Submitted by Kalakairos on
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My loving, adorable boyfriend was addicted to porn when we met but quickly replaced porn with me.

Then when I started to feel scared of being used and hurt that he wasn't getting to know me as a person, I tried to put the brakes on his constant demand for sex. I brought Karezza into the picture and he quickly became frustrated with the idea of touching me without sex, not to mention sex with no orgasm.

He says he hates Karezza now for ruining our "perfect" relationship. Which for me had been quickly turning into a nightmare actually, but he always ignores me when I say that. His idea of perfect is unlimited great sex all the time.

I am so depressed. I like art, music, dancing, mountain climbing, travel...but actually none of that made any impression on him...there was only one thing on his mind.

Not to mention that I feel repulsed and wounded by his need to constantly fantasize about women in the store where he works and of course pornography.

Now, I am far away from him and although we both are still in love this rift continues to break both of our hearts. I am on the verge of extinguishing what I thought was going to be the love of my life. I wish he would read what people post here on this forum but he blames Karezza for our problems and it's not remotely likely.

I miss my sweetheart!

Sorry

I am so sorry for your loss.
I wounded my wife in that way for over 30 years. Many wonderful things have come from our marriage but it has been a struggle. Because of Marnia I'm trying to give up my selfishness, sense of entitlement to sex and affection, and narcissism. I would not have even come close without giving up masturbation and quest for orgasm. If he's using, he's not growing. Do you want to be dealing with this for the next 30 years?
Hold strong for the love and respect you deserve.

Your sweetheart

It's so hard to miss someone, but the fact that he wasn't interested in any of your interests makes it hard to imagine that it was/is a relationship of mutual love and respect.

I'm talking like an old jaded lady here, but I just know you could find someone who adores *all* the things about you, including your desire for Karezza.

rediscovered

It's hard for

someone to realize that too much sexual stimulation is a problem...until there's a wake-up call via a symptom he really doesn't want: ED, inability to find real women arousing, escalation into truly frightening material or behavior, social anxiety, inability to concentrate, etc. And that assumes the person is able to make the connection between the cause and the symptom, which isn't easy to do today. Even doctors are treating the symptoms of over-stimulation as if they were separate diseases. *sigh*

The only good news is that today's Internet porn is becoming more extreme at such a rapid pace that many men are only needing a few years to see unwanted effects. That is how they will turn themselves around in the end.

Meanwhile, the addict who thinks he's getting plenty of his "fix" just keeps going without realizing his brain is growing less sensitive. Tragic, but in a sense he's just doing what his genes evolved to urge him to do..."going for" sexual cues. His genes didn't evolve to help him discriminate well in the face of particularly intense stimuli.

Maybe the seed you've planted will bear fruit in the future. Try to leave the door open. The Divine sometimes arranges wake-up calls sooner than expected.

*big hug*

Whew

Thanks everyone. AC- it's great to hear the male perspective from the "other side". I need the encouragement to hold out for what I really want.

It's true that I didn't feel respected. I started to see put-downs like "you're too smart for your own good" as the voice of sex addiction saying "don't involve me in a conversation interesting enough to distract me from my single minded pursuit of orgasm".

Marnia, he already has extreme social anxiety and inability to concentrate. Although due to his worship of the orgasm high, any word said against it is a sin in his "church". So he won't even consider that these problems are linked. And even if he did ponder it, he might consider it worth the price.

He also thinks that Karezza is something that only men over 50 with no sex drive should try. He is 32.

The scary part is realizing that negative beliefs like that are what start to drag me into his out of control world - if I listen to him at all, he starts to take over how I see the world. He thinks how he is is "normal" - not realizing how freakish it is to me to sit in a dark house for a whole day because you can't handle going outside and interacting with people.

Men threaten him and make him jealous, and women are sex objects. Not exactly a walk on Sesame Street. I didn't say it to him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I never felt as isolated and bored as I did in the time we were together.

M

You have done right

You have done the right thing by getting far away from him. Stay far away until he can appreciate you in all your beauty and not just for the great sex. Sex is the cement that bonds us together, but there has to be something for the cement to stick to. And he will soon become bored with the sex you are giving him and will search elsewhere for new excitements.

I am attempting to turn my back on a long period of porn/masturbation/orgasm and to adopt karezza. The improvement in my love and respect for my wife has been dramatic and our relationship has been renewed.

Get out and enjoy your other interests and see what new relationships are revealed to you.

What is it you love about him?

well...

When we first got together he was very supportive of me having independent opinions and thought provoking ideas. He is a good listener. He is sweet and gentle and sensitive. He's really smart. He is generous and hardworking and loyal.

It's only later when our physical relationship started that things began to snowball...things were OK at first, but it got to a point where if I wanted to interact differently he felt hurt and rejected or angry because he felt entitled to have what he wanted. It got to a point where the sexual relationship was oppressive. I remember the exact moment when he started making up things in order to control me - he accused me of tricking him into Karezza and deceiving him, and I had to remind him that I had told him I wanted to practice Karezza in our relationship before we had ever touched each other - and since then he has made a regular practice of fabricating stories in order to control my behavior.

