♥1 Year long distance occasional porn

Submitted by YourSmileIsMyLuck on
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Hello. I was on this site about 1 year ago but haven't found my old login. I would like to share my updated experience and also ask any new advice.

I masturbated daily to internet porn since I was 11, considered it a totally normal part of my life. While growing up, I noticed some behaviors written this website: when I didn't masturbate, I had more "dating success" :) and was more attractive around women, at the same time also felt more "in love"!

I was about 6 months into a quite significant relationship when I discovered the ideas on this site and related it with others from my personal/spiritual development (mainly Christian). Often, I stayed 4-5 days without masturbating, which seemed to increase my empathy, understanding, trust and "positiveness" about the relationship. Such lifechanging conclusions on this website that I made lots of use of it in my relationship.

Most importantly, we were (and still are) not a "committed" couple: even though we were friends in person for months, our romance started just days before we returned to our countries of origin. I believe in taking initiative in important life questions. Have done that for about a year now (I emphasize again: in combination with my religious values) while working on concrete solutions to our love (plans about moving in together, etc.). After parting, we have seen each other again only twice. Once after 9 months, and then after 3 months. But we have massive interaction with each other, daily and with real-life proportions (mutual university-related projects, helping on coursework, etc.).

My experience has been the following:
- when abstaining from porn and masturbation for 2-3 days, it made me much more positive about her, and somehow our interaction (despite long distance) was blissful.
- but if I abstained too long (more than 1 week), I started get stressed, especially feeling the distance and more strongly the lack of her physical presence AND feeling craving for other women whom I met daily.
- I did try to abstain completely (as suggested on the website) to shut down permanently, but it always led to the stress I mention above (strong lack of her presence, strong craving for physically available women). So, for the sake of our love, in those situations I returned to porn. When I did so, it restored my "long distance relationship balance".

- Over the past 5 months, I reduced internet porn and switched to simulating/imagining sex with HER when masturbating. This was great, and I felt that this led to an even better relationship empathy!!
BUT it probably made the post-orgasm effects even worse: even if things were really really becoming very good relationship-wise (more hints at us becoming an actual married couple), I often felt the need to be on my own and sometimes even the idea of leaving her. Which is exactly what the website talks about.

I know this website is mainly for "real life" couples, and I hope I and her will be one soon. But until then I feel that many many things have depended on how I acted on my sexual urges. I know for sure that if I don't orgasm at all, I automatically crave for other women.

Basically I'm here to ask whether, given the really long distance and really long periods of time between which we meet physically, it may actually be more productive to return to occasional porn.

Have you tried pushing

Have you tried pushing beyond a week? Can you explain the cravings and stress at one week to yourself? Have you tried channeling the energy or even talking about it with her? Be careful not to over rely on her being in your life.

Abstinence is not about shutting down temporarily or permanently.

Don't go back to porn. If you must, masturbate with as little thinking as possible and as much awareness of your own mind and body as possible.

I've done 3 weeks a few

I've done 3 weeks a few times and once 2 months.

I think the cravings after the first week are "natural", as this website also states on some pages. Furthermore, it is related to the fact that by not masturbating my sexual availability rises and since I am around many people (including women) in my daily life, they are somehow more attracted.
Biologically speaking, when I don't masturbate it's as if I'm a single and more naturally prone to pairing behavior ( = craving physical presence of a woman )

My decision for relying on her to be in my life is the reason for which I am here and led by my life circumstances, values and mission (which is obviously related to religion), and I have used the information on this website specifically towards that purpose. To the question "What would you do with your life if you should die tomorrow?" my answer is "Put all my effort, in pleasure or pain, towards making a relationship possible with the woman I love".
Long story short:
Yes, I am aware that long distance is not an easy task (many couples I know have dissolved because of distance), but that's why I am using all these efforts, spiritual and physical, to stay inspired and keep achieving the results I have achieved so far!

Dealing with a long distance relationship

I don't think anyone on this forum would recommend viewing porn. Smile

It sounds like you still crave hot sex and orgasm.

After about three months of NO masturbation or orgasms (and about a year of infrequent orgasms before that), the craving for orgasms faded away for me. These days I enjoy bonding behaviors as much as, sometimes even more than sex or karezza. So - maybe - avoiding masturbation for a few months would cause some (unwanted?) cravings to go away for you too.

