The frustrations of trying to be social

Submitted by freedom on
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I went to a social event. I had a new wingman to get to know as an added complication. These social scenes are not my thing (yet, maybe never will be). My friends are not single so I figured I'd give this a shot by going with another guy. We got along pretty well. Other than that the socializing was a bit of a disaster. I learned about myself which is good. The venue wasn't right for me. It was too meat locker like. Girls were giving me weird glances. It seems a mix of attraction and curiosity about what was different, but of course I have no idea what they were really thinking. I do know some of the girls viewed all guys as crazy and had to talk to them to check they were normal. That seemed a nice positive attitude.

I assess social interactions in a higher level form of what it does to my energy level. That incorporates things like attraction, but seems to be much more holistic because it lets me see lasting affects and more remote areas of myself. I can feel how this experience wasn't positive both internally and in some externally observable choices such as food selection, mood, and so on. I could feel other's imbalance. I'm still imbalanced, but on the relative scale felt more balanced (~5 weeks now). It felt like by communicating I'd be plugging into an unknown voltage with a high probability that the voltage would be wrong. The chance of havoc would be too risky. Everyone seemed goal driven. I was just looking to chat without excessive superficiality. Any time I tried, it fell flat. The overall vibe kind of made me fearful of trying even with the few girls that I might have had a passing interest in. I get way better energy from girls at school several of whom are always smiling at me. Maybe I was pushing out defenses. Who really knows. I found the whole experience draining. Maybe I'm more environmentally sensitive than others. Even things about the space and setup were getting to me. It's amazing how the little details can really shift perceptions.

My perceptions could be off for several reasons. Finals, other girls, life in general on my mind, and so on. In addition to my religious hangups, I now have new hangups about finding balanced people. I'm trying to span the abyss of the hookup scene by going from the religious hill to the balanced hill. That seems to make things a little harder in terms of finding a mate. Yeah, I could just let experience be the guide for know, but I don't want to fall in and spend time digging my way out. I've spent enough fog time already. At the very least, the female must add energy to my life. That seems like a very fair standard yet one that many females seem to be unable to do for me. The nice thing is when they do boost my energy it is really obvious for me...much more so than subtle things like attraction. And that energy boost stays with me and can be called up just by thinking of them.

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night time is not the right time

Hey man, I feel you. It's 3:30 am on the east coast. I just got back from a night of partying, drinking, and barhopping with my friends. And I had fun. But are these the kind of interactions that fulfill me? No. And were these social interactions so amazing that I wish I could do it again tomorrow night? And Monday night?

No.

It's superficial. That's the bottom line. And yes, I'm comfortable there, but it's not really what I'm looking for.

If you found the experience tiring, you're not alone. Most people do. And that's why most people don't go out and party til 3 am every night of the week, even if they could. The ones that do so habitully only do so because they're not aware of the richness of intimacy and authenticity that's availabe to them anytime. I met a woman tonight who was married for 15 years and recently separated. In the first 6 months of her marriage, her husband had a severe brain injury that changed him completely. She's been an unhappy caregiver for longer than she can remember. With that much life experience, you'd think she'd want to connect and share and hear about my life and my experience.

Instead, she was more interested in making out. Which was fun and fine Wink But honestly, I found her interest in escaping from hurt much less attractive than someone who was just sad and wanted to get to know me. Because, I too understand her sadness in a different way.

There are people with depth out there. It's just difficult to meet them out partying and socializing on a Saturday night, where more people are interested in escaping than connecting.

So yes, I'm drained too :)

JM

I left at about 12. It

I left at about 12. It wasn't a intense party scene. It was mostly a single mingle. I think a lot of these people are single for some of the reasons I used to be. They are in the game which I wasn't, but they aren't really ahead except perhaps in certain experiences. I'm a quick learner. Those experiences are not important to me if there is no meaning behind it. If they were, I'd have gone out and sought them. I've refused to make out with girls even though I would at least gain from more experience. I want to be feeling it, not feeling that this is just the defacto way of thinking progress is being made or that one side is forcing it. It is a catch 22 of sorts, but eventually the sequence will be mutually right. I guess my standards for myself are very high and if anything even higher in balanced mode. Those girls respect me more than if I gave in to their whim which I'm sure most guys would do.

