♥cold turkey, sex dreams...

Submitted by lotusman on
Printer-friendly version

My wife and I went cold turkey on orgasm and sexual touching about a month ago (I'm guessing we'd have orgasmic intercourse a few times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less...). About half the time, we're sticking to our scheduled bonding behaviors (dancing for 10 minutes, trading 5 minute hand/scalp massages). Holidays / colds have put an unusual constraint on our time.

After about two weeks, I noticed I'd had a wet dream. Off and on, too, I've awoken from some pretty vivid sex dreams. Last week, I woke up from a sex dream around 4:30. Then, while snuggling with my wife after she awoke an hour later, I started to fall asleep and fell right back into a sex dream. I woke up right away, shifted around, and a few minutes later, the same thing happened again.

I theorized that the cold turkey part of things might be playing havoc with my brain, so I suggested she massage my genitals while I breathed and focused on bonding and relaxing. Although she's very anxious that I'm going to lack self-control (I'll get turned on, want to do it, pressure her to do it, go for orgasm, etc.), she's still game to try it.

It did seem to cut down on the sex dreams. She's been sick the past couple days, we skipped the bonding behaviors and the massage, and, maybe coincidentally, maybe not, I had another sex dream last night.

While I would not consider myself a porn or orgasm addict previously (probably masturbated a few times a week; was not always searching for 'new' images; not interested in 'extreme' situations, etc...) I do feel I am obsessed with wanting my wife to approach feeling as much consistent 'mating' desire for me as I do for her, and have been for many years. It is a "deep trench" that I want to get out of.

Understanding habituation after reading your book and applying it to our relationship has helped me accept her feelings without taking it as personally as I used to. Understanding that the 'mating' song is not sustainable on its own, long term, I am also looking forward to transforming our sexual contact into a more bonding experience. I do not doubt she loves me and wants to be close to me. Losing the constant vigilance over whether she's "passionate" for me in the mating sense of the term would be a huge victory for both of us.

My hope is that the genital massage, as a bonding experience, will 1) give me practice receiving bonding sexual touch (which doesn't come from a 'hot sex' place, so doesn't require her to be 'hot', so doesn't require me to require her to be 'hot'...) and 2) give her practice learning to trust that I can forego 'hot sex' even when she is stimulating me (so she will have plenty of room to be genuine, reach out, and not become obligated to 'perform').

It'll be a huge benefit if it truly is keeping the dreams at bay!

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or similar experiences to share.

Thanks for sharing your story

It's a huge adjustment you two are experimenting with, and it's amazing how important that daily contact is. Even missing a day or two without some nurturing touch can cause a subtle alienation and frustration...just as you've experienced. I'd chalk the dreams up to that. However, it's a paradox, because too much stimulation can *also* cause them. It's really a case of "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears." Wink

On the other hand, it's kind of miraculous that simply having a partner lovingly hold or comfort your genitals could actually help keep you in balance, isn't it? Sounds like you have a good strategy there. You can also try taking turns on bonding behaviors, so you get your massage every other night while she gets something she chooses the other. Might improve her enthusiasm. Smile

Feel free to start a blog. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

my wife and I read the peace

my wife and I read the peace book together about 2 years ago and have been practicing since then...haven't actually done the exchanges yet but have been avoiding orgasm and doing lots of touching and 'petting'...anyhow, the wet dream thing...I went 6 months with no ejaculation/orgasm, and now its been 3 months, and I have recently had two sexual dreams which very much felt like orgasms happened, both times I woke up immediately and found no wetness of any kind on or around me...like a dry wet dream...but I have never heard of a dry wet dream...wondering what is going on...
or if anyone has had this kind of experience...

In the dream, which felt

In the dream, which felt very real, I was orgasming...very intensely...

for a week prior my wife and I had not shared a lot of touching because she had some surgery on her hand done...too painful to fool around much...I think after not releasing the sexual energy with a conventional orgasm, maybe one needs to always have lots of contact to keep the energy balanced and moving...?
We have been getting to close to the edge of orgasm when we make love, and are working on that...
Also. with spring finally arriving here, and getting some sun tanning and fresh air, the energy is stronger and wilder...I have always felt that surge of new fresh energy in the spring...
We are going to do the exchanges in the book, as soon as we can find it...we just moved...


About the "deep trench" you talk about, the unequality of desire you experience. It is my experience and observation that practicing karezza style love making really changes this. A lot of women become somewhat, and often complete, disinterested in sex, and I believe for a good reason. Without realizing it, conventional, goal oriented sex is really male style sex and follows the male way. You could say its basically lick, pump, squirt, snore. The masculine framework tends to follow a well worn pattern that begins with a direction, then the action, next the conclusion, and finally the rest. Call the "lick" the beginning of the direction, the "pump" the action, which is headed for the "squirt", the conclusion. And the final goal, the "snore" or rest.

