attached to porn with a twist

Submitted by kauffee on
Printer-friendly version

So, I stumbled across this site maybe 6-8 months ago and was completely blown away with how it described my behavioral patterns with respect to pornography, right down to the real-life impotency with women and gay porn/transsexual escalation (granted, I may be bisexual and I am ok with that, I don't feel really that I am in a mentally stable enough position to place a label on my sexuality so I will leave it at that and not worry about it).

The twist is, well there are two. Firstly, while growing up I became morbidly obese. By sophomore year of high school I was ~350 lbs and grew to 410 or so at my largest. I realized at some point that I would die from either suicide or health complications, sooner rather than later, if I did not take action fast. At 24 I became militant about weightloss and in just under two years I dropped my weight down to 240 lbs via diet and exercise. The point of this is, I had minimal sexual (of any kind) contact with the opposite sex until I was nearly 26, so my only sexual activity from about 13-25 was pornography (thankfully, I was wise enough to realize that women are not objects as they are treated in porn and this never presented a problem for me). The thing about extreme rapid fat loss is that all sorts of hormones and wonderful chemicals are stored in your fat cells. When you burn these fat cells those hormones are then released into your blood stream and subsequently processed by the body. This does things to your mind that I really cannot even begin to describe in short order, so in the interest of time I will leave them out for now.

The second twise: I am prescribed an amphetamine based ADHD medication and for the longest time I attributed my ED to that and for a while I believed it (although the transsexual/gay pornography made me think I was gay for the longest time). It wasn't until one day I decided to masturbate thinking about my then girlfriend without the aid of porn, off my meds, and I couldn't do it. I opened up my laptop, fired up some porn sites (images of women at first, then quickly moving into video, then weirder and weirder videos and voila, arousal). That was over a year ago. I've since come to notice and realize just how crippling this medication can be when already faced with a prior addiction. The medication I am on (adderall, in case anyone was wondering) works on dopamine/norepinepherine receptors and directly manipulates your reward circuitry. Therefore any stimulus you find pleasing is intensified a hundred-fold, making partaking in these activities compulsory. This goes for anything, caffeine, nicotine, porn, etc... My problem lies in the fact that I cannot function without adderall, I feel as though I am in a fog and concentration is impossible. What really messes with my head is when I think about if that is actually true, or is it my probable addiction to an extremely addictive drug.

Within the past 8 months or so I have found myself binging on porn, staying up all night with 15+ tabs open to random videos and watching them sequentially. It is destroying my life and I must do something. I am currently in a long-distance relationship, we have had sex around 6 or 7 times (I did not orgasm any of these times and on a few occasions could not achieve an erection). The long distance relationship is sort of a curse and a blessing. In that I mean, the periods of not seeing her will allow me to abstain from almost all sexual activity; however, the pressure put on me to perform in person is magnified in light of our separation.

Anyhow, I know I have the will-power to conquer this. I have already achieved things of a similar scale in the past with losing weight and for the most part keeping all of it off. However, like with any addiction, getting started is the hardest part and I feel like the nature of my medication will prove to be the most difficult part of the ordeal. I am glad I remembered saving a bookmark to this website so long ago. I hope that in the likely difficult short-term future it can provide me with some piece-of-mind, even if it is temporary why I try to kick this habit.

Thanks for reading all of this, I didn't expect it to wind up this long.

Hi Kauffee

Thanks for sharing your story. Just the other night Gary and I were watching a documentary about adderall, and got to talking about how today's superstimulating porn would interact with adderall. We couldn't come up with a pretty picture. Smile Frankly, given that people's concentration tends to improve when they leave porn behind, I started wondering if the "need" for adderall is being fueled in many people by the low dopamine receptors that follow overstimulation.

But however you enter the loop, it's a tough one to escape.

I'm glad you have a relationship. That's good. And noticing how the escalation is working is very important. You're not at the mercy of bad luck. You can actually do things to pull yourself toward balance (whatever that looks like for you).

Have you checked out the porn wiki? Are you open to meditating daily? Trying hypnosis (make your own recording)? Exercising regularly? All these things can help regulate your brain and your mood. Are you going to try cold turkey with getting off of the porn? If so, do you have a porn blocker? K9 is free....

You sound like a really courageous guy. You're enabled to start a blog. Let us know how you get on. Good luck.

*big hug*

Thanks Marnia. I would like

Thanks Marnia.

I would like to say up front that adderall (and indeed most stimulant medications) is a terrible drug. One that I struggle with daily usually, the hold it can exert over you is astonishingly strong. I am a college student who was originally interested in psychology and behavior and like most people who want to become psychologists it likely stemmed from my desire to better understand what the hell was going on in my brain moreso than anything else. So in that respect I am usually very adamant about analyzing my own behavior. The problem is always the same, seeing the forest for the trees can be a difficult task, especially when you start talking about the inner workings of your mind, haha. I remember making the dopamine connection with adderall and porn immediately the first time I stumbled across this site. The thing that's really gotten me intrigued since my revisit today/yesterday is that perhaps many of my ADHD related symptoms could actually be partially attributed to years of porn-viewing behavior (the symptoms being: brain fog, which is present off meds and sometimes on; as well as, past episodes of sexual anxiety, which in turn proved to create massive levels of social anxiety). I don't know how I feel about that being a possibility, because the past few years have been a definite struggle and if it's been over something so... seemingly trivial I would be pretty angry with myself; however, it's a conflicting notion in that, on one end normal functionality and freedom from amphetamines is very exciting/appealing, as is the idea that I might actually have found the resolution or explanation I've so desperately been seeking over the past 3 years. Luckily, I've overcome the body image, depression and social anxiety I had in the past after losing the weight, as I think dealing with this issue plus those would simply be way too much to handle.

