I have been amazingly busy but I have stuck to my plan for 26 days! Alas, today I broke my abstinence. I had looked for porn the latest 4 days and the tension had gotten to high. But I am so proud of myself that I made it for 26 days. I even feel a little nice from having to have to start from square one. It's a fresh feeling of loss and learning from it. It was very pure in the beginning, no porn, no excitement and I saw that I could remove myself from this living hell, I saw the light, the possibility of a life and not a wandering in pointlessness or even dying as an exit. I even see it now, just having broken my vow, the magnitude of this challenge. This will take time and I do not doubt that I will get tempted again, but now I now when I am my weakest, when I am alone, insecure and wanting to get away from the uncomfortable feelings that I get, but I have to experience them, head on!
These last 3 weeks or so has been a series of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, clarity and clouded vision. From the last 3 weeks I have learned more about myself then I have done the last 5 years of soul searching and studying of the human mind, on the outside. I've gotten the 1st hand experience!
My dopamine report for yesterday, before the breaking(5th of september):
*Low Dopamine: 3,46
*High Dopamine: 1,1
*Relationship disharmony: 2,92
I see a lot of things I could and should do better. Interacting with people more and getting more real with, what I want to spend my life energy on. I've bought Marnia's book but I haven't started it yet. I think the perfect time to start it is, now! I will also be meeting a psychologist/psychotherapist very soon(I reckon in a week or so) and I believe there I will receive support I have not had.
What I missed and what I recommend for anyone going through anything like this: have someone to talk to, someone you can say anything and everything to, without holding back any secrets. That was my downfall. I need someone to talk to, that was first this forum, then I started avoiding coming in here after the 6 days, bringing up excuses. But if I don't come in here daily and write what I am thinking and doing, then I won't heal, I won't get better. And healing is my top priority, I had realized that before, but I had to see it again, I had to fail to see better. I see now where I was wrong, proud, stubborn, and without humbleness. This will now change, no, it is already changed... I am changed.