Perhaps when you are feeling lonely, you could fantasize, NOT about sex, but about bonding behaviors. Imagine holding your sweetheart in your arms, snuggling up, spooning... You could fantasize by yourself, or crawl into bed, call your sweetheart, and enjoy some quiet time together, listening to each other's breathing and imagining being together.

Some related links:
What's it like to go without orgasm? http://www.reuniting.info/node/1505
Is sex necessary? http://www.reuniting.info/node/3111
Update/E.D. http://www.reuniting.info/node/4000
How To Create Deep Attraction http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2rZqgkVDlg

How did this

[quote=CuriousFellow]After about three months of NO masturbation or orgasms (and about a year of infrequent orgasms before that), the craving for orgasms faded away for me. These days I enjoy bonding behaviors as much as, sometimes even more than sex or karezza. So - maybe - avoiding masturbation for a few months would cause some (unwanted?) cravings to go away for you too.

Perhaps when you are feeling lonely, you could fantasize, NOT about sex, but about bonding behaviors. Imagine holding your sweetheart in your arms, snuggling up, spooning... You could fantasize by yourself, or crawl into bed, call your sweetheart, and enjoy some quiet time together, listening to each other's breathing and imagining being together.[/quote]

How did this thinking shift translate into shifts in actions for you? My thinking has totally shifted. I'm more inlined with my core thinking which is overall very good. My actions never happened with the old thinking or new yet so it is impossible to know what any of the new thinking exactly means. I have noticed that I precum less. I see that as a physical shifting of energy to elsewhere in my body. I'm also much more aware of an actively pushing bonding behaviors. It feels weird to think about hot sex now.

reply to freedom

[quote=freedom]
How did this thinking shift translate into shifts in actions for you? My thinking has totally shifted. I'm more inlined with my core thinking which is overall very good. My actions never happened with the old thinking or new yet so it is impossible to know what any of the new thinking exactly means. I have noticed that I precum less. I see that as a physical shifting of energy to elsewhere in my body. I'm also much more aware of an actively pushing bonding behaviors. It feels weird to think about hot sex now.[/quote]

This is exactly how I felt at times, especially when I didn't have any other stress.
I could almost think as if masturbation became, to me, more the part of an anti-stress pattern rather than an expression of sexual energy.

Not sure I understand your

Not sure I understand your question, Freedom, so if this doesn't answer it, ask again.

Not craving hot sex and orgasm results in me preferring karezza and avoiding orgasm as much as I can.

Enjoying bonding behaviors as much as karezza means that if my wife is not available or not in the mood for karezza, it doesn't bother me. I don't get sulky and resentful. I'm delighted to just snuggle up with her and get high on the warmth and skin-to-skin contact.

(Marnia, I nominate this thread for a heart symbol.)

Reply to CF

[quote=CuriousFellow]I don't think anyone on this forum would recommend viewing porn. Smile
It sounds like you still crave hot sex and orgasm.[/quote]
Not even as some form of non-sexual relief? I don't know. Sometimes I feel that it isn't "myself", but almost like a social effect, in order not to be a hermit and so on.

[quote]Perhaps when you are feeling lonely, you could fantasize, NOT about sex, but about bonding behaviors. Imagine holding your sweetheart in your arms, snuggling up, spooning... You could fantasize by yourself, or crawl into bed, call your sweetheart, and enjoy some quiet time together, listening to each other's breathing and imagining being together.[/quote]

Great advice! Oh, yes, I often crawled into bed in the past year :D "imagining" her with me.
I'll try and see whether this can substitute the whole orgasm deal.
I'll try, I'll try.

EDIT:
I get "Access Denied" to some of your links.

A question. What is the "How to create attraction?" video about? I am consciously avoiding any lifestyle that is non-conducive to long-distance relationships, and in my experience so far, I felt as if attraction "here" is quite different from attraction between 3000 miles of distance...

answers, and more about long distance relationships

"Not even as some form of non-sexual relief?"

Uhhh, porn would give you non-sexual(?!?) relief? LOL!

Maybe you are different, but porn used to make me horny and want an orgasm. It caused arousal, not relief. These days I find it completely uninteresting and somewhat repulsive.

"I get "Access Denied" to some of your links."

You have to be logged in to Reuniting to view one of them.

"What is the "How to create attraction?" video about?"

Among other things, Sean Stephenson mentions a couple (non-physical) characteristics than men find attractive about women, and a couple that women find attractive about men. I think they would apply in a long-distance relationship as well.

