I have a dilemma that I hope someone can give me some advice on. I was addicted to porn and masturbation for many years. I've been married 24 years and other than my sex addiction our marriage has been good. My wife, a non-practicing marriage and family counselor discovered my addiction through my internet history about 6 years ago. Since then the pornography has not been a problem and in the last 2 years there has been no compulsive masturbation. Of course when we are doing well sexually I begin to feel like my old self and notice more objectification of women and less attraction to my wife. I also am compelled to masturbate more often, say once every few weeks. Unfortunately through my work with addiction counselors and SAA groups my wife and I came up with an addiction contract about 3 years ago that stated I would refrain from masturbation and if I did I would tell my wife within 48 hours. I have failed this contract three times in three years and my wife feels that she can never trust me again. She has asked me for a divorce and I am somewhat bewildered.
My wife is a leader of a Co Sex addicts group and is very adamant about setting strong boundaries. I do understand this to a certain extent but our marriage is not a bad one except for this one area. I feel that your ideas about masturbation and porn addiction are the most logical and scientifically based that I have read about. My wife though seems to feel there is much choice in the matter and I have chosen to hurt her too many times. I am desperate to save this good marriage and have not had any help from conventional therapists. One, in fact, said just get used to the idea you are going to get divorced. I am tired of the negativity and lack of objectivity of the marriage and addiction therapists I have seen. I read "Peace Between the Sheets" when it first came out but my wife and I were in a rough spot and she was not receptive to trying any of the excercises. I doubt she would be receptive now as we have not had any physical contact in 7 months. It breaks my heart because I want the same thing as my wife a strong intimate marriage. If at all possible could you please give me and my wife some advice on where we can go from here to heal our marriage.
With warm regards,