I attributed it to his brain chemistry becoming addicted to orgasm, and I tried to stop the cycle...he blamed me or Karezza for blocking access to his perfect drug, saying that I had been "brainwashed" by a "cult". I tried to point out that this is why people call it addiction "drug abuse" - because you don't take responsibility for whatever unkindnesses or lies you perpetrate to get your fix, you just blame the drug that you "need".

Obviously it's difficult to say no not just because you're afraid of losing the person, but because the addiction sets in. I meditate and practice Yoga, so it was much easier for me than for him to separate from that irrational part of my brain that wanted to just let the addiction take its course. Predictably, he never followed through on his intentions to meditate or do yoga with me...it seemed that subconsciously he knew it would dissolve his addiction and refused to let that happen.

*sigh*

Actually, I think you are right that a lot of his shortsightedness IS due to the overstimulation itself, and not to any "calculated acts" on his part.

I suppose he would blow a gasket if you suggested he read this post: "Was the Cowardly Lion Just Masturbating Too Much?" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201001/was-the... Just a few days ago, an 18-year old posted a very touching story there (last page of comments). Here are some parts of it:

FINALLY!!!!! After hours of searching the net, this is the first article I've found that directly relates to my experiences.
I've been a compulsive masturbator for about a year now and I can confirm every single one of the things that you mentioned in your article. From the severe, sometimes unbearable social anxiety to the problems with concentration. It's because of this rarely documented addiction that I screwed up my first of year Uni (pretty much failed all my subjects) and I can barely walk down a street without hyperventilating. But I'm really pleased to find out that there's hope at the end of the tunnel. Those recovering users stories are so inspirational, I can barely believe I was able to find them. There's not much more hope that can be provided to people going through the ordeals of addictionsn then the encouraging words of those who've been able to beat them.
...
Also, I'm 18 and still living at home so my parents are really worried about me. Especially after my Uni results came back and the fact that I find it unbearable to go to my part time job as a cashier at a supermarket (which is a pretty socially demanding job). So anyway, they took me to this crazy psychiatrist who literally, after listening to me for 10 minutes, diagnosed me with BIPOLAR TYPE 2 and started talking about how I have to take a bunch of pills.

I told him about my porn and masturbation problem and the old (like you were talking about before)fool didn't believe that it would have any sort of an affect on me. Probably because it wasn't written anywhere in his petty, damn books.

My point is, when people have got a problem like this, don't go running to PSYCHIATRISTS who are going to shove a bunch of pills down your throat for no good reason.

I honestly feel for people that are, or have, been going through the same issues as me because it's not well documented and it's not written in 'Psychiatry 101- an idiots guide to shoving pills down a human beings throat'. So, im sure they get misdiagnosed and end up living decades of their one and only life in idleness, not knowing that the roots of their problems is all from this consuming addiction.

Maybe by hearing that others notice significant improvements in the symptoms he's experiencing when they leave porn behind he'll get motivated. (Here are pages of benefits people have noticed: http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.BENEFITS.pdf)

But it won't happen till he's ready, and it's not your job to get him ready. Sad

I really feel for you. It's so heart-rending to see our beautiful men trapped in something that is actually decreasing their pleasure in the end, by making their brains less sensitive (with all the other unpleasant symptoms that follow from those brain changes). Makes you feel like Prince Charming with a Sleeping Beauty who's on quaaludes.

Who are your friends?

It seems that he may not be your friend. It is good to commune/converse with people who appreciate and love you, people who are great friends. So try developing friendships and maybe something intimate might develop with someone who really cares about you and likes you as you are.

From my male perspective

From my male perspective women are radiant goddesses, designed and built to be adored, worshiped, and honored. As perfection would have it, us men are likewise built to adore, worship, and honor. Karezza style lovemaking is the idea platform to foster this divine play between men and women.

Unfortunately in conventional style sex men seems to get absorbed in there own experience rather than the shared one. Its as if the man gets lost in adoring his own penis rather than using it as a tool to adore with. I assume this is effects of the dopamine stupor rather than the oxytocin warmth.

I applaud your commitment to your worth as a woman., as hard and painful as I can feel it as been. Us men need to see and know the incredible gift we are given when a woman welcomes us into her life and into her body. It remains to be seen if this particular man can do this. I wish for you a man who can, whether it be this one or another. You deserve it.

I think you deserve more

Kalakairos, he is where he is on his journey and there is nothing wrong with that. That said, what he felt for you and you for him, is not love in my humble opinion. He is addicted to sex, and you are addicted to being used and disrespected. If relationship is not mutually nurturing and satisfying(or at least going that direction), then there is no love.
What you can do is to find anyway you can growing love toward yourself(and others as a byproduct) -any kind of emotional exercises like EFT, LNP, Sedona method, Abraham-Hicks processes, hypnosis and self-hypnosis, meditation. What can help you a lot with getting him out of your head, is to write down all of his negative aspects, and reread them whenever you think about him(because we tend to idealize people after the break up). You can also use swish pattern - just get any book about LNP. These things work very well(I know from experience), although you might have to do them at first every day, and then occasionally, if the feeling comes back. And yes, he might change, and he might not. More important thing here - will you change -if not, you will keep attracting the same situation with the same or different people again and again.
Good luck!