I mentioned that video as "related" mainly because at one point Sean says something like "You don't _need_ another person to feel love." (And pointed out two ways to interpret that statement.) You can simply imagine it, and get some of the benefits as if there was a real person in your life to love and to love you. It's related in that it supports what I was saying about bonding behavior fantasy.

While I'm here... a cautionary tale about long-distance relationships (and fantasy): Once, while going out with some friends, I met a girl and we really seemed to hit it off. She was easy to talk to. (This was at a time when I was very socially awkward.) A few days after meeting her that one time, she moved 10000 miles away. Over the next three years we exchanged lots of letters. (This was before the days of email and cheap phone service.) I fell in love and imagined that we might get married. Eventually we met again - and I was devastated to find that she was not at all like I had "remembered" and imagined her. She seemed cold and not as beautiful as a picture I had of her. The attraction was totally gone. After a few days I simply stopped seeing her and moved on.

My point is, be careful about long distance relationships. Don't let your imagination - your ideas about what the other person is like, or what it is like to be together - get too far out of touch with reality. Get together every few months or more often. Talk on the phone often (or if you aren't talkative, just enjoy listening to each other breathe.)

I don't think that warning applies to you, Lucky. It sounds like you have spent some time with your sweetheart and know her reasonably well, and it sounds like you are in frequent contact by phone. My warning is for other readers who may be in long distance relationships.

Willpower, faithfulness and friendship above attraction

[quote=CuriousFellow]Uhhh, porn would give you non-sexual(?!?) relief? LOL! [...] It caused arousal, not relief.[/quote]
I mean masturbation with orgasm to porn. On the one hand it gave me a raw alternative to physical work-out, on the other hand it helped me, in many ways, to NOT need to follow the herd when I was a teenager (sexual satisfaction through porn vs peer pressure promiscuity - who is the lesser evil? :P )

[quote]Among other things, Sean Stephenson mentions a couple (non-physical) characteristics than men find attractive about women, and a couple that women find attractive about men. I think they would apply in a long-distance relationship as well.[/quote]
I don't want to come across as an ungrateful close-minded bigot, but I feel gender stereotypes and dating generalizations are what have caused most "relationship issues" to me in the past and maybe misunderstandings to others, too. Don't you think? :)
I can infer something from your passage I quote below the next quote...

[quote]It's related in that it supports what I was saying about bonding behavior fantasy.[/quote]
Makes sense, as long as I by doing so I am not led to unfaithful thoughts.

[quote]Eventually we met again - and I was devastated to find that she was not at all like I had "remembered" and imagined her. She seemed cold and not as beautiful as a picture I had of her. The attraction was totally gone. After a few days I simply stopped seeing her and moved on.[/quote]
Let me tell you my story (not to judge anyone, just to share):
Before coming here the first time, I had been since long developing an idea of love - based on Christian ideals of agape, altruism, unconditionality - that detaches from "chemical" attraction. Somehow the information I learned here gave it a very strong real-life support, amidst a world full of sex-oriented attitudes.
What made most sense to me is that when I and her were still "just friends", I had no sexual attraction for her and even still think that if I didn't use all these mind gimmicks to outsmart the conventional labels, we would probably be "best friends" today. Yet, I was sexually satiated/satisfied thanks to my daily porn ritual and didn't "need" any woman (perhaps my masturbation is extremely vivid). So our love was mostly developed from "friendship". I do fear changes in this aspect, too, but I put all my conscious effort to stay in touch and "update" in every possible way.
The first time I saw her after many months I also noticed the physical changes, maybe she noticed the same in me, too, yet our other aspects were more important. And willpower, of course!
This is quite in line with Christianity, and from what I see around, perfectly fits the idea of exclusive and faithful monogamy (marriage) and non-separation (never divorcing) - the main enemies of which seem to be decreasing attraction and such things. I'm neither a priest nor a scientist to say this is THE truth, and may be different for each person (mine is quite particular both due to the distance and the pre-romantic friendship), but this is my current experience and has led me extremely FAR :)

Thanks for the rest :) and would still appreciate any further discussion/feedback.

stereotypes, generalizations, assumptions

"I don't want to come across as an ungrateful close-minded bigot, but I feel gender stereotypes and dating generalizations are what have caused most "relationship issues" to me in the past and maybe misunderstandings to others, too. Don't you think?"

