I'm all too familiar with the two week mark. 6-8 weeks has eluded me. I've done a month or so a few times. I'm wondering what happens out there in my future. I'm going to get there despite it being tough at times lately physically due to feeling full and sensitive and otherwise due to life. I'm soft targeting the end of the year which I think will be about 8 weeks (I'm not counting or checking at the moment). If I survive finals, I'll have a decent chance. I'm trying to just be and by being get going.
I'm enjoying monitoring myself a little too much. It is like there is a separate part of my brain that is watching the movie of me unfold. It is fascinating how I react to the goings on of life. There is a duality of the normal reaction and the little watcher who throws in his two sense just to mix me up. At the moment, I'm taking a lot of flack for wanting to be me. It is amazing how people can love me and yet not value me being me. They are too focused on the old me. Maybe that me did die on January 1. It feels emotionally weird to write that...sad, scary, and yet freeing because if the old me is gone a new me must come forth. I feel like I'm going sane and express that to people even though that must just feed their "he's nuts" view. It's ok. If this is nuts, so be it. I've noticed when I discuss things with people lately they go from thinking "nuts" at first to "makes sense." Something must be clicking somewhere in my head. I sort of wish I'd be comfortable enough just talking about all that has gone on in my life with PMO. It would make expressing everything else much easier. I have to go through mental gymnastics at times with people. Maybe this would be the perk of trying some form of AA meeting. I could get it out a bit. After finals, I'm going to get busy on several of these delayed things to try. Even with a therapist I'm not comfortable explaining this all. I think the possibly questionable science aspect holds me back there...maybe fear of being shamed too.
I hope everyone stays as balanced as they can until the end of the year. No need to count now. We should have end of the year resolutions to counter the nonsense of doomed new year's ones. Anyway, on this Thanksgiving (belatedly due to my lingering old forced life in which I had a paper due) I'm very thankful to have lived to begin this journey to wherever. The journey has given much meaning to my life and I'm sure will continue to lead me somewhere better than I've been. Life does not feel wasted and I'm more alive than I've been in a long time. You're all amazing people. Don't let anyone look down on you for your past. Their just afraid to consider changing. They are the ones that led us and kept us in our old paradigm.