Today I'm in day 11 without PMO, and I'm feeling very very low. I can't concentrate on anything at work, I feel tired, don't want to talk, my legs are hurting and I feel very stressed. Also there's two things that are haunting my mind the last couple of days, and they're both related to my girlfriend.
I started to date this girl like two months ago, but I've know her for almost my entire life. She's the younger sister of a friend of mine. For many years the age difference was big enough to not have friendly contact. Like three years ago I started to see her with other eyes, because she turned very attractive to me, but I was with another girl. I recently left the other girl and I'm know going out with this girl, who has been at my side all times, but I barely know (so there's no "discovering your life and qualities" side of beginning of a relationship, yet she's like another person to me now that we're going out together). To make things worse (or better), her parents are VERY friends with my parents and she lives in my same building and we share life-time friends (so if I split with her it'd a HUGE impact in my environment). I have to say she is very religious (yeah, sex is out of the relationship for now: that's no problem for me, I'm OK with that)
First of the thougths: I'm beginning to have negative thougths about her. I was VERY attracted physically to her during years (she was my masturbatory fantasy girl for a long time), but now that she's with me, I'm starting to think that "maybe she's a little fat" "maybe she needs to put on a diet (or have a liposuction (I had one this year and I'm very happy with it))" "maybe her ass is not that great" "she's not very funny, I wish she were funnier" things like that. Add to this that when I'm on my way to work, I'm constantly evaluating other girls' sexyness and thinking "my gf could be that way" or "that girl is hotter..." things like that. The problem for me is: Did I rushed things with this girl and I really didn't like her (just to satisfy me)? Am I simply a total jerk? Or are this thoughts maybe related to my porn addiction or, most importantly, recovery? (I'm having a very very bad day today, I'm at a low point in the recovery process) What do you think?
Second: I'm in doubt about telling her of my porn addiction and plan to stop. The main problem is that she is very religious, and she think that I am too (well, I'm very religious, but with this flaw) and maybe she would be shocked by this revelation. I'm afraid she wouldn't understand and wouldn't support me. She would have to be very strong to take an hit like that. I don't how she'd react. In the other hand, maybe this would unite us more, you know, like something to fight together. I know that if she provides me support my feelings for her would grew very strong.
Well, I have two problems here, and the low dopamine isn't helping so any suggestions will be VERY welcome. Thanks!
PS: this is my last run towards quitting porn. This time I'll succeed!