Scared and Depressed, My Story

Submitted by jl8490 on
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I am a 26-year old Asian male. This is a very long and deeply personal story. Every word is true.

I have been looking at porn since I was about 12 or 13, when my parents first got dial-up internet. I also began masturbating to orgasm at around that time. My method of masturbation was the "prone" style masturbation of laying face down and rubbing (with intense friction) my penis into bundled up blankets or pillows. I eventually learned maybe 4 or 5 years ago that this was not good as it acclimates the penis and arousal circuitry to a sensation that sex (oral or vaginal) cannot possibly reproduce (see Since my internet access at home was fairly slow, I initially used short video clips or still images and written erotica that I would print and put on my bed to read/look at while thrusting into pillows.

When I went to college, with the availability of high-speed internet and privacy of a dorm room, I became a full-fledged porn addict. I knew when my roommate would have classes and watched clips and movies and masturbated for hours at a time. By this time, I had somewhat figured out how to use my hand to masturbate the "normal" way while in a chair. I eventually moved into a single dorm room and would binge for hours/days at a time. I even got involved in Second Life, the virtual world game, and masturbated to animated avatars of others while doing cybersex. During this entire time, through high school and college, I never had a girlfriend/hookup or anything. I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 21 and a senior in college. I don't consider myself a bad-looking guy now, just very shy and scared to talk to girls.

In the last couple months of my senior year at college, I met a girl through a friend of mine and we started dating. Luckily, she was moving to the same area I was after school for a job so it seemed perfect. We liked each other. It was awkward as we were both relatively inexperienced (she had one boyfriend of 3.5 years before me). The first couple of times we tried to be intimate, I couldn't get aroused... at all. We chalked it up to nerves. Ironic, I thought based on the media that the first time would only last only seconds because I would prematurely ejaculate but I didn't respond to anything, no matter what she and I tried.

Eventually on another night, I was able to get aroused, a large part from masturbating myself furiously and with a lot of pressure and began intercourse. My first thoughts were: "Whoa, this feels nothing like when I hump the blanket/pillows" and almost immediately lost the erection. This process/experience repeated itself for effectively the next FOUR (not a typo) years. I think in the four years we dated we successfully had normal intercourse maybe five times. Usually it required me masturbating to get aroused and inserting/pumping for as long as I could before I got soft. Occasionally it was long enough to bring her to orgasm and I think only five times to bring me to orgasm. Oral sex did nothing for me and everything required me to masturbate until I was almost to the point of ejactulation.

Of course, during this entire time I was still using porn and masturbating on my own. My ex was attractive and even my friends/family/coworkers would say: "I can't believe you got such a pretty gf". I certainly thought so too, but I couldn't get aroused when with her or rarely would when we were kissing/etc.. What is wrong with me? Some guys get horny at a pretty girl walking by and I can't even when my gf is with me naked telling me they want me. I think she stuck around with me for so long because she comes from a conservative Asian background and liked that I treated her well but certainly wasn't happy with our sex life (or lack thereof).

She broke up with me and I found out later that she was dating some new guy almost immediately which raises some suspicion of what was happening there. Also, this guy has a reputation for getting girls to cheat on their bfs with him and then dumping the girls later. He broke up with her about four months after we broke up and she called me crying that she was really upset. Like the wussified guy, I comforted her even though she made it crystal clear she didn't want to be back with me.

I visited some escorts off the internet and were completely unable to perform with them either. Absolutely nothing. I started dating a little bit but every coffee date I was terrified that eventually we would become physical and I wouldn't be able to perform and they would hurt me again. They haven't gone anywhere I think because my lack of confidence showed through.

I started seeing a sex therapist who has a surrogate program. My therapist told me to definitely stop the bed humping and learn to masturbate to the physical sensation of your hand (every other day) and psychologically stop anticipating/worrying about what'll happen. The exercises/appointments are good but it's costing me an arm and a leg and I'm 70% through the appointments and haven't felt much progress (no erections or sex with the surrogate).

I came across Marnia's articles in late October and decided to definitely stop the p/m/o except if anything happens during the surrogate appointments. I have slipped up on two occasions. In November, I received a 3 pill sample pack of Cialis and was compelled to try half a pill to see if it worked. It sort of did and I masturbated twice. Also, yesterday I masturbated without porn, just to physical sensation and minor, almost involuntary mental fantasy. So, I guess I am back on day 1. My erections aren't strong, sort of spongy and 70% hard and require CONSTANT stimulation. I occasionally get morning wood.

This is already super long so I'll end it here. I am deeply depressed because of what happened to and during my one and only relationship, how it ended up and my fear is that if I do meet someone, they'll dump me or break my heart because of my inability to perform in bed. I hope I can recover like UncleBob and become "normal" so that I can have a fulfilling relationship with a girl/woman at some point in the future. Thank you so much to anyone who is still reading this. I just needed to get my feelings and story out and look forward to any advice you have to give. Also, I can answer any questions you might have as well.


thanks for sharing your story. Frankly, I see a lot of reasons you should be optimistic.

