Another start

Submitted by SOTM on
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I am new to the forum, but have been browsing articles on this site and others most of this year regarding porn/masturbation addiction. Addiction is nothing new to me at all, and I guess I have used porn as something to fall back on as i quit all my past addiction. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober since May 2005. I quit smoking at the same time, and have been drug(mostly pot) free for a year. I was also overweight after I quit drinking, and have recently lost about 70 pounds and I am now in alot better shape, and still plan on exercising more.

The past 8 or so months, I have become extremely aware of my lack of control over masturbation and porn use. I have watched porn for at least 14years, i am 33 soon. I have degraded into more extreme stuff, alot of transsexual porn lately. I am not at all attracted to shemales other than the porn, and once I am done, I am actually disgusted by the thought of it. If it is not that is other whacked out straight porn that only degrades women into complete objects. It was a relief reading some of the articles on here that it does not really matter waht porn it is, it is just the stimulation of it, and the need for more extreme and odd things. I am attracted to women, but have felt no real sex drive towards them for years. I have not been with a women in years either, I seem to have fallen into the trap of just jerking off at least daily, if not several times daily.

I have quit several times this year, the most for 1 month- usually for a week or 2- before I relapse again into several days of porn. When I do relapse, it is usually a huge binge, which I then am disgusted with myself for doing. I feel terrible mentally for a couple days afterwards. I guess the more positive side to the past several months is I have masturbated less than I have at most any part of my life since I had started in my teens.

Anyways, today starts another day of giving it up, and I have had it with it. It has been the most difficult addiction for me. I am destroying my laptop and wiping my HDD clean. I don't really store porn on either, it is just a trigger for me, as I start thinking about it, then it just falls apart before i know what happened. I have my router set to block most porn i can, but I have just gone to bypassing it by switching off the parental controls. I am going to try K9 or the like and have either someone else enter the PW or if I can try it with some hideous, impossible to remember PW that I will never recall. Doing it on my router is not an option as i need to adjust its settings frequently.

Anyways, here I go again.

Frankly,

you sound like an amazing human being. Look at the transformations you've already accomplished. Given your history, you probably got stuck with the "impulsive" genetic blueprint (increases susceptibility to getting hooked on things), but you're doing an amazing job of figuring out how to escape the net. Bravo!

I think you may find that sex is at the heart of all addictions. Freud said that, too. By that, I mean that when you balance this one, your brain will truly be in balance. So be optimistic.

Since you know all about addiction and the value of K9, I'll suggest you work on what you can do to increase the good feelings in your life without relying on artificial dopamine spurts of any kind. What works best? Exercise? Meditation? Socializing? Time in nature? Qi gong? Dance class?

And be prepared, because as you return to balance, you may also find that normal women start to look pretty good again. Wink No rush...but be ready.

Blog if you like.

Hi SOTM

Wow! You went a whole month!? That's great! My best is 19 days. Right now I'm on 6.

Anyway, welcome here. I'm trying to stick to a new rule I made which is if I feel I need to masturbate I come to this site and read instead. I've been coming here a lot lately.

Like you, I just need my brain to balance out again so I can feel normal.

I wish you the best and just keep focusing on how great you're going to feel.

Welcome to the forum

I've been watching porn for 12 years but I became heavily addicted 3 years ago when I discovered POV and shemale porn with the rise of tube sites. There's something about those 2 types of porn that just make me lose control.

Abstaining from porn has to go hand in hand with a change in mindset. If you abstain from porn but continue to fantasize about shemales then you're probably going to end up relapsing again.

Check out My Ultimate Porn Recovery thread by back2life: http://www.reuniting.info/node/4660

Marnia, Thank you for the

Marnia,

Thank you for the kind words. I have hobbies already that I enjoy, like aquariums, that occupy alot of my time and thought. I am going to get more involved in them. I do have a local club involving them, and I hope to overcome my social withdrawn tendencies and branch out to others more. I don't even know if I am naturally withdrawn some, or if that is even the result of years of this nonsense.

