So, I stumbled across this site maybe 6-8 months ago and was completely blown away with how it described my behavioral patterns with respect to pornography, right down to the real-life impotency with women and gay porn/transsexual escalation (granted, I may be bisexual and I am ok with that, I don't feel really that I am in a mentally stable enough position to place a label on my sexuality so I will leave it at that and not worry about it).
The twist is, well there are two. Firstly, while growing up I became morbidly obese. By sophomore year of high school I was ~350 lbs and grew to 410 or so at my largest. I realized at some point that I would die from either suicide or health complications, sooner rather than later, if I did not take action fast. At 24 I became militant about weightloss and in just under two years I dropped my weight down to 240 lbs via diet and exercise. The point of this is, I had minimal sexual (of any kind) contact with the opposite sex until I was nearly 26, so my only sexual activity from about 13-25 was pornography (thankfully, I was wise enough to realize that women are not objects as they are treated in porn and this never presented a problem for me). The thing about extreme rapid fat loss is that all sorts of hormones and wonderful chemicals are stored in your fat cells. When you burn these fat cells those hormones are then released into your blood stream and subsequently processed by the body. This does things to your mind that I really cannot even begin to describe in short order, so in the interest of time I will leave them out for now.
The second twise: I am prescribed an amphetamine based ADHD medication and for the longest time I attributed my ED to that and for a while I believed it (although the transsexual/gay pornography made me think I was gay for the longest time). It wasn't until one day I decided to masturbate thinking about my then girlfriend without the aid of porn, off my meds, and I couldn't do it. I opened up my laptop, fired up some porn sites (images of women at first, then quickly moving into video, then weirder and weirder videos and voila, arousal). That was over a year ago. I've since come to notice and realize just how crippling this medication can be when already faced with a prior addiction. The medication I am on (adderall, in case anyone was wondering) works on dopamine/norepinepherine receptors and directly manipulates your reward circuitry. Therefore any stimulus you find pleasing is intensified a hundred-fold, making partaking in these activities compulsory. This goes for anything, caffeine, nicotine, porn, etc... My problem lies in the fact that I cannot function without adderall, I feel as though I am in a fog and concentration is impossible. What really messes with my head is when I think about if that is actually true, or is it my probable addiction to an extremely addictive drug.
Within the past 8 months or so I have found myself binging on porn, staying up all night with 15+ tabs open to random videos and watching them sequentially. It is destroying my life and I must do something. I am currently in a long-distance relationship, we have had sex around 6 or 7 times (I did not orgasm any of these times and on a few occasions could not achieve an erection). The long distance relationship is sort of a curse and a blessing. In that I mean, the periods of not seeing her will allow me to abstain from almost all sexual activity; however, the pressure put on me to perform in person is magnified in light of our separation.
Anyhow, I know I have the will-power to conquer this. I have already achieved things of a similar scale in the past with losing weight and for the most part keeping all of it off. However, like with any addiction, getting started is the hardest part and I feel like the nature of my medication will prove to be the most difficult part of the ordeal. I am glad I remembered saving a bookmark to this website so long ago. I hope that in the likely difficult short-term future it can provide me with some piece-of-mind, even if it is temporary why I try to kick this habit.
Thanks for reading all of this, I didn't expect it to wind up this long.