me also fail to satisfy ladies

Submitted by noobzealot on
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Hey everyone. I am 26 and I am an addict :) Seriously though, I am hurting so much psychologically from weak erection. And weak erection made me to be very cautious in everyday relations with women. I am very outgoing and social person but when it comes to intimes I back up; instead of pressing in I backing up because I know I will fail. How pathetic is this? Well....that's me. I guess we tend to look past our real problems. I was smirked every time I heard the word impotency. I thought it does not apply to me: "Impotency is when you can't get it up, right? But I can (when mastubate in front of a screen), so I am allright." I guess I was just escaping the thought.

What is so different today? Well, not much, except that after moving to another country I realised how different I am from "normal men". I know now that yes I am impotent; i can't satisfy lady. This bloody thing is just not hard enough to do the job. I am pretty desparate now, especially now when I am a part of a circle of (i guess u can call it successful) young men my age who doing great in every respect; they all frequently publicly disappear with pretty ladies. It is expected of me as well, but.......i can't be honest, it would destroy me. Don't get me wrong, not that I don't want sexy times myself, but if I am not pressed I will just keep hiding it, and ignoring the problem.

I hope my problem is in excessive masturbation (everyday for 10 years or so) and internet porn. Let's see if abstinence will bring any results. I trust you guys. Do I have any other choise? Nope. Today it is my second day without selfsatisfaction.

Not sure why I am writing this thread. Maybe because I am hoping to get 1, 2 responses that impotency is reversable.

Meanwhile I guess I will have to resort to fake viagra (whatever I can find in these Chinese sex shops). I gotta live up to this social status; or get back into fake world I had before. Additionally, I wasn't able to sustain any relationship because of my impotency. It kinda made me lonely, without anyone to talk to about real "stuff". I have been always hiding it, covering lonely feeling with work or social events. I guess it is a growing bubble which will burst eventually. If nothing will change I can imagine myself in 30's, alone, with little experience with ladies. omg, i would be so depressed. I affraid it will happen, though everything is going this way.

ok, I am signing out. if anyone reads this, wish me luck (or better advise which type of fake viagra I should get in one of these chinese sex shops)

abstinence works.

It's reversible. I'm 4-months deep with a few slips (fewer than 5). Finally had a full vertical erection yesterday. Watch for pornographic fantasizing, that will slow down your progress. And you should journal. Keep us posted!

J

First of all, zealot,

First of all, zealot, today's "normal man" doesn't have much to brag about. Sexual deficiencies are common and widespread, thanks to our hypersexualized and stressful society. You think too highly of your young male colleagues, by believing that there's this huge gap between yourself and them.

You are not hurting psychologically because of your weak erection. You are hurting yourself with your own fixation on it.

You say you are worried about "satisfying ladies". But it's your own self-image and desire for orgasm that you are concerned with. If you really cared about satisfying any of these ladies, you would not be this self-focused about the sexual act. It's hard to actually share happiness with others when you are continually depleting yourself of it. My suggestion is to forget about the porn, forget about "disappearing with pretty girls" for a while, forget about erections, relax, and find yourself a hobby or something. Something worthwhile and constructive. Build your self-worth on something else that does not cause you so much stress and desperation. Focus on yourself, but in a positive and healthy way.

And don't take viagra. Using drugs to force energy out of your body is unnatural and can be dangerous.

I wish you luck with your abstinence! You can do it -- remember, other men in even worse shape than you have successfully recovered from their addictions. Your condition is more common than you may think.

Some Chinese medicine is

Some Chinese medicine is fabulous. However, I wouldn't take fake Chinese medicine if you paid me. That is your imbalanced self talking.

Am I missing something? Asian women in Asia are a lot more natural than here. They are not expecting sex in the same way. They should be willing to talk to you. Why are you comparing yourself to your colleagues who are probably drugged up to get it done? I'm with FreakyFred...look within and go find a nice girl to talk to.

DAY 3

thanks everyone. After reading some more testimonies on this forum I decided to stop self-service+porn completely. This is the first time I've taken such decision. I'll use this thread to post updates or failure details. The goal for the next month is to have no happy times except only one slip with a real lady with the help of fake chinese viagra. Also, I am cutting down on alcohol and limiting myself to a one coffee per day policy.

P.S. nope, Chinese lades are desperate unless they are really young like 18 or smth.

Chinese women

[quote=noobzealot]P.S. nope, Chinese lades are desperate unless they are really young like 18 or smth.[/quote]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. When I was there there was a girl in one of my classes that was into me. Nothing came of it as I wasn't at all interested and the setup was such that we interacted very little. She didn't seem desperate...just normal interest and attraction. I think American women seem more sexually desperate in their mentality.

