Online dating - making the process work better

Submitted by freedom on
Printer-friendly version

For a while I've been playing with online dating sites. I don't pay for any and I don't use a picture which might explain some of this. I also use craigslist where I will email, but don't post a picture. I'm wondering why it seems like I'm often initiating. When I get a response the dialog just drops off. That can also happen when the girls happen to start the process. I've noticed this in person too. I might have an ok time...good enough to consider another date...and we might converse a little afterward, but then the girl disappears. I don't think I'm being too slow. I've been complimented on freely giving out my contact info and nicely asking people to do something simple and fun. Is this purely a numbers game I have to play until we happen to match? I'm open to just gaining a friend too. I don't need to marry the girl. Are the girls being too uptight about the process?

I don't really like online dating. I prefer in person even though it can be more awkward. There just aren't enough activities where I can find someone suitable and I don't always have the time when there happens to be an activity.

Comments

I really don't envy you guys

It's tough and there are probably no simple answers. Don't assume it's something you're doing wrong. It may simply be that your ideal sweetheart isn't going to be found that way. On the other hand, meeting new friends is still a good idea...because one of them may introduce you to Her. Wink Just be open and stay focused on the goal of having a companion. It might even be fun to write up a description of her...just so you recognize her when she shows up. Wink

I wrote a description way

I wrote a description way back. I've never opened it. I've got it and will open it for fun when I find her just to see how astute an early teen mind can be. I'm not a first choices person. I try to be accepting because someone least expected could be perfect for me. I sort of hope for surprise. At this point I think descriptions are not so good which is part of the reason I don't like online dating. In person one can learn a fact and think ok, let's hold judgment or ok, but I really like another fact. Online systems force one to compartmentalize the analysis so that a negative fact makes you just hit next...after all the selection is endless just like porn. At this point I'm happy to 'shop' online and simply conclude I'd think about dating any of these people...sometimes I'm not so sure I'd date any which might be my problem or a problem with the system. The internet is great, but it makes people more reclusive which makes dating hard. That is coming from an introvert.

It isn't only us guys. The gals are suffering with the process too. When did everyone become an ax murderer or simply too crazy to have coffee with? Darn media.

My biggest in-person issue for now is figuring out who is attached, but without a ring. I could stick to only people who openly flirt, but that limits the options. I'm generally not assertive enough, but I think that is because I haven't been wowed just yet. I've also learned that most instant wow tends to fizzle really fast and I'm glad I said nothing.

You sound like

a very wise man, actually. I'm glad you're open to being surprised, too.

You'll work things out. Don't forget activities other than dating, at which you'd be able to get to know people first. www.meetup.com, dance class, etc., etc.

I'm seriously thinking of

I'm seriously thinking of dance classes. I've wanted to learn some sort of formal dance for a while. I wish I had more free time for non-academic learning. I've had limited success with meetup. So many groups are barely operational and only a few people attend. I don't have most evenings free so attending events regularly is difficult. While these road blocks don’t matter, the process of finding someone becomes slower and more frustrating. I can’t be the only one or we wouldn’t see an ever increasing selection of online dating sites. Maybe it is the porn mindset driving it all.

Not a fan of online dating

I personally don't like online dating as I have no luck. I remember trying an online speed dating site. On the site you are shown a picture and brief description of the other person, you have a minute to exchange words...now what I've experienced is that older women were less judgmental (and interesting) about talking to me than the younger one's (my age range) were. I felt somewhat offended after being 'e-rejected' lol. I have a friend who uses okcupid, I've signed up just out of curiosity, sent a few messages to ladies, nothing at all sexual. Just things relevant to their interests, no reply. I'm extroverted so I can't sit online waiting for someone to decide if they want to get to know me. I tend to have better luck with women in person...they can see me, I can flirt or initiate conversation. Alot of times women find me attractive in person. Online its as though people are extremely picky, and I don't like that. Maybe online people are very guarded about someone they don't know? Then again some people who join those sites, join for attention. Online all you get are pictures and text. You don't get the full experience of meeting a person. But, some people have better experiences in that field. More power to them.

I understand how you feel freedom. It can be frustrating trying to find someone. I get lonely sometimes, but now I'm so focused on my band and becoming a better guitar player that its not getting to me. I've decided to just focus on myself right now. Just trying to find inner peace.

So who likes these online

So who likes these online dating sites? Or is it just that this is the world we live in? It is interesting that I as an introvert and you as an extrovert don’t like the sites for similar reasons. You’re probably better working the in-person crowd. I’m fine one on one, but suck as sorting through the crowd. I could do it, but I choose not to. I’d much rather have substantive conversations with a few people than idle banter with many.