Actual partying can be more fun if you go for the right reasons: you like to dance, drink, and be with friends. There is more entertainment value to observing crazy clubs. That is still superficial, but somehow seems less so in my limited experience.

There is fruitless socializing and draining socializing. It makes no sense that people go out to be drained. How pointless. I don't think most people are aware that it is draining. They enjoy it enough to do it a lot more than me. It might be tiring to get home late and process all the booze, but they don't see it for what it is. This is their porn. I guess I can understand that. Yet, porn never left me feeling like crummy socializing. Perhaps my balanced self would have preferred porn. It seems more honest than going to the trouble to create the superficial world.

Nothing about this event had to be superficial. Each person who showed up had a choice to make. It's their choice that bothers me. Most people seem to favor the superficial even in daily interaction. I'm usually the one asking deeper questions. It sort of sucks because it tends to be a one sided connection. As much as I ask, they don't turn around and ask me anything substantive. I've adapted by pushing data out just to balance things even though it is less gratifying.

pointless

Hey man...you're right. This is their porn.

Even if you never end up getting out to the Authentic Man Program intensive, I think one of the one-night singles programs might be right up your alley.

[quote]Ever notice how difficult it feels to truly reveal your most authentic self? Or connect deeply with a person when that’s all you really want to do?
Join us for a night dedicated to breaking through the barriers of our ‘social masks’ as we playfully explore and practice connecting deeply through revealing our authentic selves. –All in service of creating more exciting, engaging & flourishing relationships!
July 18th’s theme is connection: We’ll be exploring the art of deeply seeing others, and of allowing ourselves to be deeply seen; having fun with the layers of the ‘social masks’ we don consciously and unconsciously. We’ll be diving in to see how honestly and adventurously we can cut to the chase and create deeper connection, in the moment, with the person right in front of you.
Game Night provides you a safe place to take risks and play a little more outside the box in a way that allows you to discover more of yourself and other. It’s a fun way for people to get to know one another — even if you’ve known each other for years. The best part is this is for singles and couples. Meet others who are into juicy relating or meet your current partner in a new way.[/quote]

This is their monthly "Games Night", and it's a night dedicated to meeting new people, old friends, and pushing the bondaries of how deeply we can relate to each other. It's a great time.

Right now these only take place in San Fran and Boulder. But I know they're working on starting them out in NYC over the next year or so.

What do you think?

Hard to say. Activity based

Hard to say. Activity based events can be good depending on the crowd that shows up. Here, they are trying to limit the crowd to those that want or want to try for deeper connection. I would try it. I'm open to trying almost anything.

I think I just tend to be deeper, especially as I become more genuine and aware. I tried to get people to talk about the event they were at. They would shift it to other related issues. Who knew "what do you think of this event so far?" is too deep? I think these girls showed up for eye candy. Most of them were not particularly attractive for me.

I'm trying to figure out why that experience put me in such a crummy mood. I generally have no expectations. I didn't really have any for the event itself. I think I felt let down about myself in the sense that I really wanted to be more social and just wasn't able to. Maybe it was the crowd or maybe something else. Maybe I expected too much at this point based on who I have been and am. It kind of sucks to feel different (doesn't matter whether I actually am). I feel like I should be able to play this game, but can't. Maybe I really don't want to. Maybe I felt crummy have to be be phony for a few hours. In the grand scheme I think it was useful because I was able to access feelings that I don't normally have and gain some insight into my mood and cravings. I was trying to be mindful despite being exhausted which is part of the reason I stayed awake instead of just passing out. I felt like I went in balanced and walked out with a boat anchor on one end of the scale. I have to avoid that or I'm headed back to PMO binge land. I think for me some of the coping mechanism is a reaction to society forcing itself on me and me trying to fit or caving to the pressure to try and then feeling like a failure when I don't fit. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole. I learned to cope to survive the feelings that the blows caused to my genuine self. I don't think it has/had anything to do with females at all. This is why abstaining and staying balanced has been much easier for me once I shifted the focus to being genuine. The genuine me doesn't need to cope because he is enough himself to deal with the minor blows and avoid the major ones.

