♥ Marnia, Oprah and Dr. Laura Berman

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Submitted by Rachel on
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So Oprah has a new network (OWN--Oprah Winfrey Network) and I was excited to see that Dr. Laura Berman (a sex therapist) has a new show called "In the Bedroom."

It is an hour-long show and each show chronicles a couple who needs "help in the bedroom" and their therapy and journey back to a sexual relationship.

Now, I love Dr. Berman and think she has a lot of good advice. However, while watching the show, I kept wanting Marnia to show up and give BETTER advice!!! I could tell that even though the doctor gave them some temporary fixes (like showing the man how to help his wife achieve orgasm), I would just bet that if you revisited that couple in a year, things would be back to the way they were.

One thing that is interesting to me and I'd love your feedback~~in both the shows I've watched, the wife had started out loving sex and then stopped wanting it, while the man still desperately wanted it and could even say exactly (to the day) when they had last had it, lol.

Do you think some women instinctively know that if they give their husbands sex (with ejaculation, of course!) whenever they want it, it will cause him to want her less? In the two marriages that were featured, both husbands loved and wanted their wives very much. The wives also loved their husbands very much, but didn't have a desire for sex. This lack of desire was blamed on upbringing and religious views (so the woman was the one who had to work on the "emotional" side of sex).

So, anyway~~I wish SO MUCH that Marnia had a similar show on Oprah's network~~how can we get this to happen!!?? It could be called "Peace Between the Sheets" and I would love to see real-life couples going through the transformation of karezza and bonding behaviors!

(P.S. How do you make the heart icon on a Mac?)

It's numlock on then Alt-3 on PC's,

for the Mac -
"Edit - special characters, and click on the heart." (That's what the internet tells me, anyway!) I don't have a mac to test it on, however, so YMMV


If you are using a PC

If you are using a PC laptop, you must (based upon my machine) use the number pad with numlock on. The number pad is the numbers that show over the letters on the right half of the keyboard. It will not work with the number keys in the row above the QWERTY row.

I think on a desktop keyboard you would have to use the number pad as well, but I have not checked.

Thank you!

So you have to post your topic *first* and then go back into it and edit it, correct? I see the heart is already there, though! (thank you to whomever did it!)


Got it!

I just figured out by "edit" you mean edit on my browser--not the edit function on this forum--DOH!

Thanks again! ♥♥♥♥♥


Thanks for the

vote of confidence, but I think YOU'D make a great spokesperson Rediscovered.

Fact is, though, I doubt OWN is ready for either of us. Journalists want "experts," and experts simply are not open to alternatives that don't push orgasm as the cure. It's why they have a big blind spot about the Coolidge Effect and about porn addiction for that matter.


What about another angle?

What about another angle? The experts are focused on reproductive orgasm. Orgasm's meaning could be expanded. People might be more willing to seek other types of orgasm as opposed to seeing it as orgasm or no orgasm. Maybe orgasm is the cure, but the experts have defined it too narrowly and clinically.

That's an excellent idea

but the trouble is that if you say "valley orgasm" or whatever, people go looking for that dopamine rush. So at the end of the day, they generally don't experience the benefits as completely as if they lay off the pursuit of orgasm for a bit. At least that has been my experience.

Experts could explain that

Experts could explain that too just like you have. You're as expert as anyone probably based upon your research and all our stories. This is your lab. It's not rocket science, only brain science... probably debatable which is harder to understand. People will get it by trying it. Lower carb is still not mainstream. Dopamine is always going to be rewarding. By experimenting people can learn of the other rewarding neurotransmitters. I forget who, but one of the ladies asked if karezza itself could become addictive. It must register some dopamine if it is enjoyed. What about karezza escalation, whatever that means? I notice some subtle changes in myself after a quasi-karezza experiences...although being solo might impact that to some extent.

I agree!

If Marnia is not an "expert" on this subject, then I don't know *who* is!

From what I have seen of Oprah and the way she has evolved over the years, she loves to delve into things that are not the norm--and if they have a deeper, spiritual side, all the better.

Here is a perfect example of why I think the time is right for Marnia to have a series on OWN~~

Yesterday, I made sure I recorded the "Dr. Oz" show because his guest was Deepak Chopra (I love him). He was able to bring the concept of meditation and and how it can lower stress to the masses because he linked it all to how it affects the brain scientifically (the same way Marnia does with her sex research). Because he wasn't just saying "ommmm" and speaking in a way people think is crazy, lol, but actually naming the neurochemicals that get released to help stress, etc., you could tell the audience really got it. (and some of you might know that Oprah is who gave Dr. Oz his platform and his own show as he was a frequent guest "expert" of hers--she also seems to love Deepak Chopra)

This is exactly the kind of thing Marnia is so good at--for her show, she could link the scientific with the spiritual side to this new way to stay in love and make love and I'm telling you, people would be so hungry for this information! This is the greatest thing that could ever happen to couples and it needs to be out there for the public to learn about it.

