I havn't been looking on internet porn or had an orgasm for two weeks today which feels good. But today something pretty weird happend. I had a free day today so I woke got out of bed around 10 am and checked the computer for a while. I guess I felt very bored or understimulated or so because I checked out the porn section on another forum (not only porn based, it has a lot of non-porn sections) where I found free-access to a big site with movies.
I got stuck there, saving and viewing movies for the whole day. I sat there for twelve hours straight without even eating. Basicly I had my "breakfast" at 9 pm and then I got back to the collector mode and collected movies for five hours more. I just finished off.. but I havn't masturbated while looking. Actually I havn't even been very close.
I guess my dopamine was running very high because I didnt got hungry during this time, and I still feel pretty buzzed out. The thing is that I didn't really watch the movies closely, I just looked through them fast, saved them very fast and saved the one I liked. I think the thing that I got superhooked on today was the search for the perfect clip and the collecting itself. I just think this is very weird.. I have never consumed in this extreme way ever before.
I have no idea what to do with the huge collection of super-stimulating movies I have on the computer right now. I guess I'll just delete them.. But I dont know, it just feels SAFE to have them on the computer. Is that the addict in me feeling out of control with out them, or would I just feel empty of I deleted them because the huge amount of time I put down to collect the perfect clips?
Well, I'm glad I didnt orgasm though. I think it will be interesting to see how I feel the next couple of days, If I will get a hangover from this even though I didnt masturbate. Maybe the massive dopamine relase that occur for me today will make some sort of hangover tomorrow? I guess I will just see tomorrow :)
And by the way.. this was a good wake up call for me that I really cant handle this. I need a plan when the urge kicks in. I have learned pretty well to handle the urge for masturbation but not really the urge for porn-viewing since this is another type of urge I think. I think this urge is an urge for excitment.