My story and my journey towards recovery (masturbation not so much porn)

Submitted by Elemental on
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Hi everyone!

I am suffering from memory problems, mental fog, fatigue and other stuff many others
here struggle with. The post is badly written with lots of spelling mistakes and
horrible grammar and chaotic structure as my head just does not function as it is
supposed to anymore and I am too tired to work hard at trying to clean it up. Sorry
about that.

I think my sexual problems started when I started masturbating at arround age 11 or
so. It felt very good to do it but in hindsight it is clear to me that I either did
not orgasms at all, just had the pleasure of
ejaculating, or I had very weak half backed orgasms. I know this now because
experiements have shown me what real orgasms sort of look like. I think I did at the
time have some sort of pelvis contractions, but because I was so much in my head and
so focused on control I did not let go at all and minimized the pleasure from the
get go. I think because of the dimished pleasure and inability to let go I started
having very prolonged sessions a lot of the time as I almost enjoyed the build up
the most but despite this also had some qucik sessions right after each other so I
think I had an average frequency of 2-3 ejaculations a day. THis pattern stayed
untill about a year and a half ago when I tried to not come so much although I still
could not stop masturbating. This led to my sessions become extreemely prolonged,
often for hours.

In my teens I was very poppular and cool and I have also always been quite good
looking so girls liked me, however I had no clue how to make the first move or what
to do to get a particular girl interested in me. Fortunately some girls started
making out with me in stead. After that I manned up and pursued a couple of girls
that I eventually had sex with and got more or less pulled to bed by a couple of
others in situations where I felt too confused and unsure about myself again to take
the initiative.

From about this point I started struggling with heavy depression and anxiety and it
remained for years. Because of that almost all sexual or romantic contact with women
stopped. I almost never did anything to puruse them as my self esteem was too low
and my anxiousness too high. I am sure I also came of as a lot less attractive to
women as well so fewer got interested. I did not normally understand the signals
from those I now know were interested because I doudbted myself so much and when I
did understand I usually did not have the guts to do anything. On rare occasions I
made out with someone.

THrough hard work I have been able to get out of most of my depression and anxiety.
THe last couple of years have been diffrerent. I have started having sex with women
again. All those years standing on the sideline observing apparently thought me the
subtelties of attraction so that when I started feeling more confident I suddenly
knew quite well how to attract women and I can now read their levels of interest. I
can even attract models now.

As happy as I am about this there remains a lot of problems. Because of being in my
head, because of extreeme psychosomatic tensions and because of forcefull and
prolonged masturbation to fantazies and porn I am able to feel next to nothing when
having sex. Because there is no feeling and because I am also so rigid and bound I
have problems touching in a sensual manner, be it others or myself. I have found
though that I am able to "fake" sensuality with women so that they are very happy
with the sex while I still feel next to nothing. I am able able to do this a couple
of times and then I don`t bother anymore and don`t want to have sex with the girl
anymore because of the effort and disapointment of feeling nothing. THis coupled
with the fact that it feels wrong to have sex when I can`t really feel neither
pleasure, connection nor intimacy even though these are girls I could have felt that
with have made me stopp having sex even though I can. I don`t want to have anymore
sex that does not feel right. That does not mean I ahve to be in love or anything
jsut that I have to be albe to feel sexual pleasure well and I have to feel a strong
attraction and a certain amount of intimacy.

Also because of the tense and prolonged masturbation my sexual energy is completely
drained and I experience fatigue, mental fog and memory problems.

When I go even just a day wihtout masturbation I feel much better and I start to
feel a nice energy. It often seems to come out of the perineum, from the kidneys
down to the perineum and then up or the dan tien then down to the perineum and then
up. Eventually it spreads across the whole body. If I go two or three days I feel
amazing. Four days and I am almost drenched in the energy. I went 7 days a couple of
months a go and about 12 or 14 a year ago. Once I get close to seven and beyond the
energy is just insane. I get SOOOO relaxed and energized. Just a couple of days of
abstinence and people start to notice my skin and I get a sort of sexual charge in
my face and girls start eying me on the subway. I also notice that when I have some
of this energy I look at girls differently. It gives me sexual confidence and I seem
to look at them from a place of surplus not lack. Because of that they respond to me
differently. Last time I was on day four I looked at two really hot girls on the
buss and despite them being with their boyfriends they keept looking back at me and
holding eye contact for a long time again and again (perhpas they need to do some
bonding behaviours with their men:)).