Someone needs to pitch this idea to her people!! ♥♥♥ [tanz]


its so funny that u

its so funny that u mentioned the Dr. Oz show yesturday. i didnt personally get to see it, but my best friend called me up in the middle of work to tell me about it. i love deepak chopra. i think its great that television and viewers are begining to embrace these more uplifting subjects like meditation

I've wanted

to see Marnia and Laura duke it out, while Oprah stares speechlessly open mouthed, for a long time. I got kicked off their blog.

*shakes head laughing*

It's not about duking it out, folks. It's about "experts." My training is as a lawyer. That makes me not qualified to talk about this, except in my book, which was published due to a fluke of fate. Smile

The paradox is that if I had trained as a neuroscientist, psychologist, or sexologist, I'd be looking down the same narrow tunnels as all the other experts. So I had be be "outside the box" to see and learn something different. But you can see why TV hosts and journalists go with the experts (too risky to do otherwise) - even though it's pretty obvious the experts have a blind spot when it comes to bonding behaviors, orgasm and porn.

You are thinking too much

You are thinking too much like lawyer. Lawyers need experts who have legal credibility. Most TV talking heads wouldn't meet this legal standard and certainly would face a valid attack by opposing counsel. This topic would require more than one expert anyway because it has multiple angles depending on whether one is dealing with the PMO issue. There also may be no single expert on point. On TV there is no opposition. You are the expert you project yourself to be by selling your knowledge and persuading the audience. Having a book and this site and years tracking this is enough.

You bring the craft of argument plus all your other positive characteristics. You've got the top school branding to add validity to whatever you say to the masses. You're not asking the masses to believe on blind faith like most talking heads. You're asking the masses to have the courage to experiment and form their own conclusions. Perhaps that comes from the legal craft of getting judge and jury buy in. Combine that with however many people are here attesting to the validity based on their experiments without much of anything in it for you (defeats the selling something and possibly cult arguments) and your ability to recall and track all these stories and you are more than expert enough for a TV show. It's entertainment. It's not a science convention. The world wants to hear what you have to say just as much as anyone else on these shows. You're selling yourself short (e.g., your book is no more fluke that any other) and perhaps playing to any residual fear of public speaking. It would be a great experience for you and you might with time grow to like being spotlighted. You nudge us so there's a nudge back at you.

Awasome answer

This is an awesome answer Marnia, the reality is that media oriented culture is very addictive, perpetuating of the models we are trying to avoid...and underdosing on connecton and oxytocin...i'm happy that your book made it. Its something i have always felt deep inside but even in the tantrika community there are influences such as 'dark eros' that would get everybody's attention rather than 'karezza'. Sad...


I'm open to speaking up. For example, a PR agent tried to get me on Burman's show to talk about porn and ED...something I know a LOT about these days - and I have information (thanks to you guys) that could really help a lot of men. But...no dice. The mainstream media do not yet want to hear any of this.

It sometimes surprises me, too. In fact, I just had an ongoing "exchange of views" with a group of academic sexologists on their listserve. I was basically sharing the stuff in Gary's presentation, but in my words. Frankly, I don't think any of them had much to counter with. None of them had a clue about the brain science - at least none of them who were speaking up. (One grad student quietly emailed me directly that he couldn't think of why behavioral and substance addictions would be different at a brain level...so HE got it.)

The ones who spoke up kept accusing me of trying to ban porn (not so...I explained that "forbidden" can make things "hotter" in the brain), of having secret religious motives, of favoring oral sex to increase orgasms for women but hypocritically trying to ban porn for men (huh?). Needless to say, my response to that left him silent. I said I thought we were all on one contniuum and that overstimuluation was probably a big factor in habituation between couples. Smile

They were unwilling to consider the many links to support I carefully included. Finally, the keeper of the list said I was being "reductionist" and "pseudo-scientific" - without any support for that bit of name-calling. So I countered with yet another abstract saying that porn addiction should be recognized as a behavioral addiction...this time excerpting the key bit so they wouldn't have to click. And that was that. They realized that the only way to shut me up was to stop replying. Wink

I am willing. So far very few venues welcome me. I could pay a PR person and get more little TV spots, but explaining the key concepts in five minutes isn't very effective. And it's a very costly process. So I'm obliged to cool my heels...and learn about porn. Smile

I thought DSM-V is

I thought DSM-V is incorporating some of the new sex addiction science and there is a lot more that is being left out because they are not sure yet. You don't claim certainty. Rather that is looks like there is enough for "experts" to start considering this. What do these sexologists claim about us?

I guess without anything to sell there is no money for anyone to make. Probably if everyone knew about this the economy would tank a bit a first. That's a tough sell.

Have you tried getting any famous people on board? There must be plenty famous people with failing relationships.

