My story

Submitted by fresh on
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First of all, excuse me for my poor english: I'm spanish.

I've been a porn addict for several years, and a reader of this site for two or three months and I've decided to be more involved in it because it has helped me a lot. As a kind of "presentation" I'll share my story like others did before.

I started masturbating when I was 12 or 13 years old. A friend of me told me about it and it was just amazing, I couldn't believe it. Until I went to high school (14 years old in Spain) I had access to some nude photos and the like, but nothing too pornographic. In high school I saw my first porn movie and I really liked it. I was masturbating madly at that time. Sometimes like 6 times a day. It was very compulsive. I come from a very religious background and education, so the masturbation was mixed with shame and fear.

Things went OK until I went to college (18 years old) I moved from my hometown in order to study in a good university and I got broadband Internet access. I was amazed at how much porn I had avaliable at just one click of the mouse. I became hooked. Badly. I spent hours and hours in front of my computer looking and porn and collecting tons of it. I also suffered from the "extremization" of my porn. I started watching nude girls, then normal porn, more extreme stuff, etc. I reached a point where I scene without anal sex was meaningless to me, it was a waste of time.

When I was 21 years old I got a girlfriend (a long-time girlfriend, not a one-night stand (is that the way it's said?) ) I was with her for 5 years more or less. The relationship doesn't ended well, but I learned an important thing: when I masturbated I was angry and irritable for a couple of days. I detected this because when I'd a date with her I wanted to make a good impresion, and I wasn't able to when I was in that couple of days , so I started to link masturbation with asocial behaviour.

As the years passed by, I became more and more introvert and asocial and irritable. For several months I was unable to dare to know someone new.

Several months ago, I discovered this site. I was very very lucky. I've a news feed that posts interesting articles from a lot of sites with a wide range of topics. It has a very high traffic (300+ posts a day), so I usually look at the topics only reading the interesting ones. There are days that I simply don't have time, so I mark all the items as read. Someday I was looking at the news and got bored so I was about to mark all as read, but the last item caught my attention: it was about porn addiction. Actually, it was an article by Marnia. My mind was blown away by how porn affects the brain. I started to look for more things and found the book "Cupid's poisoned arrow" and this site. When I arrived here I still thought that I was addicted to masturbation, not pornography. I read a lot of "testimonials" and articles and I decided to quit porn (but NOT masturbation)

What I found was interesting: I didn't want to masturbate without porn. I hadn't got the desire. Without porn it was meaningless. Another thing: if I masturbated watching porn I couldn't control ejaculation and ejaculated in 3-4 minutes. But in situations without porn, I could control my ejaculation far more easily!

I went a month without PMO, but relapsed and went into a binge.

Now, I'm starting dating another girl and I want to quit again. I'm now 10 days sober and counting, and I've taking measures to improve and to success this time: I've installed K9 in my main computer and given the password to another person, I've thrown away my laptop (big temptation) and I've given my smartphone to this girl and bought a very very basic phone without Internet.

So that's all for now. I want to write another post about my relationship with this girl and the problems I'm facing.

Sorry again for my bad english and thanks for reading and commenting. See you here!

Hi Fresh

First, your English is fine, and we appreciate that you take the time to express yourself in a foreign language. Gracias. Wink

I'm glad you're working these mysteries out for yourself. Well done! Relapses happen, so don't worry about that at all. You sound quite determined, and you will succeed. Part of any recovery is learning the triggers to watch out for.

Yes, it's interesting that porn itself can be an addiction, quite apart from masturbation. It took me time to figure that out, too. What this means is that the real challenge is avoiding extreme stimuli, because that's what drives the need for more and more stimulation.

That said, avoiding (or cutting back on) masturbation itself...or at least not forcing it if it isn't happening...can also be very helpful. It gives the key part of the brain a rest, so it can return to normal sensitivity.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Feel free to start a blog. (Find "My blog" in left-hand margin.)

Thanks

Thanks for your comment, Marnia. It's very helpful to be understood and encouraged. Thanks for the oportunity to start a blog, I think it'll help me to understand what I'm going through, and maybe help others also!