Husband driving me nuts with non-doing

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My partner and me have been together for 10 years. When we met he was an extreme Powerful person and totally into spirituality. We really clicked and developped overtime a steady rt but the wild sex was soon switched off by him, not because the sexual attraction fizzled out. Maybe its got to do with being an adopted kid and not allowing the love in. I complained over the years but backed off as soon as he stated that he would do something about that. We met in Asia and lived there for a few years where it is easy to have lots of ppl around you than we went to Holland and became totally socially isolated. With all his ppl skills it turned out it was difficult to make friends and to really connect with Dutchies or things the place has to offer. At times my partner was gone for a number of weeks and I wanted to bring more streamline and focus into my personal life and started doing Yoga and sports daily and was working on my Tantra. As he is a teacher in this, I thought he would join in with me. But No. After a while I lost my stamina cause I had partially done this regime to get upto speed on a sexual level and had expected and requested him to join me. We started quarreling. Took a break with a couple of months holiday in Thailand and I really backed off with my complaining/telling him what I need but we only had sex once in a fortnight and my initiatives to do things differently (our 'love' making became very stereotypical over the years) were not followed by passion or interest on his side. Now since coming to Holland he lost his spunk cause he is not on purpose or focussed at all and he turned into a little mouse. We even had some time apart at this holiday and were VERY happy to see each other and make it work this time. But after a few days of jetlag nothing happened.No sex. No steps towards projects to get on purpose. And the quarrels started again. Many ultimatums followed even from his side to give me what I need on a sexual and spiritual level and he thought he was such a dough head to let this happen. But no change. A week ago the situation worsened since my income stops and I thought that would have to make him DO things but that didnt happen either.

Basicly I have lost all my energy, am severely depressed, dont want to live with him nor without him since I literally have no friends or connection with anything in this country. We have talked a bout moving many times but it always get stuck after partner saying why we cant do that. He is completely stuck and so am I now. Saying he wants to make things good for me but every night he is falling asleep in front of the tv and not doing what he promised. To pick up my life I need space without him but am scared shitless of doing this pure isolated life alone. And I am also very scared that I throw the child away with the bathwater. He has been acting from his negative child and his adult is almost not available or his Higher Self. But having seen him in different times as so strong, interesting, funny, sexy etc I wonder wether this can come back or not. Or did he shoot into a pattern concerning his adoption? Rationally he confirms all my complaints and he says he wants to do better and get up his lazy ass but there is no action to go along with this.Its so bad I gave up all prayer.medidation and sports and became totally stuck myself.He is a very masculine guy with his feminine side developed and he used to be the decisionmaker and I was very happy with that but now I feel I HAVE to make all decisions and give our lives structure and focus. I am looking forward to hear your suggestions and I appreciate your help very much!

Sorry you're so miserable

I hate to see couples give up.

Have you spent any time at our site? Do you understand what we're advising? Our theory is that sex based on orgasm (male or female) causes emotional alienation between couples. This is based on how the reward center of the brain operates, not on religious notions. We think that many tantra traditions, especially in the West, have lost this basic concept.

So, all I can really offer you is information about what we've been learning. It requires a very slow, nurturing approach to healing the emotional rift between you. We recommend that couples NOT have intercourse for at least two weeks after they begin. However, even more importantly, they need to engage in generous affection of the type described here on a daily basis:

Even if your husband is not interested in sex at the moment, he may be willing to accept a foot massage, or engage in "no performance required" intimacy of some kind.

Failing that, he may be willing to read about a different approach and then decide if he's willing. We think our book is good at explaining to people why they are feeling alienated from their sexual partners and what they can do differently. You can read about it (with a link to the introduction) here:

We also think the books on this page are very good for helping people understand the wisdom of a different approach:
We have links to the full texts from that page. "The Karezza Method" is very user friendly.

I also think it's wise to ask the Divine for a new perspective on things. This often shifts the energy in a more positive way...perhaps because you won't feel so alone.