Despite the amazing buildup of energy it does not suffice to fix the memory
problems, restore my sex drive or fix my fatigue. It does help with the memory, the
fog gets less, and my energy is much better but it is like I have an amazing energy
combined with feeling like shit. Kind of like if you slept too little one day but
went for a long jog and you have the wonderfull relaxing and energizing feeling of
endorphins running through your body while you are still very tired. So I think I
need to go for much longer. Or have a regular pattern of at elast 4 days in between
each session for a long time. Now I deplete myself with binges again after each time
I manage to go a few days.

I am a bit puzzled by the fact that I feel this energy so strongly. Much more than
most people normally report. Maybe that means I am extra depleted or it means I have
an unusually large suply of sexual energy I just haven`t noticed because my excess
kept it at bay. I have also read people report their memory and fatigue problems
lifting after just a week of abstinence so some people get that effect much stronger
than me though they still do not report feeling as amazing.

When I went for seven days I did occasionally feel much more intense horniness and
every time after some abstinence I feel much more pleasure. However, it is still
more of an obsessive mindset rather than real lust that drives me. Whenever I wait
untill the obsessive I have got to masturbate now thoughts have gone, I can feel my
body almost aching and telling me "please don`t do this I don`t have the energy
yet". It seems that to build up my sexual energy to were I feel a real surplus for
sexual activity I need to go for a long time without masturbation.

Anyway, my problems have more sources than masturbation. I did get burned out from
pushing myself way, way too hard and chronic stress not just depletion of my sexual
energy. I have been adressing that and getting slow but steady results. It seems
like whenever my breath starts flowing freely then almost all of my memory and
fatigue problems go away instantly. It is still too constricted and not flowing
freely other than for a couple of minutes every now and then. But I have gotten
steady results in freeing it up for a couple of months now and feel on the verge of
getting it truly free.

Another avenue to healing myself has been working with my organs acording to chinese
medical theory through acupuncture and qigong. THe lungs are connected to sadness,
bundaries, strength, courage, confidence, depression ++. Mine feel like they are
wrecked. THrough acupuncture and qigong they have become much better and sometimes
after a session they sort of tip over into feeling quite good and then I feel
instantly not fatigued, my head becomes clear and my mind powerfull again. As a
consequence of the lungs getting better the kidneys, which are key for memory in TCM
also become better and that boost my memory as well. THese effects I have not been
having for more than about half an hour. I have been sort of on the edge of the
lungs getting in shape for a couple of months now and I am hoping to make some sort
of breakthrough there soon. I have also felt effects from acupuncture and qigong on
my spleen do a lot to clear my head and fatigue. And I am working extra on it these
days. It seems to progress much better than the lungs.

So I seem to have three avenues of fixing my most imediate problems. Some sort of
celibacy seems to have the power to over a long time fix enough of my problems to
start functionin again. Healing the lungs and freeing the breath also both seem to
have this power and fixing the spleen maybe as well. Fixing just one of these would
of course not solve all my issues but from the glimpses I get it seems each has the
power to get my brain and body to function well enough again to start studying full
time again, do well and be fairly happy. However addressing all of these, breath,
lungs, kidneys, spleen, sexual energy.

I also do a lot of physical exercise and some acupressure in addition to the qigong.
THat has helped a lot in harmonizing my mind and building mental strength. I think
that with the additional strength that will come from doing more of it in the time
to come that I weel feel a lot better because of it and also bulid the strength I
need to overcome my masturbation addiction. Whenver I feel in particulary good shape
I feel so much more will power to resist the temptation.

I will be wrting more her trying to analyze my challenges further, lay strategies and give updates on my successes and failures to keep myself acountable to someone.

Elemental

Interesting story

It takes time and consistency for the brain to return to balance, and there's no standard list of symptoms that recover on a specific schedule. It does seem like two months is a big turning point. But that's two much of pretty much no stimulation. You might find some of these accounts informative, even though most are from the porn-afflicted: http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts

It's pretty exciting that things are turning around, however slowly.

I've enabled you to blog, in case you want to keep your journal that way. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers