Feeling So Much Better!

Submitted by Euphemism on
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I'm a 48-year-old male and have suffered from ever-increasing sexual dysfunction since I became sexually active at age 17. I entered into a new relationship with a wonderful woman one year ago and I've been extremely frustrated by E.D. ("cured" by Cialis) and delayed ejaculation that is so bad I almost never have an orgasm with her. I was raised in a liberal home and I've used porn as a sexual outlet since I was prepubescent. Amateur Internet porn and video chat have been my primary sexual outlets for many years now with in-person sexual relations acting more as a secondary outlet.

Last week I entered into counseling with a specialist in sex therapy with the goal of curing my delayed ejaculation. I mentioned I was a long-term porn user and was starting to think it was somehow causing my sexual dysfunction. He strongly recommended I abstain from porn. He went on to say there is currently a raging debate among sex therapists as to whether it is harmful, but his experience, based on his clinical practice, was that it was indeed causing a lot of problems.

I've now gone over a week without watching any porn or using video chat and I'm amazed at how quickly I am feeling sexually healed and renewed. I have stopped taking Cialis. It would still provide an increase in the hardness and duration of my erections but it is no longer essential and I think it is much safer and healthier in several dimensions to not use it unless absolutely necessary.

I was pretty sure stopping porn was going to heal my sexuality but once I stumbled on Marnia's work I knew everything was truly going to be OK with me. You have no idea what a relief this is for me. I've been sexually broken for practically my entire life and I finally know in the core of my being that this crucial component to life will for the first time function properly and within a beautiful, loving relationship to boot. I've been give the freedom to not chase orgasms and it's such a relief!

My intuition tells me that my girlfriend and I will need to work out what is uniquely best for us so I plan to take what Marnia proposes as more of an overall framework based on core principles that hold for most people. I've found that much of what she describes about pair bonding not surprisingly comes naturally to us. What is a not-so-small-thing is that I now know just how important these behaviors are and that we will be able to easily sustain them for the rest of our lives. What I used to think of as sex suddenly seems tiny in comparison to how broadly I understand it now.

I see too that my girlfriend and I are naturally drawn to a slower, sensual style of lovemaking. Aside from me continuing to abstain from porn and video chat I am going to propose that we simply a) stop making achieving orgasm a priority b) stay present with ourselves and with each other and c) make a commitment to consciously and creatively indulge bonding behaviors on an on-going basis. Aside from that I would like to explore all kinds of options and see what works best for us. Karezza might be it or maybe for us something a bit different will work best. Regardless, it will without a doubt be loving and spiritual. I'm a devout atheist so trying to figure out that last sentence might be a bit tough :)

Cupid's Poison Arrow arrives tomorrow and I look forward to reading it. I'm sure it will expand my understanding of what is possible in a loving, intimate relationship.

Thanks for your post

But honestly, it sounds like you could pretty much write the book yourself now. Wink

You sound like a natural, and I'm sure you'll find what works best for you two as you experiment. If you do explore karezza, feel free to share your thoughts, either in your own blog (see left-hand margin "My blog" link), or as part of one of the following threads, which have various couples' reflections: http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_evaluation As you'll see, people are experimenting with various approaches.

I'm really glad to hear that sex therapists are starting to wake up to the problem of Internet porn. It was a real eye-opener for me to discover (from this forum) that people with sensitive brains can so easily decrease their pleasure and sexual confidence...without even knowing what hit them.

I'd love to know what your therapist has to say about this article: http://www.reuniting.info/intoxicating_behaviors. I'm trying to find ways to get the message out in easy to understand terms.

Great to have you here!

Intoxicating Behaviors

I think this is a very helpful article for a layperson. I've passed the link on to my sex therapist and let him know you would like feedback but made it clear that I don't have any expectations for him to read it or comment.

Thanks for the warm welcome and opportunity to blog. I think I'll try blogging some since writing out my thoughts seems to help me crystallize my perspective and approach. Plus I would welcome hearing others' thoughts in response.