The more time I went without, I did notice women being more attractive to me- usually with that butterfly feeling as I see them. I also noticed more attention from them, IDK if it is somehow the vibe I give off or if they can sense it.
I guess I was not patient enough the last several lengths I went without, and almost "gave up" I guess. I do find the sort of limbo of minimal sex drive a little unnerving, but i am just going to give it more time and see what happens.
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Just Someone,

Thanks, and congrats on going as long as you have. Even just 1 or 2 days is better than being stuck in that endless cycle. It does seem to get a litttle easier dealing with the first several days as you get used to the feel of it, for myself at least.
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Underdog,

Im the same with those stupid tube sites, they are brutal in the sense of availability and there is no sting the next day of buying anything. I don't fantasize about them really during the day, it is more at night if I am on the computer and I get even the briefest thought or fantasy. If I do not snap that out of my mind immediately, it spirals into the usual. Thanks for the link, I will definitely check it out.
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Day 2, so far so good. Dealing with the usual porn "flashbacks" of my favorite scenes in my mind, almost out of the clear blue. My weakest times are the morning with fantasizing of porn, and nightimes on the computer if I get bored online.

3 weeks in....

3 weeks with no PMO at all, and so far so good. I allow myself limited fantasties in the AM when I wake, but strictly thinking about real women, and only fantacizong about full lovemaking, not just like I was in a porno.

I have had no real desire to even watvh the crap, save for one night when I was really tempted. The usual temptation of trying to justify throwing away a few days of being clean since it was "not a big accomplishment". Right now, even the thought of all the porn I watched and what I was watching kind of disgusts me, although I am not letting my guard down on that one.

Overall, I feel alot more stable so far, less irritable. I have always been irritable and impatient...I have no idea if that is really how I am, or if it is just a side effect of endless PMO- since I have never been free of it more than a month. Sleeping has always kinda sucked for me, although i have been sleeping a touch better the last few nights with long vivid dreams. I am feeling more attracted to women, but still feel a lack of libido- similar to what someone else posted a few threads up. That killed my progress last time, since I resorted to looking at porn a couple times to make sure I still felt something...and of course that snowballs into a massive binge.

I have no real set goal as far as how many days. I'd rather just go completely without masturbation until I sleep with a real women. If that drags out too long....I'll cross that brisge when I get to it. For now I am going for an absolute minimum of 2-3 months.

Well...I've been slipping

Well...I've been slipping for the past couple weeks. I had started looking at female escort sites, and that has spiraled back into the same old crap. Getting an escort is something I have considered i the past as a way of getting rid of the anxiety of being with a woman, since it has been so long. I do not know if that is a healthy avenue to pursue, and I can imagine it manifesting itself into the next addiction "morph" - so I am going to leave that thought be for awhile. I still think an escort would be far better than porn, at least it is a real person....?

K9 is ok, but emailing the administor password is a loophole I found too easily. I have now sent it to an aol email account, and then blocked aol on K9 and my router. I have also put K9 on one work computer...tomorrow will be ALL computers I have access to. I usually don't use the work ones for porn....but when they are the ones that can access porn. I will put the same AOL "trick" on them as well. I cannot have access to passwords....they are to easy to copy and paste in.

Starting again tomorrow, and on the positive side, Ive at least learned a few things. my irritability is back to its original levels, so I at least know porn/M is behind the vast majority of that. When I did slip back into the porn, I was getting a rush feeling from looking at it....which I had not experienced in years. I can only assume that at least means I am cpapble of getting that rush feeling...that is something that would progress back into normal sexual urges i would imagine. Unfortunately, the slips have resulted in even more porn and masturbation....almost like making up for lost time. Same exact thing would happen when I quit alcohol...the slips would result in my drinking actually increasing. It was to the point that wiht my last and final "session"(months) of alcohol resulted in a few bouts of hospitialization for alcohol induced cardiac problems.

Probably going to start the blog on this site, or even just post somewhere on the site to keep myself focused on my goal. The lackof libido is something that I am getting used to feeling. I alos feel loneliness...but my social skills stink right now, so I will deal with that day to day. I wish I was able to run out and be Mr. Social to help overcome this, but that is just not really me.

Here we go again :).

Live and learn

Sounds like you've got a handle on things now. Yes, that binge effect you notice is called the "abstinence violation effect." It's just one of the many little challenges that you addiction warriors have to contend with during recovery. Smile

But I think you're wise to see the surging feelings as a clear sign that the sensitivity of your brain was returning...and will return again whenever you give it the chance. Also good to know about the irritability factor. That's a big symptom for me, too, after too much stimulation.

Don't know what to think about escorts. Maybe there's some sort of sexual surrogate who would help you more with the emotional connection aspect of getting used to female company again.

Good luck this time around! Looking forward to your blog.