26 days without Orgasm! - Everything changes

Submitted by Pertonis on
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Hi everybody!

I have been amazingly busy but I have stuck to my plan for 26 days! Alas, today I broke my abstinence. I had looked for porn the latest 4 days and the tension had gotten to high. But I am so proud of myself that I made it for 26 days. I even feel a little nice from having to have to start from square one. It's a fresh feeling of loss and learning from it. It was very pure in the beginning, no porn, no excitement and I saw that I could remove myself from this living hell, I saw the light, the possibility of a life and not a wandering in pointlessness or even dying as an exit. I even see it now, just having broken my vow, the magnitude of this challenge. This will take time and I do not doubt that I will get tempted again, but now I now when I am my weakest, when I am alone, insecure and wanting to get away from the uncomfortable feelings that I get, but I have to experience them, head on!

These last 3 weeks or so has been a series of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, clarity and clouded vision. From the last 3 weeks I have learned more about myself then I have done the last 5 years of soul searching and studying of the human mind, on the outside. I've gotten the 1st hand experience!

My dopamine report for yesterday, before the breaking(5th of september):

*Low Dopamine: 3,46
*High Dopamine: 1,1
*Relationship disharmony: 2,92

I see a lot of things I could and should do better. Interacting with people more and getting more real with, what I want to spend my life energy on. I've bought Marnia's book but I haven't started it yet. I think the perfect time to start it is, now! I will also be meeting a psychologist/psychotherapist very soon(I reckon in a week or so) and I believe there I will receive support I have not had.

What I missed and what I recommend for anyone going through anything like this: have someone to talk to, someone you can say anything and everything to, without holding back any secrets. That was my downfall. I need someone to talk to, that was first this forum, then I started avoiding coming in here after the 6 days, bringing up excuses. But if I don't come in here daily and write what I am thinking and doing, then I won't heal, I won't get better. And healing is my top priority, I had realized that before, but I had to see it again, I had to fail to see better. I see now where I was wrong, proud, stubborn, and without humbleness. This will now change, no, it is already changed... I am changed.

Pertonis

Congratulations on a great first attempt

and thanks for letting us know how you're doing. You're enabled to blog, which might suit you better if you're going to post regularly. (Check the left-hand margin for "My blog")

Glad you're learning important things about yourself and getting the help you need. The latter is a true act of self-love. I doubt your therapist will see periods of abstinence as valuable, but who knows? Wink

One question: Did you think you would be able to watch porn and maintain your abstinence? Did you consider just settling for masturbation without porn at that point? Porn, remember, is a "super-stimulus" as far as your brain goes. It makes arousal more intense, but it also seems to increase the hangover effects for most people. Fact is, if you're really horny, you don't need porn to orgasm. Smile Yes, it will be less intense, but you may find you don't go on a neurochemical roller coaster ride over the days following. Anyway, just something to experiment with one of these days.

All learning is good learning! Smile

*big hug*