is relevant is that I have always been an extremely emotional person. I have been penitent about this habit since a long time and I have lost a lot due to it. Time, energy and relationships - each one of them. Most painfully, the two people (they were in a relationship, my closest friends) I felt I loved the most had to fall out with me when they read about all this stuff in my private journal which got exposed to them completely as a matter of chance (they didn't even know it was my journal). They had taken care of me a lot over the years and I was completely dependent upon them but we couldn't stay together. Its feels so irremediable when porn maligns your character. I was "celibate" for a few days but then eventually had to give up. I have this pattern of going overboard and not feeling to reach for an orgasm everytime I have been excessively sad.
At times it feels unjust that nature had to make me a slave of entropy, moving from disorder to disorder, replacing one misery with the other. I tried smoking marijuana and hashish every alternate day for about three months after this break-up so that I could "attain" sexual abstinence and celibacy (as claimed by some yogis/sadhoos who endure frigid climates and live without food just surviving on these opiates). I realised that by I cannot do it and simultaneously maintain a demanding professional life. It just doesn't work. All it does is disconnect you with the world but not your inner realities. A big failure this was.
In lieu of these events, I met the college psychiatrist and told me the entire story and he said I was NOT an addict defining the fact that addicts need to increase their dosage from time to time and their behavior leads to their downfall, both physiologically and socially. He also here is a spectrum of libidos present in humans and Im probably at the high end. Diagnosing me with what he termed as "Mild Depressive disorder", he assetred that I was simply "self-destructive" and that the things will evetually cool with time, therapy and medicines. While I may agree that I have a naturally high libido, its impossible for me to agree that this is not addiciton. I have lost faith in my psychiatrists' knowledge of porn addiction. He doesn't realise that with porn, the case is different. The need for higher dosage is replaced by the attraction towards more weird and deviant stuff, digressing from everything that is natural. Moreover, I did not find his prescribed sleeping pills even remotely comforting and had to give up that idea. We do not have a psychotherapist here and now I am back to checking out forums on the net again as well as porn sites for intermittent gratification.
The specific problem with me is that I loose the seriousness of and the gravity of my own situation. It can be termed as either complacency or maybe the brain is bent so much under the clout of porn that it feels everything is under control and no extra caution needs to be taken. If the former happens to be true then probably I am weak in character but I don't exactly know. So everytime I try to control, I always start off well but evetually I relax control and loose to it. And right after the orgasm all is back to square one.
The most unbelievable part is the way your instincts hoodwink you into saying "there is no issue, no need to deny it" instead of saying "there is no issue, no need to do it". These kinds of auto-suggestions remain in the brain and after gratification when I analyse the two "me"s, I am simply baffled. While diving towars the tunnel, there is never a craving like a thirst or an urge, its a veil of carefreeness and a state of harmlessness and false invulnerability to porn. I start thinking "well, nothing bad is going to happen if I look at it this time. Its only momentary pleasure, we'll get back to work soon..." The humain brain is the most deceptive of all possible intelligences and probably porn/sex is the most influential chemical nature ever concieved. Its just depressing to find myself loose again.
I have visited such sites many a times before but I could never come to appreciate one as all others kept telling me that I was not a lost cause and I could rebuild, but none told me how. Its feels quite hopeful when I see some specific techniques related to orgasm control and sexual abstinence on this site. Marnia, I cannot thank you enough for giving me just another ray of hope. I do not under value the importance of sex in our general lives but my tryist with it has been so cloying and agonising that I am ready to sacrifice my genitals incase it can make me forget sexual craving and addiction.
While my story will be similar to many a stories here, I just had to write this for a third person to know and suggest specifically. I tried to write this post many a times but I had promised to myself that I wont write untill I had contolled orgasm for atleast day (I slipped in the 25th hour after trying for 7 days). I need some serious help and more than it I need the inner strength to continue. Thanks for holding on. I hope to be able to connect with some of you and to be able to derive hope and willingness to fight over time.
Meanwhile, just let me know, what do you think can be a possible path to this.