Overcoming my fear of rejection and abandonment

Submitted by Blossom on
Printer-friendly version

I discovered this website while looking into the benefits of abstinence of ejaculation. I guess I feel like my brain chemistry is a bit off, so I've been doing everything I can to get it back to "normal". I've suffered for a long time with social anxiety and depression. I think I've pulled out of the depression part.

You can skip to the bolded text below. The unbolded is a lot of my history that might bore you, although it is relevant.

My biggest struggle is getting closer with others, being more intimate. Since high school, I've had a strong burning desire to be intimate with a women. Never has it been all about sex, though that is great too. It's more so that mutual connection and comfort being in a relationship brings. Something I'm sure all of us here are searching for or already have.

I have a history of betrayal and abandonment. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I've never felt like I've had an immediate family. My parents love me and they try but It's just not the same. I was never able to establish a strong connection with my step parents. My parents were constantly fighting when I was younger, always putting my brother and I in the middle. Me and my brother were constantly fighting with our mom. Every time dad picked me up, something happened with mom. I don't know what it is but we just cannot get along and God knows I have tried. When she married my step father I knew it was hopeless. He manipulates her and purposely tries to make my life hell. That is definitely not home.

I also had a struggle with keeping and finding friends. I had a tendency of getting attached to one person. The relationship with my best friend growing up slowly faded after their parents grounded me from seeing him for a month because I put shaving cream on one of our other friends as a sleep over prank. I then found another group of friends I got really close to because we all shared a love for the same sport. My relationship with all 3 of them died after one of their parents forbid me from coming to their house and they all lived on the same block. Me and one of the 3 friends gained access to my friends online profile and defaced it to which we held hostage. Looking back it was pretty mean but I never had intentions of hurting anyone. I gave it back but his parents didn't like it. Again, I feel abandoned.

I am very thankful for my dad because we have always connected pretty well. Things were great with him until he found out about my marijuana smoking habit that I didn't want to stop which ended up in me being kicked out of the house at only 17 years old. I should have respected the rules of his house but yet again I felt abandoned. After that whole situation, my step mom no longer wants me back in the house and has actually built up a lot of anger towards me. To this day she holds a grudge despite all my visits to them and my attempts to repair the damage. My dad tells me she has a letter for me explaining her feelings. I declined the letter after my dad described it as being very passionate. She has emotional problems as well and is on antidepressants. I can only imagine what is written in that letter and I fear it will scar another place in my heart.

After being being kicked out of my fathers house, I stayed with my mom until my step dad pushed me off the edge. My mistake was thinking it could work in the first place. I literally found random people to live with and moved all my stuff all in a matter of hours. Since then I've been hopping from place to place with people who advertise for roommates online. None of these living conditions have been comfortable. I am now staying with some friends I've met and feel at least somewhat at peace.

Another friend I grew very close to through high school suddenly moved to another state. I then established a close connection with yet another friend who ended up moving 2 hours away to go to school. Both hurt and left me with similar feelings of abandonment.

Everything I do seems to end up in disaster and it's to the point where I can almost not expect anything less.

I know it's a lot but I feel my history is important so you can see from my perspective. I'm at a high point in my life right now. I have a great job and close relationship with my boss who wants to form a partnership with me. My boss went through similar struggles and he understands my position completely. He is a real genuine person who can give me unbiased opinions on my personality. He seems to know more about me than I do myself. He calls us family and treats me like family. Finally, something I feel like I belong to.

Socially, I am doing better than ever. I have a good amount of friends who show me respect. I feel I have successfully combated a large part of my social anxiety but not 100%. Meeting new people and establishing close connections is still a struggle, especially with women. I fear rejection and being abandoned again. I am getting a lot better at speaking to strangers and making small talk. I find it hard to make a direct move on a women. Even if she is showing obvious interest I still can't seem to pass the barrier. I have good looks and intelligence on my side and I still find it very difficult.