Are you sure your perceptions are accurate at the moment?

None of the above

In my limited experience it comes down to the individual woman. There are some generalizations but my favorite generalization regarding women and sex is that in general, there are no generalizations. This goes double if we are talking about race or nationality. Best advice to learn what a person is feeling about sex or any other topic...get to know them! I think noob needs to really get the most of having women as friends and stop worrying so much about a woody. It will come back if he takes the cure... I Ga-Ron-Tee! (Cajun accent)

"I asked my doctor about Karezza and now I have an enormous penis!"

Welcome

Start your own blog if you want to journal your journey. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Withdrawal IS difficult. Did you check out our sister site: "Your Brain On Porn"? http://yourbrainonporn.com/ Under "Ask Us" you can read about others' withdrawal symptoms.

The good news is that your symptoms are classic, so it's almost certain that unhooking from overstimulation will heal you. But be patient. This is not a quick fix. In a couple of months you'll be a new man. Read about "Rebooting" here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change

Be optimistic! *big hug*

difficult is putting it nicely

[quote]Withdrawal IS difficult[/quote]

It's more like "withdrawal is an mental and emotional torture chamber". You aren't alone...we've been through it...others are going through it. When you're tempted to rub one out, just remember to tell yourself that the sooner you get through the withdrawal stage, the easier it gets!

J

DAY 4

Got through Day 3 without much trouble. There is that funny tingeling feeling in my lower back tho, on both left and right side. I read somewhere that kidneys release some kind of chemical which is connected to hard-on. It feels like after over 10 years of daily rubbing my manhood my kidneys are saying something like: "dude, are you there?" My mind blackmails me: either I go quickly jurk off or it won't let me concentrate on my job. Libido is dormant.

I don't expect easy&fast results. Tighting it up and holding in. Motivation is still high.

Marnia, I am using this thread as my journal if you don't mind.

Do as you please

Perhaps the tingle is your "kidney yin" beginning to come back to life.

Kidney Yin Deficiency includes any of the broad symptoms in the chart below (General Yin Deficiency) plus dizziness, vertigo, poor memory and/or tinnitus. This is because the Kidneys nourish the Brain, it being the Sea of Marrow in Chinese medicine. (Capitalization is often used in CM to differentiate between the Western anatomical names and the CM energetic interpretation of the internal landscape.) If there is not enough Kidney yin to nourish the Brain, then there is a gradual onset of dizziness and/or vertigo. Ears relate to the Kidneys in CM. Ear ringing that comes on slowly and is low-pitched implies a possible Kidney yin deficiency. Memory loss is hardly noticeable at first and more short-term, like walking in another room and forgetting why you went there.

Lower back pain is common for any Kidney imbalance, and when Kidney yin is deficient, it feels more "in the bones" than other deficiencies. This is due to the Kidney yin connection with marrow and bones. Kidney yin deficiency can manifest as gradual onset of a dull ache in the lower back, not necessarily connected to a previous injury.

The cause can be overwork over a period of years, particularly if activity is aided by stimulants. This includes always being on the go and overextended; burning the candle at both ends will burn up Kidney yin. Excessive sex, especially during the teenage years, can deplete Kidney yin. Heat from a severe illness can consume body fluids and Kidney yin. Chronic disease also can deplete Kidney yin, along with the yin of the Liver, Heart or Lungs. An extreme loss of blood, such as from endometriosis or fibroids, can exhaust Kidney yin. Last but not least, incorrect treatment is a cause of Kidney yin deficiency. This is not so much a problem with Asian bodywork therapy, but it is a matter of concern if the person is self-treating with herbs or going to an untrained herbalist. Many people use yang tonics from health food stores over long periods of time, which can create heat and damage Kidney yin. If you don't know what you are doing, don't play with fire! http://www.massagetoday.com/mpacms/mt/article.php?id=10563

I am very similar to you.

noobzealot, I feel for you. I think your story and mine are very similar. We are even the same age (26) and can talk to girls but scared to push it furthre because of this erection issue. One good thing my sex therapist told me is that as long as you are physically able to get erection (nighttime, morning, or when you're looking at screen), there is nothing physically wrong with you. Everything is in your head.

Think about it, tens of thousands of years ago, our ancestors were probably dirty, smelly from not bathing, didn't shave, have makeup or any of the other stuff the media and porn put about about what we should find attractive and arousing. Yet they were able to get aroused and have sex with each other. Genetically they were almost identical to us, so it's really undoing whatever the modern world has done to our heads. I am cautiously optimistic and trying to have hope for the future rather than looking for easy, quick drug fix.