Keep me posted on an NYC version. I know others that would like this too. They should watch the cost. I'd be less likely to go the more it costs. At a minimum, it should cost less for the first event. Lots of things in NY simply cost too much given one has no idea if they are worth the time, effort, or money.

it's obvious

[quote=freedom]I went to a social event. I had a new wingman to get to know as an added complication. These social scenes are not my thing (yet, maybe never will be). My friends are not single so I figured I'd give this a shot by going with another guy. We got along pretty well. Other than that the socializing was a bit of a disaster. I learned about myself which is good. The venue wasn't right for me. It was too meat locker like. Girls were giving me weird glances. It seems a mix of attraction and curiosity about what was different, but of course I have no idea what they were really thinking. I do know some of the girls viewed all guys as crazy and had to talk to them to check they were normal. That seemed a nice positive attitude.

I assess social interactions in a higher level form of what it does to my energy level. That incorporates things like attraction, but seems to be much more holistic because it lets me see lasting affects and more remote areas of myself. I can feel how this experience wasn't positive both internally and in some externally observable choices such as food selection, mood, and so on. I could feel other's imbalance. I'm still imbalanced, but on the relative scale felt more balanced (~5 weeks now). It felt like by communicating I'd be plugging into an unknown voltage with a high probability that the voltage would be wrong. The chance of havoc would be too risky. Everyone seemed goal driven. I was just looking to chat without excessive superficiality. Any time I tried, it fell flat. The overall vibe kind of made me fearful of trying even with the few girls that I might have had a passing interest in. I get way better energy from girls at school several of whom are always smiling at me. Maybe I was pushing out defenses. Who really knows. I found the whole experience draining. Maybe I'm more environmentally sensitive than others. Even things about the space and setup were getting to me. It's amazing how the little details can really shift perceptions.

My perceptions could be off for several reasons. Finals, other girls, life in general on my mind, and so on. In addition to my religious hangups, I now have new hangups about finding balanced people. I'm trying to span the abyss of the hookup scene by going from the religious hill to the balanced hill. That seems to make things a little harder in terms of finding a mate. Yeah, I could just let experience be the guide for know, but I don't want to fall in and spend time digging my way out. I've spent enough fog time already. At the very least, the female must add energy to my life. That seems like a very fair standard yet one that many females seem to be unable to do for me. The nice thing is when they do boost my energy it is really obvious for me...much more so than subtle things like attraction. And that energy boost stays with me and can be called up just by thinking of them.[/quote]

------exactly. this is how the majority are. it is the social conditioning. it is not because you didn't perceive anyone a certain way. you could have saw their glory all day and it wouldn't have made a difference. that's what i've said the whole time. this is the truth.

I only need a few friends in

I only need a few friends in my life. There are females like me. I'm being more self critical than critical of the masses. I think if you reflect your analysis inward you might learn stuff about yourself. You can't just give up because some are socially conditioned. Go find international people who are less Americanized.

dude

i've done all the inward looking one can do. i've learned all there is to know of myself. stop critiquing yourself and start critiquing the masses. quit believing this nonsense that they are OK and you have the problem. cut them down to size in your own head and then proceed. you'll see the difference. international people are not always so close by you know. and ones that are in USA are quickly tainted by it. i am not a man of means at all and cannot afford to do much or go anywhere.

I'm not justifying or

I'm not justifying or defending the masses. However, my goal is not to change them. I just need to sift them better to find ones I can identify with. To do that I need to better know myself. Go with the glass half full approach. I've found by expanding my horizons I'm finding people I at least have a chance of connecting with and people who value connecting with me more. I'm also encountering a lot of the screwed up people. Nothing one can do about that.

