FAILURE!!! On day 24

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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Update~
Porn or Masturbation: 26 days clean
Orgasm: 1 Day clean
Marijuana: 12 Days Clean
Cigs: 2 Days Clean

Hello all, 2 Days ago (day 24) I could no longer control my urges and went to a local Massage Parlor and ended up getting a massage with a "Happy Ending" (extremely intense orgasm). I was so dissapointed with myself after words but decided it was in the past and time to move on. I still have no urge to look at porn or masturbate but my erections were so intense through out the last week I felt like I had to get some type of release. After the release I felt very relaxed, tired ... a little social anxiety an hour or 2 following but after 48 hours I don't feel any/many after effects.

Binging on porn and M crossed my mind momentarily but I know what it will do too my body and mind and have very little urge to do so. During the actual massage I shared with the masseuse about how I was practicing this abstinence/no orgasm approach for the last 3-4 weeks to clear my mind, focus my energy on more productive things and to rewire my brain. She thought I was crazy and "masturbation is normal" and of course I never mentioned I was severely addicted to porn. But after sharing my feelings with her I'd have to say it felt good telling a person face to face.

Anyways back on DAY 2 of no orgasm... (also decided to quit cigs... 36 hours clean )I'll try to go another month+ and see what happens. But I KNOW I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO PORN!!! Now I just have to stop getting these damn massages.... it is so difficult without a girlfriend.... to be continued....

Edit: I forgot to mention my possible triggers... It was New Years Eve and I had ZERO plans, I felt lonely and bored. Also all my morning erections didn't seem to help. I haven't had morning wood in years due to Porn related ED... I'm sure I'll get used to them and do my best to ignore in the future lol.

Happy New Years All! - Confinement

Gotsta say

I'm curious about the Happy Ending (sounds like a Chinese Dish)
But first, congrats on the work you've done. No porn for 21 days is great. It would be enough time to teach you something. Taking on the cigarette addiction is huge.
It seems you went for the massage with the goal of cumming. Is the masseuse then porn? a prostitute? an angel from heaven seeking to save all mankind in need of serious education? Was the orgasm negotiated ahead of time? or did you just present your wood? Was there an extra charge bargained for, or a generous tip assumed by all? Did you discuss your program of abstinence before or after cumming? Do you think it was her idea to challange your resolve? or was it clear that you wanted the orgasm?
Best Wishes

Yes Chela you are correct, I

Yes Chela you are correct, I absolutely went to get a massage with 1 goal in mind, cumming. No Porn ... No prostitute. There was no negotiations, no bargaining ahead of time. Just a generous tip. And yes I told her about my abstinence long before " the flip" when I was still laying on my stomach. We had a long conversation about many other things as well (she is actually going for her masters degree and supports her 2 younger siblings, not what you would imagine like some drug addict whore). She was fully clothed and I didn't even attempt to think of any old images of porn in my head. In fact I was trying to think of anything BUT sex or woman to distract myself from cuming lol. Ironic isn't it?

As I said in a previous post I also wanted to "test" myself and see how long I could go without premature ejaculation seeing as I have never gone 1 day w/o masturbating in 14-15 years, and most my sexual experiences were pretty pathetic due to Porn-related ED (safe to say my ED is gone). It was fear of the unknown for me and now I feel a lot better knowing even after 24 days I was able to withhold an orgasm for quite some time with a pretty woman giving me a HJ. I know it sounds like I'm just trying to make excuses and maybe I am? ( I can't tell anymore). Do I need to quit getting massages? Heck Ya! But at least I didn't binge on porn and masturbation after words. I will NEVER go back to porn,drugs and cigs!!! Quit getting massages will probably be the hardest for me but I plan to go another 25~30 days at least. Baby steps. :) Thanks for your support.

You're taking on PMO and pot

You're taking on PMO and pot and cigarettes all at once. How can you fail?

I'm also curious about the happy ending. I think that means a hand job or oral sex depending on the place, but the point is orgasm.

You could just avoid the massage parlor.

I think your erections will get less intense if you suffer through them for a bit. Let us know.

I hear you about New Year's. I had no plans either, but found a girl online just to hang out with for a few hours. It was pleasant enough even though we didn't meetup until about 1am. I got out, did some stuff on my own, and got to chat some while roaming the streets. More than enough for my simple needs. Although next year I think it is about time I have someone to kiss.

Ya I have been warned about

Ya I have been warned about quitting multiple addictions at once (though really quit dates about 2 weeks apart).