You can read my (very long) story here:
http://www.reuniting.info/node/5247

You're right that the problem is in your head,

but it's probably not psychological. It's most likely physiological. You have numbed your brain's pleasure response. Have you read these articles?

"Intoxicating Behaviors: 300 Vaginas = A Lot of Dopamine"
http://yourbrainonporn.com/intoxicating-behaviors-300-vaginas-a-lot-of-d...

"Protect Your Appetite for Pleasure"
http://yourbrainonporn.com/protect-your-appetite-for-pleasure

jl8490

[quote=jl8490]noobzealot, I feel for you. I think your story and mine are very similar.
http://www.reuniting.info/node/5247[/quote]

Hey jl8490. You are right, it seems we are quite similar. I read your story; it was like looking in the mirror. My experience soo similar, except that I broke up with a gf myself very soon after I realised I can't perform (after several attempts). I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I was searching for an answer but most of the internet is full of articles that jurking off is good.....

Anyways, I hope the method suggested on this website will work. My goal is stop browsing porn and stop touching it myself. I bought that fake viagra, just in case I gotta "do the job".

Jl8490, you say you have tried abstinence since October. Does it work? Sure, I don't expect results to appear within a month after decades of daily jurking off, but still, anything at all?

well...good luck. I hope we will recover. Keep me updated on your progress.

Since October

I have been trying this method since late October but have slipped up twice. Once was in the middle of November when I received a sample pack of Cialis and was so desperate and worried that I decided to take half a pill and masturbate "just to see" if I could get it up. I watched porn and was able to do it twice within an hour.

I was then clean of p/m/o for over a month until 2 days ago actually when I masturbated to O again just through physical sensation, no porn. I am prone to falling into depressive states every once in a while and seriously wonder if I can ever find a relationship in the future. This somehow lead me to breaking the streak two days ago. I think I will try to hold out again. Luckily, it has been well over a month without any porn at all.

In terms of results, it's hard to say because I haven't been with a girl to "test" how I would respond. I have gotten a couple random spontaneous erections in the 5 weeks since November but it's hard to tell what is or isn't progress. I hope those who have beed cured of ED can respond and share their experiences.

DAY 5

holding strong. Nothing has changed since day 4. Yesterday night picked some pretty ladies online for like 30 seconds. Felt nothing in my little man. I felt demoralised. So far, I don't experience sympomts described by others on this forum, except cravings to jurk off of course.

It took you a while to get into this mess,

It's going to take you more than 4 days to get out of it.
You have changed the chemistry and structure of your brain. It needs time to come back to baseline.

Here's an analogy: If you started lifting weights this week, would you expect to gain 20 pounds of muscle by next week? Of course not.

Here's another analogy: If you broke your leg, would you walk on it, or give it a rest in order to heal? Give it a rest. Everytime you test out your leg, you reinjure it, and it sets back the healing time.

Have you read the articles on porn-related ED recovery?

ED sufferers usually *don't*

have the same symptoms as others at first. It is normal for you guys to feel kind of ... dead for a while instead. Be glad! At least you don't have the same intensity of cravings to cope with.

It seems that what you guys mostly need is a lot of patience. It may be five weeks before you feel much of anything...except some anxiety, insomnia, etc. I know it's hard to wait, but remember, you spent years numbing your brain's pleasure response. A couple of months is really not that long to sort yourselves out.

There are lots of tools here for easing your minds. Check them out. Get out of your own heads. Let go of your scripts of how things "should" be. Stop thinking and worrying about the future and learn how to enjoy your lives while you wait for your brains to heal your sexual responsiveness. http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change#tools

DAY 7

sitting here at work with a big urge to jurk off. That's the longest I have ever lived my consious life without orgasm. No change in libido. I start remembering an old saying from my country: "God gave every man only one bucketful of sperm. Use it wisely."

Also, an interesting fact I noticed is that my urge is to masturbate, rathen than anything else. I am not thinking about women, I just want to jurk off. I am day dreaming about jurking off lol. I am so messed up...........