I think the danger lies in believing that certain generalizations are ALWAYS true, and also in assuming that other people think the same way we do, have the same values as we do, etc.

An example of incorrect assumptions could occur with partners who have different love languages (see 5lovelanguages.com). One partner might express love through physical touch. The other might express by giving lots of little gifts. The Toucher might be giving lots of touch and not getting much back, and wonder what is wrong with the relationship. She isn't responding to my hugs - does she not love me? Meanwhile she is thinking, he doesn't appreciate my gifts - does he not love me? The incorrect assumption in this case is that everyone expresses and feels love in the same way.

I don't think it's harmful to seek out relationship advice. Sometimes we can learn new and valuable things. Just don't swallow advice uncritically. Ask yourself, and your partner, if the advice makes sense and applies to your situation.

this is an amazing story. at

this is an amazing story. at least to me it is. especially the part about porn restoring your relationship balance. that's something else man. you said: "when I didn't masturbate, I had more "dating success" and was more attractive around women," this is something i read a lot on this site but i've never actually noticed it applied to me ever. strange. that must make me exceptional.

To rayjay

[quote=rayjay]especially the part about porn restoring your relationship balance. that's something else man.[/quote]
Beware, it's just my perception, not a scientific statement :P Consider all of this within the context of my specific story and situation (pre-romantic friendship, Christian love, distance, etc.)

[quote]you said: "when I didn't masturbate, I had more "dating success" and was more attractive around women," this is something i read a lot on this site but i've never actually noticed it applied to me ever. strange. that must make me exceptional.[/quote]
Yes, I have felt this very strongly in the past, before coming to this website and even before becoming religious. In my later teens (18-19) I purposely abstained from porn on the days before important parties / prom nights because it made me more "sexually available/attractive" and as expected led me to score greater "hits". But I'm not like that anymore!

abstinence and attractiveness

[quote]you said: "when I didn't masturbate, I had more "dating success" and was more attractive around women," this is something i read a lot on this site but i've never actually noticed it applied to me ever. strange. that must make me exceptional.[/quote]
Yes, I have felt this very strongly in the past, before coming to this website and even before becoming religious. In my later teens (18-19) I purposely abstained from porn on the days before important parties / prom nights because it made me more "sexually available/attractive" and as expected led me to score greater "hits". But I'm not like that anymore![/quote]

can you explain how this is the case? or why this is the case? i don't notice being received differently nor have i ever due to abstaining. and as far as the "hits" coming as you expected, this says basically that the results are close to guaranteed, all because of abstinence. i'm very confused by this concept.

No idea

It was just my perception and in line with what is said in this website I think
(I read it exactly in one of the articles, that trying to quit porn can help in dating etc.)

Thanks for sharing your experience

My nosey question is, "What do you plan to do once you're living together?" Smile What schedule will you be on as far as orgasm goes?

I can't imagine that today's porn is ever helpful. It's too stimulating. Occasional masturbation (focusing not on fantasy, but on actual slow, sensual touch) may have a role, unless you're one of those folks who can successfully employ the energy circulation practices: http://yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools

But the bottom line is that you have to decide what works best for you, just as you have. Smile

Future planning

[quote=Marnia]My nosey question is, "What do you plan to do once you're living together?" Smile What schedule will you be on as far as orgasm goes?[/quote]

Depends also on her, of course, but I'll try to convert her to our practices here :P I'm sure about making babies, too.

For now though, one step at a time :D

Hello

I just wanted to ask whether anyone else had similar experiences such as myself.

I truly feel there's a difference between "visual/fake" satisfaction and the actual person loved.

Fine but requires strong commitment

Still in different countries. It is difficult to find work there, but I keep trying my best. We met each other again a few times, and I surprised her as well :)

I still feel that when visual/fake is satisfied/saturated (e.g. porn or imagining her) I feel more empathy towards her on a day-to-day basis, whereas if I abstain I am more likely to look at and think about other women.

Abstained on days before seeing her which was beneficial to connecting with each other on those days.

Simply incredible how libido can influence our lives...

So true

It's all ultimately a perception game, and how we manage our sex lives has a huge influence on our perception. Glad you're figuring out what works for you.

I once read that Japanese men going off to war would present their wives with a stone penis, carved exactly to their...um...proportions, so their spouses could fantasize about sex with them in their absence. Not sure what the men got up to. Wink

Maybe a degree of fantasy is useful for pair bonders like us in each other's absence. Smile