Another suggestion

How about Getting Dr. Berman to have Both Marnia and Diana Richardson on her segment? Diana even has a new book coming out this month, so it would be an ideal time! (Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality)

I did some Google Trends searches, and Tantric Sex gets a decent amount of traffic, compared to Karezza or slow sex (although this might be a up trending term, once the book is out). Here's a link to the graph:



(ears perk up)

Diana Richardson has another book coming out??? You just made me so happy, Quizure!

And I love your idea about having Marnia and Diana as guests on Dr. Berman's show~~I think Dr. Berman also needs to feature some couples who are practicing this type of lovemaking~~who wants to volunteer, lol??!


Caveat emptor

Some time ago, I bought Diana Richardson’s “Heart of Tantric Sex.” It’s a great book and a good supplement to “Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow.” I’d recommend it to anyone. When Richardson’s “Tantric Sex for Men” came out recently, I bought a copy hoping to learn more or to get a different perspective. I was very disappointed to discover that the two are 90% the same material. Now “Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality” is about to be released and from the description on Amazon, it looks like more of the same.

Books in the self-help arena

In reality, this information is many many years old, and aside from the brain chemistry validating how some of it works, all of this is repackaging of the same basic concept over and over, but the words have to resonate, to reach a person. I had Margot Anand's Book "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy" for years, and if you told me a year ago that this kind of sex was in that book, I'd have laughed, because I read that book cover to cover, and didn't remember it. So I dug it out, and low and behold, there it was, and it didn't register 8 years ago when I first read the book.

Self Help books get updated and re-released many times because they go out of style - a book a few years old isn't good enough for most folks, they want the newest information. And maybe this time it will resonate with a larger audience.

Have you ever been in a Christian book store? I can get a bible in any hotel or goodwill in the country, but there's still a market for new ones! And what are all the books in that store - re-explaining what's in the bible! Wink

We need more books, not less, "rehashing" this information, it's how it'll become part of our common collective knowledge about sex and relationships.


I found

I love both books and learned new things from each of them~~even if I learn just one new thing from a book and it opens my understanding and stays with me, the book is worth reading.

Also, I love the way both Diana and Michael write and so even if they say the same thing, but just differently, I will still enjoy it!


It's Good

You'll like it
I agree with RD....each book has a little something different
I'm reading Orgasm for Women and it is a slow start and some repetition of For Men, but it is inspiring and there is enough new stuff. It's good for me to keep myself engaged in this work.

Dr. Berman's latest show

This past Monday, Dr. Berman's show featured a man who had been masturbating to porn three times per day for the last 40 years. He had been doing it in secret (his wife of the last 11 years confronted him) and said he felt he had no control over himself and he called it an addiction. He and his wife had gone long periods without sexual intercourse (one year was their longest gap) and she was worried about that and didn't know why he didn't want her.

Dr. Berman determined it was not an addiction...because it would come and go when times were good and bad. She determined it was a psychological problem due to shame and guilt he felt from his youth (parents felt masturbation was shameful and he once touched a young girl's breast while she was being held on the ground).

Their homework was to go home and masturbate in front of each other to take the "shame" away from the act.

In three days, their treatment was over and I'm left to wonder how they are really doing~~I wish he could find this website! I felt horrible for him and I can't imagine a habit of 40 years could be turned around that quickly.


I'm happy to report!

I'm happy to report some good news from Dr. Berman's show which aired on Monday night~~

She was working with a couple for "premature ejaculation" (it really wasn't that, but it's too long of a story to tell, lol).

Anyway, for their "homework," she sent them home to spend a night just cuddling and kissing and telling each other what they appreciate about each other. You should have seen how their body language changed the next day!

And then, for their "day out," she sent them to a tantric yoga studio--woot! She had them breathing and looking at one another and the instructor even encouraged them to try intercourse when his erection was at about a "3" (on a scale of 1-10) so that it could warm up and grow inside the wife (not during the yoga session, but at home, of course--ha!).

They were then sent home to continue what they had learned and during the three-month update bit they did seem to still be enjoying each other sexually. At least I hope so~

One funny thing (to me!)~~she also had them visit a urologist to rule out any physical problems (for the man) and when the doctor asked the husband about his erection quality (the 1-10 scale thing again), he said that "7" would be considered "stuffable" lol!! Just struck me as so funny coming out of a doctor's mouth!!


Sounds good,

although sexologists have, for years, recommended non-performance sex for sexual problems...but not as an end in itself. Only as a temporary measure to get back to business as usual. This sounds different, if they're going to stick with a non-performance approach for 3 months.

Keep us posted!

time is gonna come

Marnia, I think you're right, that it's still early days for this work to become mainstream (and you know I've tried introducing it on Oprah's site in years past). Imho as a society, we are still in a rather narcissistic stage, and that precludes seeking out more generous ways of bonding and making love for most folks. However, the tipping point could come at any time, what with natural and man-made disasters causing people to express more compassion and empathy, thus opening them to seek more evolved ways of being with each other.....

The more we talk and share and post elsewhere about this work, the sooner it will catch on, in a hundredth-monkey sense...

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