Write any time!


Thanks Marnia, I have not

Thanks Marnia,

I have not read a lot yet about this site but did understand your POV with coming. It is something I wanted to get my man in years ago but again the same thing happens, he says he is interested but does not show any signs. I ask him not to come every time but when the moment is there he does not choose to not cume. I dont have a problem with it since coming for me takes a lot of hard work which than distracts me from feeling the extasy in the moment so most of the times I cant be bothered anyway and i am just enjoying the ride (if I get any!).

YOur theory makes sense but my husband is not getting hot for others either and yet has no problem with getting it up or has any sexual dysfunction...

Clearer explanation

Hi again,

I have no doubt that your husband is just fine physically (sexually). If I'm right, the problem between you is not physical at all. The usual problem between couples is that their perception of each other gradually shifts for the worse due to conventional sex. That is, orgasm causes a drop in energy duirng the days and weeks following intense passion. Over time, it is this drop that lovers project on to each other - just as they projected the neurochemical highs at the beginning of their addiction to each other...and were sure they saw the perfect mate.

The drop after orgasm (see "Why Does A Lover Pull Away after Sex?" also gets projected onto each other. It shows up in the typical relationship as irritability, apathy, anxiety, nagging, selfishness, interest in other lovers, and so forth. We just don't look as good to each other, due to this problem. At base, the problem is that we project a sense of LACK (low dopamine) onto each other. If we feel drained as a result, we believe our partner is being overly demanding. If we feel needy as a result, we believe our partner is being selfish and uncaring. This drives couples you are experiencing.

What we humans haven't realized is that this is NATURAL. It is nature's way of moving us on to new increase the genetic variety of our offspring. This behavior may be good for multiplying our species, but it's bad for us as individuals.

The only solution I know for this problem is for couples to "reset" their subconscious feelings toward each other. Right now your husband associates you with feelings of depletion (at a deep level he may not be aware of).

To shift the energy between you, you want to be sure he associcates you instead with feelings of safety, increased energy, and "nourishment." This is why I recommend the gentle, generous, non-erotic contact such as foot massages, head massages, and so forth.

It's best if you EXCHANGE with each other, but if he isn't interested, you can begin by simply giving him generous affection of this type. DO NOT make your contact with him erotic - although it can be sensitive and even sensual. Erotic feelings are a problem because, for the moment, they are associated with feeling drained afterward. Just make the contact selfless and nurturing. He needs at least two weeks of this type of exchange to soothe his nervous system. Maybe more. Then I think you might see some improvement, especially if you stick to sacred sex (non-orgasmic lovemaking) when you do finally add intercourse back into your lives.

Does this make sense?

Over the last few years I

Over the last few years I have taught him intimacy. He was not open to that when we met and for years after. We are massaging each other now a lot and it does feel good to give and receive but not always. I am feeling too much distance from him. Cutting the sex out in the meantime does not help: he sees it as Aha finally Freedom! But has no sex drive for himself or other women either. Youre right in that there is nothing wrong with his physicality. In fact he is doing different sports several times a week. He admitted this weekend he feels differently for me than for other women he sees on the street, like I am more of a mum to him and that his has to do with his adoption. He never made a fuss about this and always thought he was not hurt by that...So cutting the sex out gives him only more time to postpone actions. And the strangest thing to me is that he is not bothered by it at all. His whole reaction pattern lately is that of a boy while he is a very powerful man. He is stuck all over.

Give it time

Sounds to me like he is going through some necessary healing. This approach tends to initiate healing on whatever levels someone has a block to intimacy. Be the nurturing YIN energy in his life right now and be patient. I think the boy will disappear and your man will return. I have great faith in YANG energy! It never stays down for long. Then it will be your turn to heal anything that keeps you from deeper union.