Even if the "lick" is long and luxurious, the "pump" slow and sensuous, and the "squirt" shared together, the "snore" part wont really be appreciated by the feminine. Beginning, middle and end style sex is masculine, no matter how you drag it out or mix it up.

Now if you pull out the "squirt" you wont get the "snore" and without the "snore" it has no real beginning, middle and end. This is the essence of karezza love making, which by its nature is feminine oriented. The feminine way is "flow", follows the feeling and goes where it flows, no beginning, middle or end. With karezza the love making really never ends, you may get on with your day but the feeling stays with you and when you come back together you just continue on.

The interesting and surprising thing about feminine style love making, is that, unlike the masculine goal oriented lovemaking, both the man and woman are truly satisfied, even though it follows a more feminine way. It may take a while to really shift gears but when you do you'll both find it infinitely more fulfilling. The inequality of desire will dissipate and I believe you wife's appetite will surprise you. Be patient and stay committed, it will happen, as long as you both are willing.

we dug out the book...it

we dug out the book...it will be fun to finally do the exchanges...we are naturally very affectionate and touch each other a lot, and 3 years onto this relationship we are more attracted than ever to each other...I really agree that touching and loving contact, sexual or not, every day is like magic in a relationship...really glad this website is here because we have yet to find another couple that understands this way of life/relationship...feels like when you learn to work with your sexual energy in guiding it to promote health and energy and harmony, everything around you just clicks into place...I wish this awareness on all the people we know...we rarely engage in a discussion of 'non orgasmic' sex, and get the funniest reactions when it comes up...one woman friend, on hearing my wife say "sometimes it is a challenge to avoid orgasm" looked absolutely flabbergasted and shouted "what!? I have to work like heck just to get one, and you avoid them?!! Amazing how many people have never even considered or heard of the idea that you would not orgasm during sex (what's the point of sex then, they ask...)
we were flirting to close to the 'edge' for awhile, now we find it much easier to maintain a pleasantly high level of excitement for a longer period of time...there seems to be a cycle during the month when the energy is bigger, 'hotter', and I am paying more attention to this now...I don't want to schedule an ejaculation, just make sure that I channel the hotter energy when it happens...doing yoga every day helps...I used to think that I needed to ejaculate every once in a while to keep in optimum sexual health, but I don't know about that anymore...most of the tantric books say that sperm is reabsorbed when it is not passed out of the body, and I have never read that never ejaculating is harmful to male sexual health...any info on this anyone? Marnia?


I don't know what the "experts" say but I've been practicing sex without ejaculation for quite a few years with no I'll effects. I think this idea that you need to ejaculate every so often for health reasons is just nonsense. i'm 56 years old and am in excellent sexual health. No Viagra for me!!


Yes, I did use the perineum, or what in Taoist circles is called, the "external lock". Never noticed any ill effects, in fact only positive ones. Physically I didn't feel as "washed out" and my energy came back much quicker. Emotionally/mentally the external lock reduces the full rush you get from orgasming and somehow this diminished the urge to want orgasms in the future. I don't know what the science is but it clearly reduced the desire for them, at least for me it did.

With this said, I view this technique as a assist in moving beyond orgasm not something to be used all the time. The idea is to stay in the middle zone so you wont be getting that close to the edge in the first place. The better control is in awareness and observation not at the end of your fingers.

Did you notice more or a

Did you notice more or a difference in energy moving up the spine when using the lock? Does that change with time? I’ve observed more energy lately flying around. I have some ideas as to why, but I’m not sure. It’s a bit overwhelming.

Nope, never really noticed

Nope, never really noticed energy moving up the spine. The main reason I used the lock technique was to minimize the loss of energy. I could never get much into all the Taoist energy movement stuff. For me its all about the sweet feeling between me and my wife. Avoiding orgasm and keeping it slow does the trick for us. If I feel anything running up my back its usually the gentle caress of my wife's hands.

I assume you are practicing alone and in my opinion solo cultivation is a good way to tune into your own body in a different way. When it comes time to share with a partner it becomes a whole other experience.

okay, so that's positive

okay, so that's positive feedback...feel great so far so I 'll just keep right on going and see how things go...I did try the perineum point, or the "million dollar point" as it was called in the book I read, to reduce the loss of energy and semen when I went to past the point of no return...didn't like the feeling, like I blocked something and kind of made it stuffy...but it did greatly reduce the feeling of lost vitality...that was awhile ago, though, at this point we are enjoying a less intensity and more prolonged experience...like our relationship is sexually maturing...I also read lots of stuff on feeling energy flowing here and there in the body, but that, I would agree, is not what is important and not what I what to try for...its the greater loving connection in all moments of every day...feeling a general sense of higher energy and vitality is reward enough after that...