5 months

Submitted by cyberbob82 on
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So it's been 5 months (or roughly 20 weeks) since I've last looked at porn. Here's what's been happening.

In the last two weeks I've had sex with 3 different girls and enjoyed every minute of it. No performance issues. I've been making an effort just to enjoy the experience and not place any expectations upon myself or the girl, with great results. I had a big chat with a friend of mind recently, during which I opened up to him about a bunch of things and it kinda made me realise that a lot of my concerns about sex were just not even worth worrying about. I'm also totally unconcerned about presence/abscense of morning wood now. I've realised that a lot of the time I just miss it cause I wake up to an alarm every morning. I have woken up at night with very hard erections though, so the wood is there, just not always in the morning when I wake.

One concept I've had to let go of is the whole "playa" thing. As a younger, more easily influenced male who watched a lot of porn, I kind of fell into this trap of seeing women as objects or commodities in a way. The problem with this, beyond the obvious maltreatment of women is that it makes men measure themselves using women as a way of keeping score. This is ultimately not fulfilling. I don't care about that crap anymore. I don't care about "getting laid". Been there, done that. Not all it's cracked up to be. What I'm looking for now is a good connection with a nice cool girl and I'm prepared to wait for that. The other funny thing I've noticed is that, the less I care about chasing women, the more I attract women and the more they attract me.

I've really been getting into salsa dancing lately with more classes, private lessons and social dancing. I've heard it said that dancers make better lovers and I used to scoff at the idea, but now I can see some logic to it (and no I'm not being paid to say that :-p). Dancing, specifically partner dancing, creates a lead/follow dynamic between (usually) the man and the woman. As a man it makes you take control, not in a domineering way, but a more subtle, gentle way where you have to really focus on the connection with your partner and the signals that you're giving her and the signals that she's giving back. A lot of this can be applied to sex and this has been the missing part of sex for me until quite recently. Also, social salsa dancing is all about experimenting and having fun and freestyling and not worrying too much about dancing perfectly. Sure you need a certain amount of technique, but the really important thing is connecting and having fun. That's where the magic is.

Another thing I've realised is the extent to which our bodies adapt to just about any stimulus we throw at it. We have to be careful though not to overdo overexposure or underexposure to various stimulus. Take exposure to sunlight for example. Too little and our bodies are starved of vitamin D, which we need. Too much and our skin burns, which can lead to skin cancer. The right amount leads to a healthy tan. Same goes for exercize. Too little exercize and our muscles turn to jelly. Too much and you can sprain/strain your muscles. The right amount should cause healthy muscle tissue growth. The trick is to find the sweet spot.

I would say the same about orgasm. Too little and we get stressed and the "caged monkey" effect kicks in. Too much and we risk addiction and the associated health side effects we've all read about on this site. You need to find the sweet spot. And that's different for everybody. Something else I've realised with sex-drive/orgasm. The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. I noticed that the more I abstained the less horny I was, but as soon as I had an orgasm, I was chasing another one. Our body gathers momentum in either direction. Neither end of the scale is healthy. Everyone has to figure out how to stay in the sweet spot. That's where health and happiness is found. It's all about moderation and balance really.

A friend of my suggested that I consider counseling as well to talk through some of my unresolved issues. I'm actually going to look into this. I had depression from about the age of 14 to about 21-22 and I never had counseling during this time, which is kinda nuts now that I think about it. I felt that I wanted to deal with the problem myself. Maybe it was my man pride taking over. Now I'm a lot more open to the idea. I just have to find a cost-effective option.

Smile

Comments

Great post

You are a wise man. Good luck sorting out those remaining brainworms.

And for making so many women happy...on the dance floor and elsewhere. Wink Sounds like it's making you pretty happy, too!

vote yes on counseling

Made a huge difference in my life. And if you can afford to, do group counseling as well. It's less expensive. But it gives you the opporunity to realize two big things:

(1) Despite what you think, people's perception of you isn't always what you think it is
(2) Despite what you think, your perception of people isn't always that accurate

As for the PMO, I think most counselors would be pretty ok with porn and masturbation...UNTIL you tell them that it's affecting your ability to get an erection, or you're living a secret life, or it's affecting your life in some major way. At that point, it's like other addictive behaviors like shopping or gambling, etc. Fine in moderation, but not fine for you because you're addicted.

psychodynamic group counseling

It's usually run by a psychologist (PhD) or an MSW. Essentially the theory is that we all have an unconscious that lurks behind our conscious intentions. And in a group setting, it's easier to trigger your unconscious emotional reactions to people. Perhaps someone in the group constantly pisses you off. Or perhaps you find yourself competing with another person for attention within the group. Or maybe you find yourself constantly doing something else.

It's not bad that you do these things....but it becomes a problem when it's happening out of your awareness.

And so in the safety of a group, you're allowed to *have* your reactions without fear of any real repercussions. Then, within the safe confines of the session, you can examine your reactions and become aware of them.

From that point, you gain a greater ability to stay conscious of your behavior and are in a better place to choose behaviors that are effective and walk away from those habitual reactions you used to have which are self-destructive, or socially ineffective, etc.

Make sense?

I'm guessing finding a good

I'm guessing finding a good group is a lot like finding a good doctor/therapist...one has to find the right match. Did you look for a group centered around a particular topic or objective? I guess therapist know about local groups, but how else can one find them?

counseling

I would encourage this. I think I'm a little older than you and I just started counseling myself. I got lucky and found a good one. He also helped me see (actually assured me) that I have some real addiction issues. I really should have done this 15 years ago.

Perhaps Marnia or Gary can chime in, but in my opinion if the therapist tells you there is nothing wrong with porn and masturbation, you should probably find another.

*shrug*

I s'pose a therapist could have useful insights about lots of things and still have a blind spot about the effects of too much stimulation on the brain. The information is so new that many are just not up to speed yet. They're still relying on what their textbooks said. Smile

Anyway, I'm glad you're pleased with the support you're getting. I really think you're ready for a big breakthrough. It's already happening.

funny thing

"The other funny thing I've noticed is that, the less I care about chasing women, the more I attract women and the more they attract me."

funny how that happens ain't it?