I am really trying to fight this addiction. I've MB'd about 3 times in the past month. I am managing to go about 10 days before the addiction kicks in again, and I slip up momentarily, then try and start clean again.
The one thing that is really getting me down though, is the different forms and shapes of how this addiction is taking place. I've analysed this, and over the past 2 years or so, the problem is no longer being addicted to porn and MB. The various things which I have a problem with I have listed below, with the more serious ones towards the bottom of the list -
1) MB - the simplest and most harmless on this list.
2) Browsing porn. Right now I have a web filter on my PC, so it is virtually impossible to browse porn anymore. The filter is definitely helping.
3) I have this strange compulsion to want to post photos of my wife, or mother-in-law (who I find attractive) on porn forums, and get a thrill from seeing the responses. Even writing this makes me feel sick. Why am I doing this? I have huge regrets once I've MB'd from this, and delete the photos immediately afterwards. This is far worse than simply MB'ing to porn. I don't know how to stop this compulsion. The web filter is definitely helping though.
4) Setting up false email accounts and emailing my mother-in-law sexual emails. I cannot even begin to explain why I'm doing this. It is sick, sick, sick. Again, once I've MB'd to doing this, the regrets and sleepless nights afterwards are endless.
5) The final one on this horrible sin list. Actual sex with another woman behind my wife's back. This is not that much of a regular occurence, but obviously this is the worst of the lot. I don't believe in affairs, and actually find people who cheat on their partners to be disgusting. I've never had an affair, but I have had drunken one-night stands, which is all they have been. Needless to say, I have had huge regrets the next day.
Looking at this list now, MB and browsing P is the most harmless of the lot. I just don't know how to combat this anymore. I've been trying to fight this addiction over the past 7 or 8 months, but every now and again, I will trip up, slip up, and it will be one of the above 5 on the sin list that will lead me to slip-up.
I'm in despair right now. How the hell can I make this all stop...? I manage to fight off the urges day after day, night after night, but eventually something will trigger it again, and it will be one of the above 5 that does it. I realise now that 1 and 2 on this list have obviously led to the other 3 addictions.
I just had to write this out and turn to someone for help. I need help. Right now I'm so ashamed of myself, I can't even face looking in the mirror anymore....