I think we need to critique

I think we need to critique each other outwardly. We live in a bit of sham society where it has become unacceptable to be critical. This creates even more imbalance by giving the illusion that all is positive in the world and by making any criticism we do receive seem harsher than it is.

Perhaps we're all confused

Perhaps we're all confused somehow. Maybe start a new thread with where you think we all agree and disagree and how it relates to the ideas here. Otherwise, the discussion is getting lost all over the various threads.

you're right

[quote=freedom]Perhaps we're all confused somehow. Maybe start a new thread with where you think we all agree and disagree and how it relates to the ideas here. Otherwise, the discussion is getting lost all over the various threads.[/quote]

this is getting way off topic and i'm sure i started it in that direction. sorry everyone.

depth and intimacy are scary

David Deida talks about a concept that you have to penetrate the feminine to bloom into openness. (He's not talking about sex, just to clarify.) Depth and intimacy are scary. To be willing to go deep and to be close is to allow one's self to open and expose himself, first to himself, and then to someone else. It's fucking scary. And before we judge others for being unwilling to do so, let's remember that many (though not all) were using P and/or M and/or O to self-medicate against that very thing.

After several years of training and passion for deepening relationships, I've found that even in the more superficial situations, I can bring the conversation with most people to a deep place where there are sincere, genuine moments of real connection. Even with strangers. It's not 100% of the time by any means, and I can't control or predict the response of anyone.

What's I've learned, though, is that most people want depth. Not just want, but CRAVE it. But it's scary as hell. And they need to feel emotionally safe and emotionally ready to do it. They might even need some encouragement. They might even need persistent encouragement. You need to "penetrate" through their shells. But I'd say most people want it. And if not, most...adjusting for regional and cultural variation, I'd still say many. We're not talking about finding a needle in a haystack here.

But that said, learning how to skillfully and consistently bring relationships to a place of depth and connection is something that takes time and practice. Not to mention a real, genuine appreciation for why they are closed off and so resistant. I mean, people become closed off because they're afraid of getting hurt. And they're afraid of getting hurt because they've been hurt. And they've been hurt because we're humans, our society isn't really good at emotional openness, overstimulation, addiction, self-medication, commercialization, etc. etc.

If you can start with the assumption that most people stuck in the superficial must have suffered through hurts that keeps them from leaving the superficial and entering the deep...I think you'll find more and more people willing to open up as your interpersonal skills improve. That doesn't mean that you tolerate superficial behavior when you want more. You deserve more. It just means that you come from a point of love, where that love opens people into depth. Coming from a point of criticism immediately puts you into a posture of attack and defense. And who among us can really open when we're being attacked?

Many among the masses are self-medicating against self-awareness by living in the superficial. Some of us were self-medicating against self-awareness by self-medicating with masturbation and orgasm. We're all humans trying to get our needs met, and when you come into an interaction from a place of genuine appreciation rather than judgment, you'll find more and more people willing to do the same to you.

I want you to see that there's a whole world of people who want to be real and deep and loving with you. Not for my sake. Not to prove that anyone is right or wrong. But because I want you to feel the love you crave and deserve! It will feel delicious. :)

J

I'm being over reactive in

I'm being over reactive in hindsight on here. I do not prejudge. Everyone is perfect until proven otherwise. Still this is a good reminder that I need to share my balance otherwise I'm not really balanced. Maybe I don't feel stable enough yet. It's funny. I was defending shallow people the other day so I know what you're saying. I feel them squirm away in pain at times. I'm working on myself too much to deal with them all at the moment. Perhaps at another time and place I'd be more tolerant.

I've experienced some of that blooming. I've said things that I don't know exactly where they came from or how they came together in the way they they did. I want more...my inner genius wants that thread to pull himself out by. Everything seems so close, but not yet attainable. Baby steps.

Nice analogy. Looking back

Nice analogy. Looking back over the past couple of years, so much growth, but it doesnt feel like that everyday, only when comparing to long ago.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.
-Aristotle