First, you know exactly what caused the problem. It wasn't that you aren't attractive or that women can't love you. You are, and they can. Your own innocently-developed habits simply got in the way.

Second, you know what you need to do to correct the problem, and you know it will take a couple of least...depending upon how much you fall back into intense stimulation via porn or friction. Smile

Third, it's normal to feel anxious during recovery...and especially shortly after orgasm. See "The Passion Cycle"

Putting all that together, I'd say you should be very optimistic...and patient. As you know, we recommend a different approach than the surrogate. Giving your brain's reward circuitry a REST means not trying to recondition your masturbation habits for a couple of months. So if you're not happy with the results from the surrogate, you can always try a complete time-out.

Also, keep in mind that cialis is not a "cure;" it's a short-term drug that screws with your vascular system. It doesn't heal the dampened pleasure response that is behind your erection problems. That will take time. See "Will sexual enhancement drugs help my porn-related ED?"

Start a blog if you like, so you can track your progress.

You're not alone. Many others are slamming into this same wall today. Internet porn is just too extreme for sensitive brains. You'll be fine.

*big hug*

Thanks Marnia

Thanks Marnia,

I truly am trying to remain optimistic and hopeful based on what you're saying and everything I read from these forums and blogs. The only thing is, I've noticed that a lot of the "cured" people are those who were once able to have regular sex/be aroused and now are having issues due to p/m/o addiction. The thing is, I never have been able to in the 4 years I've been active and had one gf. How will I know if this approach is working or if I'm truly cured?

Thanks again for your help and support.

I'm not sure I understand the issue here

If you've been using Internet porn this whole time, then you don't yet know what life is like without a numbed pleasure response (unless you can think back to the first time Wink ). Why would you worry about what will be possible when you're brain has returned to normal sensitivity? You'll be fine. You did read this account right?

You can contact this man through his blog here, if you like:

jl8490 said

"She broke up with me and I found out later that she was dating some new guy almost immediately which raises some suspicion of what was happening there."

---it should, she was probably cheating on you for a while. or she probably lined him up before she left you so she wouldn't be stuck alone. unacceptable either way.

" Also, this guy has a reputation for getting girls to cheat on their bfs with him and then dumping the girls later. He broke up with her about four months after we broke up and she called me crying that she was really upset."

---no shit. whuddaya know. how often do girls witness this and then go do it themselves? how often have they been through this only to do it again? should anyone feel sorry. if that was his reputation then what was her excuse?

"Like the wussified guy, I comforted her even though she made it crystal clear she didn't want to be back with me."

---here i have to scold you slightly. never do this again.

I know now that I think about it.

Yeah rayjay, looking back on it I know everything you're saying is true.

At the time I couldn't believe someone that I was in a serious relationship for 4 years and had met each other's parents and extended family and talked about marriage would do that to me.

It has really hit my confidence and made me wary of girls that they might hurt me again. Especially since I may not be able to satisfy them sexually.

It sort of did

by the way, what do you mean by "Cialis sort of helped". Did it become hard so that you could kill people with this stick? Did you feel like a gorilla beating your chest and searching for a pray? That's what they promise. I never tried one but bought a pack of fake viagra "just in case".


I've used Cialis

Here's an executive summary of how it works, or at least, my understanding of it. When your penis gets aroused, it fills with blood. And then there is a chemical reaction that takes place which empties the blood out of the penis when you're no longer aroused.

Cialis doesn't force the blood into the penis. What it does is prevent the blood from emptying once it gets there.

The problem with this for us PMO addicts is that our neurochemical systems which send the blood down there to begin with aren't functioning normally. In other words, Cialis does its job in preventing blood loss, but our brains still have to get the blood there to start. I've used Cialis in the past. And if you can get yourself aroused, it "works". But when my arousal cycle was totally desensitized, it didn't do much for me.



[quote=jman1601]Here's an executive summary of how it works, or at least, my understanding of it. ......
Thanks J. This is definitely a useful comment. Well..these forums are great I must admit.

I agree completely with

I agree completely with jman1601. When I took it, I was about 2 weeks into the no p/m/o experiment and feeling really desperate and anxious. It definitely didn't work the way I expected it to in terms of taking it and then getting rock-hard 30-60min later. I had to masturbate a bit and watch some porn.

However, I did notice that it didn't take as much stimulation to get the erection or as much continuous stimulation to maintain it. That's why I said it "sort of" worked but it's still the psychological initial arousal that isn't working for us.


that's kind a scarry. I thought those drugs are allmighty, or kinda hoped they were. well. I really hope Marnia's method will work. Fingers crossed. I mean I can't imagine living alone in mid 30's. This is probably what will happen, and more so If I won't fix the "little guy", but I don't want it to be this way. If not this bloody ED everything would be so much different. I worked hard in the past, I thought I planned everything right, but it turns out I left out the most important thing - my manhood. It's like in poker, you go "all in", and it turns out you hand is not that good after all.

I'd better not go into my story, it gets me upset. Irrelevant to the topic as well. It's just that some things you can't open up. Some things you gotta hold in, and it piles up, and it gets tough.