The worse your life is, the more money they make.

Submitted by Kalakairos on
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I recently had a chat with my love who struggles with porn dependency. He has a lot of resistance to Karezza and accused Marnia of making money off of people's problems. I thought that was just grand.

People who make porn love it when his life sucks. The more his relationship with me stinks, the more alone he is, every instance of shame, guilt, self hatred and anger, makes him use more porn. The worse things are, the more money they make. I think that is the most hateful thing I've ever heard of.

why don't men turn this ship of fools around!?

Sounds like

he's feeling a sense of lack from his depleted dopamine nerve cell receptors...and therefore believes people are taking advantage of him. And of course he can't blame the porn makers, because he'd have to look at his porn habit... Wink

it's wierd

My take on it was, that Cupid's Poisoned Arrow was a long awaited fulcrum on which the tide can turn. Please god, it will turn fast.

*giggle*

When we were asked by the publisher to do an update of "Peace," Gary's first question was, "Can we afford to write another book?" Smile And we weren't self-publishing. It's just that the PR, however minute the amount, is totally cost-ineffective.

Just warning you would-be authors out there!

Romance Novel / FanFic = Porn for Women

I can certainly see where someone might be able to create a series of fantasy/sci-fi romance novels that used Karezza-like sex as the normal kind of sex that the people in it had. Sex in Avatar is kind of like that, as an example.

Very few authors make even minimum wage for the time/hours they put into writing their books, so nobody should expect to get rich, but to do it because they love to do it, or feel that it needs to be said.

Quizure

Yes, and

I think we put Struthers up in our "Your Brain On Porn" wiki. I think that director has done a great job, but there's a lot of religious flavor, too, and that can be off-putting for some. Still, I really admire his work.

Thanks

Everyone here has contributed so much. I think it will really be able to help people once it's rolling. We still have a lot of content to "mine" and move, but you guys keep writing such great stuff that I've been kept busy with building pages for a lot of current insights.

In fact, I put up a big chunk of your recent "essay," but I'm too tired to remember where.:-) I just remember it was just too good to let get buried.

*big hug*

I don't know. We're creating

I don't know. We're creating content and you manipulating it and creating some of your own. I don't know of any site offhand that runs as both a forum and a content driven site. It must be possible somehow. You are cherry picking the material and making it fit the form and context of the pages you create. That makes it tougher I guess.

Right

After listening to you guys for 5 years, we have a sense of what you find most helpful.

Everyone there is invited to join this forum. So, ultimately, they get the full picture...not to mention exposure to the very unfamiliar idea of karezza. Smile

New site

We're gradually collecting all the materials that we think can help those who want out of the porn trap here:

www.yourbrainonporn.com

Then we'll slowly erase/redirect the old information it from here. It's a long process.

The "Recent posts" will serve as the forum for both sites.

Awesome Site

Awesome site, Marnia. It makes me happy to see that now, when a young man google searches to find out about porn addiction, he might stumble upon that page instead of some page a priest put up that says you're going to go to hell if you masturbate, haha.

Also, Kalakairos, good point. I hope your man comes around, but I can't blame him for being a bit resistant. It is fairly new territory, and just look at the culture we live in.

Thanks

We've been working very hard and still have many gems of wisdom from you veterans to work into the new site. *pant, pant*

How's it going?

Blame is Lame with a "b"

Thanks Fonz,

It's not about blame. It's about responsibility. Those in love have a responsibility to protect their beloved. Porn puts me in a position of having my body used and my spirit ignored. It puts me in a position of having my heart slowly crushed as I watch my darling lover shrivel up into an old man in his early 30's. It means that I will never be able to abide in faith that our love is true since he uses porn as a way to avoid totally trusting me to protect him if he puts his faith in me.

He understands himself as a man completely well. Being raised by a man, I understand them better than most women. But he doesn't know a thing about the dark side of a woman's life. He doesn't know what a woman needs to thrive. And he doesn't know that if his woman isn't thriving, neither will he.

Is it about blame, to be furious about having to watch helplessly as he destroys us and destroys himself? Nobody changes another person. That person has to choose for themselves. Assigning him responsibility is simply reality. It's totally codependent and sick to think that the control lies elsewhere.

I take it

he's not yet ready to change his ways, eh? Don't hurt yourself. He needs more time to figure it out, and you need whatever you need.

*big hug*

I was struck by this...

"He doesn't know that if his woman isn't thriving, neither will he."

That is the kind of attitude that one has to cultivate against the flow of the majority. Such a shift is not easy especially as our culture pushes more and more men to disconnect from women and all things feminine and to create in us the desire to dominate women instead of share our lives with women as equals. If all institutions in society are reinforcing patriarchy, schools, church, military, sports, government, the media, ect can we not at least say that when one makes an individual choice of behavior that it is easier to make a choice that is mainstream or patriarchal?

That isn't the same as giving him a pass for continuing unacceptable behavior for your committed relationship. Your standards are exactly where they should be for your man and more women should demand accountability for porn use from their man. Compassion for him leads to recognizing that there are powerful forces in place that create conditions that result in him thinking he doesn't have to change or worse that his real interests lie in pursuing the addiction further rather than attempting to reconnect with his true self, away from porn, and by extension with you.

Truly, in a monogamous relationship, freely entered into by both parties the thriving of one is the thriving of both. Hopefully through the fog of whatever he's gotten into he can see this.

Good question Marnia

I know that my gf is aware of my issues and has begun to learn that this issue isn't the kind of thing that one can just snap fingers and be completely porn free overnight. She is still the person with the password to my porn blocker Wink Also, as many times as I've relapsed, she has been the first to know, even when others advised me against telling her. I have nothing to hide anymore, I've become more emotionally available to her than to any previous woman in any relationship. Reading CPA helped me make that a priority and I believe the openness will bring tremendous blessings in our future. Like any couple we are not without our problems but we just celebrated six months and for the majority of the time I was 1.) porn free 2.) actively abstaining from orgasm. These are new ways of being for me.

The point of my post is about understanding the addict. I think my understanding has improved tremendously in this regard. It's about plastic changes to the brain...it doesn't reverse itself in a uniform way but takes a long period of time with new habits. Emphasizing and making special time for bonding behaviors for me really are a pathway to recovering a newer and healthier sexuality. When those bonding sessions are in short supply I find myself craving (and sometimes acting on) old impulses.

Forgiveness is so essential to the process for me. Forgiving myself, while remaining serious and committed to change, comes first. Then forgiveness from her....even if she is inevitably hurt by me telling her about a relapse. Those feelings of shame and guilt...really suck! I'd take withdrawal any day.

I hope you and Gary are well this holiday season! Thanks for paying attention to my ramblings and for accepting me for who I am. That has helped me a tremendous amount and I'm grateful for the sense of solidarity and genuine caring environment you and Gary have created here.

Awesome

You are so smart and are sounding so good and positive.

Being open with your loved one is probably the single most important thing you can do to keep a relationship close and strong. When a person starts hiding things, it can be a death sentence for intimacy.

Keep doing what you are doing and thank you for sharing~

rediscovered

Six months!

That's really great Dano. And you're right that patience is a key part of recovery, whatever route you take.

Hope the new year leads to even more snuggle time. That may be the best solution for future progress.

Thanks for the good wishes and kind words. (That goes out to all of you.)