I will likely try quitting porn cold turkey, either that or with some sort of moderation. I am a firm believer in moderation, which is odd given I am on a forum talking about multiple addictions, haha. However, my "diet" when losing weight was not a diet per se, it was self control and learning to control cues from my body. If I wanted a cookie, I ate a cookie but I did not eat 14 like I would have in the past, etc... With respect to that I will not be installing a porn blocker. I think that might prove more damning than not having one as it would make the act seem more taboo. I don't like when people tell me I cannot do something (even more when it's myself doing the telling), this doesn't mean I am going to do it. It's more of the principle. While not a deciding factor on my weight loss, a doctor told me once that I could not lose weight without under going surgery or other such drastic measures. Needless to say, I like going back there now, haha. :D

It's arguable that the gut has every bit as much influence over behavior as the brain (as significant quantaties of dopamine, seratonin, norepinephrine are found in the gut), so in that regard this exercise should be fundamentally similar to my previous experience with breaking addiction. The real hurdle I feel is going to be trying to do this while juggling an already demanding drug such as adderall. It's a dicey situation, in one respect if I try going off adderall, my performance in class will falter and dealing with amphetamine withdrawal on top of masturbatory withdrawal seems like an unimaginable stress load. Yet if I remain on adderall, it tends to be synergistic with my brains desire to binge on porn and indeed most, if not all, of my porn binges include adderall misuse. It's not even an conscious behavior either, I do it without thinking about it.

When I was whale-fat I thought losing the weight would make me instantly happy. When this did not happen I instantly realized that my being obese was only the beginning of a very large uphill battle. With each problem I overcome there is another, more fundamental one underlying it. The progression of this up until now has looked something like:

??? (root causes, I have many guesses but who knows for certain) -> Obesity -> Severe Depression -> Weight loss -> Body Dysmorphic Disorder + Depression + Major Social Anxiety -> Adderall -> First Girlfriend -> Sexual Anxiety (i.e. questioning sexuality, ED, etc..) + Social Anxiety -> I Got Friends! + Dated / Hooked Up with Multiple People (ED occured with almost all, unless I was off Adderall, but it was still difficult) -> Now -> First Actually Defined Relationship

and so on.. Sorry if this is all TMI, I always feels as though it helps me to write these things out so I tend to ramble on about it. I will keep this thread updated and I have also told my girlfriend my intentions. She was nothing short of enthusiastic and supportive, afterall she has just as much to gain from a healthier (and harder, lol) me as I do.

And something from your post that I wanted to address, but can't really decide where to put it is, I am hoping this entire ordeal will lead to an increase in health across the board and not solely psychologically. Now that I will no longer be spending 9 hours at a time masturbating multiple nights a week I will be able to exercise more, etc...

You'll work it out

if you're patient. It will be really exciting if getting off of porn helps you increase your balance.

About K9, I understand your reasoning, but if you find you slip back, reconsider. There's no harm in using a temporary crutch while you're in the throes of withdrawal. You can drop it as soon as you don't need it. I hear over and over again from people who weren't using it...and then DO use it...that it makes all the difference when you're under stress.

Porn is different from food. When you were losing weight, I bet you didn't buy a lot of tempting foods and keep them around the house. With porn...it's always there...and when stress hits....

Yeah, people here get quite psyched about all the things they can do in their lives with that free time and increased energy. I hope that is so for you, too. Smile

Welcome!

This is probably the best site there is for porn recovery. Absolutely awesome community!

I can feel identified with the transsexual escalation and the 15 tabs opened compulsive behavior. I've been there.

I can also identify with the "I can't get hard thinking about regular women but I do get rock hard when I watch my favorite porn genre".

Porn messes up your brain man.

The good news is that it is reversible.

The bad news is that it will take time and you have to become militant about it just like you did with your fat loss.

To me, not being able to be hard and aroused when having sex with real women is strong enough motivation to stop watching porn.

I recommend you read this: http://www.reuniting.info/node/4660

It's probably one of the most useful posts around here.

Wink

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Thanks for the warm welcome. :)
I'll give that thread a read tonight. As as far as militantism is concerned, it's a quite hard to do. Finding motivation to keep it going can be a major problem. When losing weight it wasn't an issue, as I simply was doing it for survival (both from medical complications as well as suicide). For motivation keeping the weight off I used the self-hatred that built up after I'd lost the weight and realized it didn't fix anything other than my risk for heart disease. I think my problem in the past with dealing with porn is that A) I never viewed it as bad and B) I never had a motivator as strong as the two I mentioned above. Yes being able to have sex with women is nice, but sex isn't overly important to me in the grand scheme of things. However, the discoveries I've sort of made within the past day are alluring. The promise of finally getting to the bottom of and sorting out what has likely caused a significant amount of my stress, depression and anxiety over the past decade is a much stronger source of motivation for me. One that I feel is strong enough.

Anyhow, cheers again for the welcome!