Twice this month I've been told I should have made a move by my lady friends. I was ordering something at a bar and my friend told me we were flirting (even though I didn't realize it) and that I should of asked for her number. Another time at the beach a girl's dog kept running up to me and my friend told me that she was "giving me the eye" and I should of talked to her. I really wanted to yet fear held me back. One of these lady friends said to me "I want to see you with a girlfriend" (she is taken by the way) and my response was "not for a long time". I said that as an excuse because I have such doubt/fear in my mind so I was pretending to not care about it.

Sorry for the novel. Writing this has actually helped a lot in itself. I would like to hear your thoughts, opinions, and advice. What can I do to reunite with myself and pass these feelings of fear? I am 19 years old, turning 20 in a few weeks.

Thanks for sharing your story

Only 19, and already you are making enormous progress even though you've been dealt a very tough hand this lifetime. Good for you! Sounds like you're finding your own "tribe," since your family wasn't able to provide it.

It will probably continue to be a gradual process to get where you want to go in terms of overcoming all dating anxiety. And some men claim "butterflies in the stomach" are just part of the the dating game. Maybe accepting that will let you move through it.

But also trust that the time wasn't right yet. Maybe you needed to stabilize some other aspects of your life before you were ready for an intimate relationship. Also, just because someone flirts, doesn't mean you *must* act. Wink

You didn't mention if you are masturbating a lot, especially to porn. I bring that up because people do sometimes notice substantial improvements in their ability to flirt as they cut back. http://www.reuniting.info/cowardly_lion_masturbating_too_much This isn't because porn/masturbation is "bad," but because overstimulation can temporarily suppress some of a person's natural zest, and cause him to be less attentive to subtle signs and pleasures. http://www.reuniting.info/intoxicating_behaviors

Good luck on your journey. Feel free to start your own blog if you like: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers And, once again, congratulations on the progress you've already made. Give yourself a pat on the back. Smile

Thanks Marnia for the

Thanks Marnia for the encouraging words. I actually have been abstaining from masturbation and pornography and I already see the benefits it provides. I notice women tend to check me out more and are a lot more responsive when I abstain. In fact I experience everything described in the article you've linked. I don't know whether I should try to stop until I find a mate or if I should just cut back significantly. Ejaculation can change my personality entirely, maybe I just need to find the right frequency. But I've been reading about Taoist sexual practice, preserving your "life energy" and focusing it in other directions.

I'm also currently experimenting with fasting. I've read that fasting brings many healing powers including mental/emotional repair. I'm just about done with day 3 of my first fast and while I experience pain from hunger, I'm very sound mentally. The world seems slowed down and I can view my life from another perspective, allowing me to analyze possibly destructive behavior.

I ended up fasting for 4

I ended up fasting for 4 days. I only had water and fresh squeezed juice the entire time. The psychological benefits are invaluable. I had no fear or anxiety and it allowed me to be at peace. Something I'm not very used to. It also helped tremendously with back pain from a car accident and TMJ pain. I feel I would of been cured completely if I went longer. Fasting was highly beneficial for me and I am planning a longer one soon.

Biochemistry of fasting: http://www.ann.com.au/MedSci/fasting.htm
Good info on fasting: http://falconblanco.com/health/fasting.htm

I'm now back to my usual routine and my anxiety/fear is back. Though I think it is impossible not to have some sort of anxiety in this society, especially with the current state of the world so nothing abnormal in my eyes. It's just incredible how as soon as I started eating I had a major shift in reality and vice versa.

Thanks for the links. I'm

Thanks for the links. I'm even more motivated to try. I'm not sure when would be an ideal time to start. My life is pretty hectic and not really suitable for this. I'll have to adapt and get a bit creative. Does the juice have to be fresh squeezed versus a store bought just-juice product? Can I take a vitamin or am I better off taking nothing? That part about protein intake and resulting death doesn't sound fun.

