For a couple of months ago I found this site and I've read alot of the interesting things there is to read here. I also try to avoid pornography and masturbation. I think I'm moving forward but I also had relapses. Overall I'm pretty happy with that I had achieved going without P/M for two weeks, two times and I had experienced the benefits of it. Two weeks is much longer that I had gone without since I started masturbating in my early teens. Now I'm aiming for longer orgasmfree periods and to end the pornconsumtion completely.
Anyhow, besides the temptations of P/M I also tend to relapse when I chat with two female friends I have on MSN. I sometimes chat with one of them, and aiming for making it a sex-chat including webcam-teasing or meeting up and having sex. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. Come to think of it I even have three of these girls, but the last one is a girl that I slept with a couple of years ago, but as I do sometimes chat with without talking about sex or meeting up. Though, I do flirt a little and try making it a little sexy from time to time.
I think this behaviour is pretty immature since I'm 26 years old. But I do remember having a lot of girls at the MSN when I was younger, doing all kinds of things including meeting up. Some of them I found on dating sites. Though, I'm pretty sure these two, or three, girls are the last casual female MSN-contacts I will ever have since I don't do this anymore, though they have lived on since I was younger.
Anyway, they are huge triggers for me and as soon as they log in I often start chatting with them with the aim for a sex-thing. Pretty often I make it happend also, with a cam-show or a meeting. If I meet one of them and have sex, I usually feel cheap and no good afterwards. Even at the very moment I orgams I feel anxiety and shame while ejaculating. More with one of them than the other. I also fantasysing about cute, interesting girls at the University while having sex with these girls.
All this behaviour makes me feel immature and promiscuous. I have tried blocking them and deleting them from my MSN, but their contact info gets saved in the database and is very easy to just dig up and add again. I usually do this If I have gone without sex with another casual partner for a time and starts fantasysing about sex with a real partner. Then I add them again and usually makes it happend.
I know that I'm not interested in a future with none of these women. They might be sexy but I will never fall in love with them, their whole existens is to be honest just for lust and sex for me and I'm not even the slightest interest to talk to them about anything else than sex. When I chat to them I sometimes are so narrowed to speaking about sex I wonder why the hell they meet me or even talk to me. I guess its just my looks. Honestly, I have used or being used for my looks alot of times during my life. Girls have just approached me at bars etc. pretty much since I started to go out. And that had led to alot of casual sex in my life which might have triggered some sort of sexaddiction.
I do love women, and I wanna have a relationship with someone very bad. I do have so much to give and I'm a very empathic and sympathic and pretty charming and interesting guy.. but I feel like when I live this promiscuous life I dont give the true me a chance to blossom. I wanna give someone the chance of experiencing the real me with all my benefits, and make a woman I love really happy with just being me. Like I said I'm a smart, empathic, safe guy and I wanna live out that side with someone instead of these casual sex behaviours. In my optimal world I rather live a couple of years in celibacy and finding myself and healing and being happy than having casual sex. But my cravings and temptations doesn't really agree with that.
Maybe I'm a sex addict? How many dimensions are there to all these sexual problems? I feel that I try and try... Well, I guess its just time to start trying again with the none P/M and also deleting these contacts from my MSN.
Againg.. I just felt for venting and any input would be more than welcome. Maybe someone can relate to some of the things I experience? Would love to hear from it..