This too will pass. I'm

This too will pass. I'm applying my skills as I try fasting for three days. I didn't dream of food on the first night. The other day I had some time to kill waiting for a train. I wandered around the news shop and the candies were calling to me. If my stomach had hands, it would have been over. I walked around the back zipped by the porn magazines which happened to be there only to return to more candy. Apparently food takes priority...so you can always try fasting to get your mind on your stomach instead of masturbating. I think we should all try fasting to see the overlaps. Food will be yummy for me come Friday. I have to think about how to make it food karezza.

hahaha yeah

[quote=noobzealot]sitting here at work with a big urge to jurk off. That's the longest I have ever lived my consious life without orgasm. No change in libido. I start remembering an old saying from my country: "God gave every man only one bucketful of sperm. Use it wisely."

Also, an interesting fact I noticed is that my urge is to masturbate, rathen than anything else. I am not thinking about women, I just want to jurk off. I am day dreaming about jurking off lol. I am so messed up...........[/quote]

yeah, i know the feeling. i'm on day 53 now. for the first 37 days it was just as you described. it was maddening. i couldn't concentrate on anything, no sleep, amped-up a lot, pacing around a whole lot, etc. pretty much the entire month or so. i sympathize completely.

easier? yes & no

"you're finding it a bit easier now, RJ?"

a bit easier. yes. the libido is still there. ugh. the intrusive thought phase seems to be over. luckily i don't run into to many people during the day and don't go to population centers or places where many people congregate all that often. that may have something to do with it. fewer people maybe equals less chance for fantasy perhaps. still i think total desirelessness is extremely far off.

Hmmm...

actually, friendly exchanges with others can help to ease longings. I think most monks are able to live celibate lives because of the close camaraderie, the service to a larger cause, and of course the oxytocin that flows from feeling connected with their creator. Trying to become a hermit doesn't work for most of us. Very ambitious!

i would like the longings to

i would like the longings to disappear, that's for sure. it is unnatural but so what. i wouldn't say i'm trying to be a hermit but i don't go out all that much. going out regularly inevitably costs $$$ and my $$$ is ultra-tight. do think i'm being all that ambitious?

Christmas night - sad story

So, last night I went out to the club and end up with a hot girl going to my place. I didn't want to take anyone home but I was very drunk, very drunk, so there was no thinking involved into this. Then, after all I had viagra with me, so what's the worst that could happen.....so I thought. I end up in a bed with a really hot girl AND I took one pill of viagra, about one hour before (still in the club).

It was tough to get it up but I got it semi erected eventually. I guess viagra pills didn't work. It went back to no-erection state imideately after. I was very upsted so I took 2 more viagra pills. Within the next hour I could again get semi erection but again it went down to no-erection state very soon. OMG, it was embarrasing. I was very drunk as well so it's hard to remember the details. But, for sure pills didn't work.

My conclusion from the night is that I should not meet ladies anymore. I cannot rely on viagra pills as they don't work on me. Now I will stick to Marnia's theory 100% and will hope for the best. There is nothing to lose anymore. It's lost already. BTW, I didn't not feel any side effects of viagra like tunnel vision or stuffy nose.

P.S. Relapse? Yes, tho I didn't masturbate to porn. I was with a real girl for a change, even tho I couldn't do anything about it. She was all wet and wanting me very much but I was laying down there all pathetic.

Well,

I'm sure the snuggle did you good. And at least you managed to relapse. Wink

In the long run you'll be glad that there are no shortcuts and that you have to completely reboot your brain. That will assure you that this problem IS under your control...even if you don't like the conditions of performance for the time being.

And keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant. It removes inhibitions, but can also dampen performance.

*big hug*

I guess you could have tried

I guess you could have tried soft entry. I think this is an example of your body knowing more than you in the sense that it didn't want to be with this girl even though you want to be with a girl. Our society underestimates what has to take place before men are ready. We assume foreplay and intimacy are only for women. I guess the body can control the effect of viagra or that works like other drugs where it maintains natural erection, but doesn't create an erection.

I think even when fully rebooted, we need to accept that we won't get erect at times and that there is a design reason for this. The female reaction of "is it me" is more correct in some sense...although I think the question is "is it we" in the sense that both partners have to be at certain point for all to work as designed.

too complicated

freedom. You make it too complicated. It either works or it doesn't. Today it doesn't. I am very disappointed in viagra tho.

marnia. thanks for bringing me hope.

Keep in mind

that viagra has some very nasty, if rare, side effects, so it's not a good long-term solution anyhow. Better to clean the mess up from the brain down.

All of us prefer shortcuts, but sometimes when we look back, we see it's for the best that they didn't work.