Quite honestly I find quitting the Porn and masturbation easy for me, deleted all vids,pics,links files,added a site blocker nearly 4 weeks ago and never looked back. But also it was easy for me because I had a serious case of sexual exhaustion.. and never want to go through that again. Like frequent urination, excessive sweating,mild depression, low energy, ED, acne, anxiety etc. Since quitting PMO/cardio/vitamins/diet changes.. that all went away for me and I feel 100% better. I'm not willing to look at pixels of woman on the PC to get all those side-effects again... EVER.

The Marijuana (smoked for 10 years daily) was also very easy for me to quit. The biggest issue I had was lack of appetite and difficulty sleeping but only for the 1st 3-4 days. No longer interested in the stoner life-style. Time to grow up.

Cigs.... Trying to quit smoking cigarettes is very difficult for me. Right now I use the 1 MG gum which seems to take the edge off. I run 3-4 miles every day (down to 10.5% body fat) for the last month to flush my system as well as drinking A LOT of water. Anyways I have been clean almost 2 days now and I feel like I have gone to far to go back.

Quit getting massages is pretty difficult...probably because I make excuses in my head of why it is ok like...
1. I just get HJ, no oral, no sex,she doesn't get naked, just a release... in my mind... no real chance of getting a disease. A FULL body massage would include the nether regions right? lol.
2. It is cheap, for a 30 dollar tip... I get an awesome full body massage(legit), get to chat with a sweet girl, and a release at the end.
3.Massage Parlors are EVERYWHERE AROUND ME!! There's literally 1 on every other block in this city. (just bought a new house, cant move)
4.I don't have a Girlfriend... nor do I want one until I've been sober from marijuana for at least 60days, though I have been chatting a lot with woman on OKCupid.com and a few other dating sites. Since quitting pot my personality is changing. I don't want to take on a commitment with a woman I may really like while detoxing from weed... not to mention detox from Porn,masturbation etc. Once I have a GF... I will quit in a heart beat.

As far as your advice on just dealing with the erections and hoping they will become less intense... I will definitely try that. Thanks for the advice.

Sounds good. I think

Sounds good. I think beginners luck is just that. I too thought piece of cake on the porn end. Masturbation was harder, but I had no outlet at all. Then I become more friendly with a girl and that stopped for a while. But it was just beginners luck. It fell apart and about 5 months for me to pull back together. If the going seems good, use the time to attack the underlying motivations. And if you're relying on massage parlors, you're fooling yourself just like I did with the girl. You've gut to unhook for yourself by yourself as much as possible.

If you need a massage, find some big ugly guy to do that for now. Or find an okcupid cutie to share back rubs with. Some of them might be thrilled to have less sexual pressure. Use Marnia's studying toaism line. Maybe you don't have to be so honest if you're not considering them as GFs.

Finding real women...

to hang out with while you experience detox, as long as there are boundaries, seems to me a good thing. How else will you experience bonding behaviors? If you find a person who is cool and understands what you are going through why not? You both can set any rules you want. I think that the simple social interaction is a powerful balm for people going through withdrawal and trying to rearrange their brain wiring. I am also starting to understand for myself how I need outside input from face to face counselors and/or guys in a meeting struggling with similar issues. The "talking cure."

"I asked my doctor about Karezza and now I have an enormous penis!"

Quite honestly,

I think you should be very pleased with your progress. How you go about your recovery is up to you. None of us are in your shoes. I'm sure it's a great feeling to know your body is working well again. And letting go of those other addictions is a sign of good things, too.

*big hug*

It seems like youve

It seems like youve identified the things that might be causing you problems. Thats great. Handling all of your addictions will help. It might cause you to experience some major personality changes, which can be pretty horrifying at times, but at the same time, liberating.

When I first realized I had a problem with sexual addiction, I realized it while struggling to figure out why I couldnt stop going to prostitutes and massage parlors. It seemed like these things were my extreme escalation from porn. And thinking back, I remember the point where I was thinking "hmm, porn isnt working any more, I need to step this up a notch!"

What helped me at the time was SLAA. I found a lot of other guys who had been through the same addictions. It was relieving to look both men and women in the eye and talk about my problem. I felt like it was the first time I had really opened up to another human being. In short it was a deeply healing experience at a time when i was experiencing an enormous amount of shame.

Either way, whether this is affecting you a lot or a little, you are headed in the right direction with your resolve to get your addictions and sexual life to a manageable level.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.
-Aristotle

I gotta agree

I think Marnia has it right. You are doing awesome and your life is changing radically. Good for you brother. You can't be hard on yourself (no pun intended) when you slip up. I applaud you.
- bbwingz

This shouldn't be called failure.

Just a small detour on the new road you're traveling on. Good job staying away as long as you did. Initial withdrawal is tougher than subsequent withdrawals, at least that has been the case for me.

Good luck.

"I asked my doctor about Karezza and now I have an enormous penis!"