Before reading I was thinking how I feel best when going a long time between meals. I'm a snacker. I'm not really meant to eat the way we do. When I travel I'm too busy to eat. I snack, yet lose weight. In the morning I can go a long time before eating.

I was thinking we get pushed to eat breakfast for control reasons and sure enough "[f]asting decreases dependency on authorities" appears in the second link.

If you have high stress

If you have high stress levels I wouldn't recommend fasting for longer than a week (or at all depending on the severity) unless you are able to take time off of your normal schedule and fast in peace. It must be fresh squeezed juice because any store bought juice will be processed and does more harm than good. An exception would be getting fresh juice from a juice bar. It's not necessary to take a vitamin since your body has plenty of nutrients stored in your body that it can utilize. If you drink juice make sure you are drinking water with it as well. Juicing or not it's important to drink enough water (half your body weight in ounces).

Breaking the fast is where you need to be careful. It will be tempting after your fast to go out and have a big meal. Your stomach will not be used to this high intake of food and it will certainly react badly to foods high in fat or sodium. Stick with fruits and raw vegetables. Eating one banana to break a fast can be enough to fill you up.

I feel best going long periods between meals too, even if I'm really hungry. Eventually that hunger phase passes and I usually feel much better than right after eating something. I strongly believe in the healing power of fasting after my first experience.

You might want to look into the different fasting cycles. Some people will fast 1 day each week. I haven't looking into the benefits of this style of fasting but I'm sure it's different since that's not enough time for your body to reach the stage of ketosis.

I thought you might say that.

[quote=Blossom]If you have high stress levels I wouldn't recommend fasting for longer than a week (or at all depending on the severity) unless you are able to take time off of your normal schedule and fast in peace. It must be fresh squeezed juice because any store bought juice will be processed and does more harm than good. An exception would be getting fresh juice from a juice bar. It's not necessary to take a vitamin since your body has plenty of nutrients stored in your body that it can utilize. If you drink juice make sure you are drinking water with it as well. Juicing or not it's important to drink enough water (half your body weight in ounces). [/quote]

I thought you might say that. I have ketosis strips somewhere (might be expired). Fresh squeezed juice is not a realistic option for me. Maybe now and then but not all the time everyday. I've gotten away from juice and don't want to go back to it anyway. I wonder how many days I can go with just water. I've never tried that. Complete fasting for about 25 hours has gotten easier over the years. I usually eat a decent meal beforehand. That is probably not a good idea for an extended fast. I'd also have to be much more careful breaking the fast once it gets into multiple days. I might try going 24-72 hours with just water, naturally flavored seltzer (carbonation is invigorating...it can be like caffeine for me), or lemon juice in water. I'm going to have to drink a lot. I'm fine with that. I'll stop when I feel continuously week or anything else seems too extreme. I'd rather do it mid-week and be energized on the weekend. Zombies can go to class as long as I use mouthwash. Can I chew gum?

I was just thinking today that I've always eaten too fast no matter what I try. It doesn't help that I'm always in a rush. It isn't surprising then that my favorite foods have to be eaten slower, e.g., salad. Then I came across the text below. I see many parallels to the PMO reboot. We're over stimulated by food. It can never be enough because we don't even enjoy it. We are rushing for fullness like rushing for O. We've become fullness driven. We need karezza-style eating where there is no goal of fullness and we can savor the delicious food. Marnia...you can write part II: Food's Poisoned Arrow.
True hunger

No matter how long you had intended to fast, true hunger is the trigger to end a fast. Among water fasters, the term "true hunger" is used to denote the body's request to end the fast and begin taking food.

To deny food when true hunger has signaled is to begin the act of starvation. The body is telling you it now needs outside nutrition as it has depleted its reserves, or its ability to rely on those reserves. If it has been operating in the state of ketosis, it is telling you it no longer can safely.