And yes, Freedom, you really are mixing apples and oranges here. No one's saying that a healthy penis/balanced brain works like a machine - or should work like a machine independent of circumstances. But these kinds of concerns you keep raising for these guys are just distractions for the moment. They aren't in that state yet. They can contemplate those subtleties later. Smile

I don't think this is a

I don't think this is a subtlety. I think we need to accept our body's cues for what they are. It is foundational. The ED crowd is too focused on the ED as the problem instead of at best one signal of other things going on in them and in these relationships. A completely healthy never used PMO guy, who takes a viagra might have ED in similar circumstances. In a healthy male and a healthy relationship passing ED isn't be a problem because there would be enough connection and understanding on the male human condition. Rebooting will help and is the task at hand...but in the meantime, the wiring needs some maintenance as well. Otherwise, there is nothing to go on post rebooting. Some of the ED crowd might not be willing to accept this now, but they might as well know about it so their mind can ponder this next time they get up to bat.

That's a fair point

and it is true that our bodies give us useful signals, which we override with regrets. I just don't know if a numbed brain is tuned in enough to hear or value or even believe in those signals at first.

:(

I wanna cry about my impotense. I can have a real girl with a phone call or a club night, yet I can't do anything about it. My new flatmate, seeing me with that hot girl in the morning is pushing me to go after ladies with him; but I can't do that. If only he knew....This is so hard. I am only 26. I thought about doing something bad to myself today.

I moved to China partly to escapte such pressure; but here yet again I am encountered with that what I can't do. Why ppl around me keep pushing me? I wish there was someone I could talk about my issues besides this website. I just want to end this. It is way more than I can handle.

I'm sorry you're hurting

But, as you say, you're only 26. This is a storm that will pass, and I'm extremely confident that good sex and relationships are in your future. As I see it, you just needed to prove something to yourself...and you did. Namely, viagra isn't the solution here.

Now, when you calm down :-), you can get on with what you need to (not) do without further distractions.

Relax, do something nice for yourself and trust that you'll soon be feeling much more optimistic on every level. Read these if you need inspiration: http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-benefits-do-people-see-as-they-reboot

Slipping into any addiction can make even the wisest, most wonderful person act like a little child who WANTS HIS WAY OR ELSE.... Addicts often think about suicide, for example. It's the ultimate way to get your way, if you think about it.

But, the fact is, recovery is only painful for a while. And it teaches you lots of useful things about coping with life. You'll rediscover that wise, wonderful part of yourself. Promise.

*big hug*

noobzealot, i can't

noobzealot, i can't understand what you go through but i sympathize anyway. your problems are not all you. this is an endemically societal issue. is the world OK but you're wrong? or is it the reverse? ponder that seriously.

It can be both.

[quote=rayjay] is the world OK but you're wrong? or is it the reverse? ponder that seriously.[/quote]

It can be both. For the most part we can only change ourselves.

very true but i'll add

we can change our societies and that would be much better than changing ourselves. everyone on this board talks of perception and subconscious and all that. why could we not use these to alter our society in a healthier way. changing oneself amongst all this is like fighting 20 guys. i ask you, would this not be better?

We are changing our

We are changing our societies by changing ourselves. To continue your analogy 1/21 people in the room is now different. Then that one can work with another willing one and so on.

do you see a change in our

do you see a change in our societies because of changing ourselves? the unwilling would need to be worked on to. and the necessary change would have to be overt. think of the suffering this poor young man has gone through. it is needless and not his own fault. he is reacting to outside stimuli.

Yes, I see lots of people on

Yes, I see lots of people on here changing their societies through their partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. and each other here. Forget the unwilling. Some will not change. For the others, we have to be strong selves first and then they will wonder what is going on with us and open up. I don't talk about what I'm doing here, but I can talk about related things like water fasting which is amazingly similar both when starting and stopping. The key difference being that of course we do have to eat versus orgasm not ever being required. I'll post more in a couple of days when i have more time and time to solidify my thoughts.

yes

As I've dedicated my energy to personal growth, I first saw the changes in myself. Then I noticed the changes in those closest to me. And then I noticed the changes in people close to them. It really is amazing.

I used to be really frustrated with my dating life. After several years of inner and outer work, my dating life is as full as I want it to be. After seeing many changes in my life, two of my friends who had previously been frustrated were inspired to make their own internal changes as well and have started seeing the rewards. And one of those friends has a mother who has been divorced for 12 years and been on maybe 3 dates in that time. Now SHE is asking my friend about exploring how she can change her life.

You can't control what others do. I know I can't control what you do Wink A lot of people on this forum are going through a major transition in their lives, making gigantic changes in how they behave....and then noticing how their experiences in the world change. Hang out here long enough, and you can see that it's not necessary to get everyone else to change...you can just change yourself and somehow things seem to transform around you.