I remember once trying this non-orgasmic approach with a new lover years ago. (Before I understood that a very slow approach, with no intercourse at first, is best.) The first thing that happened after we made love (without ejaculation) was that he slept most of the weekend that we spent together. He was a very driven, highly effective businessman, who normally didn't sleep well at all. He wondered if I had given his sleeping pills! Smile What this approach seems to do is allow the person to return to center, to a balanced place. If he's hyper, he first calms way down. If he's apathetic, he gradually awakens.

I would view your husband's "down time" as temporary, a much-needed chance to reset his sexuality, so he can move with you in a higher direction. If I'm right that subconscious uneasiness is the real culprit, then you do not want to "push" him to have sex...anymore than you would want to be pushed if you were he. Trust the Divine and let him unfold like a new plant.

Meanwhile, do your best to continue to give - rather than focus on your unmet needs. This will make you feel better toward him. You always have the choice to leave the relationship, but give it some time first.

It's beautiful that you have taught him intimacy. That is an amazing gift. Now you want to be a "safe harbor" for him, so that you can teach him a deep sense of peace and safety, too. Then I predict that you will have your enthusiastic lover back.

Unfortunately, most approaches to sex therapy insist that "heat" is what makes good sex. But heat can create deep uneasiness. It can be perceived as manipulative and greedy. We women haven't understood this. Quite innocently, just by trying to please our partners and be "great lovers," we have been making them deeply uneasy. This problem isn't apparent in casual affairs, but it often appears in lasting relationships. Lasting relationships, however, offer the powerful benefits of trusted companionship, better health and greater longevity. So it's worth learning how to sustain our intimacy without creating the subconscious fear that drives lovers apart.

I don't know if this next item will help, but here's part of a chapter that popped into my head while thinking about your situation:

Karezza [lovemaking without orgasm] is easy and successful just in proportion to the abundance of mutual love - hard and difficult just in proportion as mere sex-craving dominates love. If the woman loves her mate so much that his mere presence, voice, touch, are a heaven of joy to her, so much that the sex-relation is only an adjunct and she could be happy if entirely without it, then, by a sort of paradox, not only does she enjoy it twice as exquisitely as her merely sex-craving sister, but can let it go at any moment without a pang. On the other hand the more the man rises above mere sex-hunger in delicious perfection of romantic love, the more easy and natural and effortless becomes Karezza-control, and the less likely is he to have a failure; and the more the woman loves him, almost to forgetting of sex, the more she assists him to be perfect in sex-power and control, while the less she cares if he does fail. In every way and on every side, absence of love, or a break in the tender stream of romantic rapport and adoration and soul-blending, makes the mechanical technique of Karezza difficult, awkward, unsatisfactory or impossible.

Remember this: If a woman does not love her man with heart or soul, or at least an innocent sense of need that arouses in her a tender gratitude for his service, but merely craves sex-sensation, her avid and animal passion, sensed by his sexual nerves on contact, will arouse in him a lust as soulless as her own, or will render him impotent, or will give him an initial power and then demand so imperiously of his centers that denial and control will be impossible and helplessly he will fail [to maintain control over his ejaculatory reflex]. Just so if he comes to her only for her sex, not in tender love or sympathy, he will find he cannot hold.

It is the predominance of the finer emotions, the capture of the body by the soul and the joyous devotion of every function to that dear service, that alone renders Karezza easy and divinely satisfying.

The woman who is shocked in this case [when a man comes unexpectedly] is one who loves less than she should; the shock is disappointment of sex-craving, and when she embraces a man whom she loves more than sensation she will never feel it.


I'm not saying that your needs don't matter, Dear Friend. I'm just suggesting that you to continue to defer them for a time and stay in your heart. That should do much to soothe your annoyance, and it will allow you to hold the space for your husband to bounce back...hopefully on a higher level.

It may be that he is going back through his childhood and adolescence because he needs to "re-do" them with an unconditionally loving partner. We all need this healing. Perhaps if you strengthen him now, he will be there for you later. In any case, the gift of your unconditional love will eventually come back to you with him, or another lover.