True hunger is a sensation in the mouth and throat, similar to thirst, and not a gnawing pain in the stomach. The way it will get your attention is that comes after many days of experiencing no hunger. Seemingly out of the blue, you'll have an intense desire for food.

When food is taken at this point, it tastes extraordinarily wonderful, a real sensual treat. And the act of eating itself is fulfilling, creating feelings of contentment and pleasure. This is the experience eating is supposed to be.

Having once experienced this "true hunger", you will no longer confuse it with the emotional desire or physical discomfort we usually associate with hunger. Such physical "hunger pains" felt either in the stomach, or as "hunger headaches", are said to actually be withdrawal and detox symptoms from rich foods, chemicals, and stimulants.

The reason they go away when you eat something is because you have stopped the cleansing detox as your body must once again put its energy into digestion and assimilation.

After fasting, when you've returned to a regular (but healthier) diet, you'll be able to tell when you are truly hungry, experiencing "real hunger", versus when you just think you're hungry because you feel like eating.



I kinda think that's *your* writing assignment. Wink

But you're right that it's the same mechanism in the brain and that there are very close parallels.

Wish I had started

learning about such practices at your age. Smile I'm glad you can see some benefits already. I think you'll find that you have to "make friends" with your sexual energy as part of your new adventure. You have to respect it, but not fear it. Remember, the goal is balance...and finding what that means for you will teach you a lot about yourself and empower you.

I also hope you'll be moderate with the fasting. The institute where Gary and I met had an instructor or two who promoted rigid diet ideas, and they sometimes threw people into eating disorders. Even though a little can be very good...more is not necessarily better.

Keep us posted. It's great hearing about your experience.

I will have to experiment

I will have to experiment with it. I think I will go at least a month to see how I'm doing. I'm at 2 weeks now

This girl that works at the place I usually get breakfast from was showing a lot of interest. We had some flirty eye contact previously and this time she said "you look very familiar". Unfortunately I'm most vulnerable in the mornings and least confident, especially when I've been on an empty stomach for an hour since waking up. She walked around the kitchen then while I was ordering with another lady I felt her looking at me so I looked at her and we both smiled. I wish I could of talked to her more but she was busy working and moving around the kitchen. I'm confident she would give me her number if I asked I just don't know how to approach it in a busy working environment.

While waiting for my food I have time to talk to the cooks, one of which I speak with frequently. I've thought of using him to get her number or give her mine but it seems kind of lame. Then at the same time if I asked while she was taking my order with people behind me it seems unprofessional.

I'm just over-analytical and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Ask her

if she wants to take a walk on her break some time. If so, you can just stroll around the block and get to know each other a bit. If she doesn't, that answers your question. She may just enjoy flirting...just as you should. It's healthy!:-)

Good idea but I'm usually

Good idea but I'm usually rushing to work. I'm so aggravated with myself. I feel like I'm passing up so many opportunities. I went to a show this weekend and this girl stood right in front of me playing with her, making seductive eye contact.. every signal possible and I couldn't do anything but look at her. She was practically begging for me to say something to her until she got fed up after a few minutes and moved on. Then later on into the show another girl kept sending me signals which I didn't do anything. Then outside after the show yet another girl kept sending me signals to which I ignored. That's 3 strikes in one night. I felt terrible.

I believe I can owe this seemingly extra attention from females to abstaining and it's great but I feel bad at the same time when I don't take any action. How pathetic...

I don't know why I can't just react positively and say something. It's almost a feeling of guilt and unworthiness when someone is showing interest in me, making it impossible to gain momentum. This is my greatest weakness in life and I must overcome it. I'm confident I can do anything else. Climbing mount everest, running a marathon, or even surviving in the wilderness don't seem nearly as difficult.

Don't worry

You're just picking your moment. Let your inner strength build up and you'll flow right over this obstacle. It's not insurmountable.

Start by smiling back in a really friendly way and think clearly, "I'd really LIKE to talk with you!" She may just get the signal and speak with you first!