I'm with you on focusing on yourself. It is something we can control. A better you makes you a better partner down the road. But, you can't just let time totally pass you by either. I know I'm not getting younger and I know I'm the type of person that will take time to form a strong relationship even if it seems perfect upfront.

Quite a lot of people

who marry these days are finding mates through the internet. I can't remember the number, but I remember being surprised by it. However, maybe they are using sites that are narrower, and related to particular interests.

I agree freedom

I agree freedom I feel that if we work on bettering ourselves a prospective partner may take notice. We may attract someone who's aligned with what we're looking for. I'm the same way, I really just want to get to know a woman first. But, I don't mind cuddling or anything innocent like that. You're right, we cant just let time pass us by. But I feel that we just have to wait while we're seeking social interaction with others. As for online dating, that could be true Marnia. I have a friend who found her recent boyfriend through world of warcraft. I also have a friend who found her now husband via the internet, I think its through sites and such that people have similar interests with which they can connect.

Freedom, I think if you were

Freedom, I think if you were to use a site where you pay to be a member, you might find a better selection of possible dates, meaning, they are seriously there to find someone and are willing to pay for that service (I'm afraid the "free" sites are sometimes filled with people just kind of halfway serious, if you know what I mean? Possibly even some married folks just looking around, unfortunately).

Also, a photo would probably help immensely.

I had great success with my one and only experience with one of the larger sites (Match.com). I'm a woman who lives on 37 acres out in the middle of nowhere and doesn't like to run my truck to town a lot, so finding someone through the internet had a lot of appeal for me! I could not be happier with the person who found me through this process...

My sister lives in a large city and she, too, had great success with the same service. She and her sweetie have been together for six years now.

In addition, I think love will find you when you are ready to accept it...so don't give up hope and please know that it can find you when you least expect it!

rediscovered

I agree that it could be

I agree that it could be that either she is or I am not ready...some sort of fate/faith/etc. thinking. I know people successfully meet through these sites. However, statistically, most of the sites are a failure. Their success ratio is terrible. See, for example, http://onlinedatingpost.com/archives/2009/06/match-com-success-rates/ where the rate is 1 in 1369 dates lead to marriage. i know that means one try for some and endless tries for others. Perhaps a monkey or computer script could do better or at least as well. Those numbers also don't address the marriage failures down the line which might indicate fundamental up front problems. As such, I don't pay for these sites. It is a money spinner playing on a vulnerability. I have better ways to waste my money. I also don't know of any for my social group that are paid only. The mix of paid and free makes paying pointless as the non-payers can't respond. Anyway, that is my pessimistic, but perhaps realistic view. I’m still optimistic overall. I'm guessing these sites work better in more rural areas with less choice. In the big cities, too much choice is part of the problem.

I don't know if correlating

I don't know if correlating marriage to the dating sites is a good indicator of whether they are successful?

For example, I did not join with the intention of finding someone to marry because I've already been married and don't think I want to go down that road again. My sister feels the same way. (But I never say never, so who knows?)

And I didn't feel as though I was being played for my vulnerability nor my money...for the small sum I paid to join for three months, I found a wonderful man with whom I am madly in love. Can you even put a price on that?

But, as I get older, I spend more time thinking about the present and less about the what-ifs of the future...if today is good and I am in love, that is enough for me. Marriage is no promise of future happiness with your mate...it's all a roll of the dice, you know?

rediscovered

You are onto something in

You are onto something in the sense that marriage minded and not marriage minded people approach things very differently. For example the Plenty of Fish people have started eVow to attempt to capture the marriage focused market. Of course marriage is no guarantee of anything. I'm definitely marriage minded, but open to picking up friends along the way. If I don't see marriage potential I would move on. Otherwise we're both wasting time because generally I'm dating a marriage minded person. That doesn't mean I rush because it takes time to see a complete person. I think part of the problem is that I'm more patient than the other party. I'm not following a timetable. As long as a date is ok, I'll go on another one unless I begin to see a kill-the-deal factor which I try to make non-trivial. I think too many women want a romance novel type of relationship. I can't imagine that happens very often. It takes us guys time to decide we like you too (assuming we don't just want sex). Of course, my process doesn't necessarily give much immediate fulfillment or help much with this process we're attempting on here, especially if there is no physical contact at all.

I know it isn't much money. Most people are, however, wasting their money. I know plenty people that pay and barely use the sites.

I have had mixed results

I have had mixed results without online dating recently, but I think a big issue is there are more (active) men than women so the women have more choices than they can manage with! Maybe try a site with fewer members both m and f, where things remain a bit less overwhelming and thus focussed for all involved.