While I have been replying to posts, I haven't felt much like blogging. I seem to have entered an intellectual phase which others have commented on. I want to push back into more feeling so maybe I can blog in that direction.
I'm encountering some frustrating social interaction. I've not had many friends in my life because there are very few people with whom I can be myself. I have friends of friends that sort of accept me as I am but also see me as a bit of a freak. I learned to be very selective about who I would even attempt to be friends with and limited my social interactions. Most of my friends chose me based upon something I did and them liking that and it then developing over a long time. I'm not sure I've ever had a friend that I chose on my own based upon something they did for me. I've got a few people now that are close to this, but for various reasons, the relationships are flat lining or not getting off the ground. At least I know what is possible. This old dynamic is still going on in most interactions. I'm trying to put myself in more social spaces at least. People are attracted to me. However, I seem to be getting two types of responses which revolve around depth, smarts, thinking, and intensity. Some people think this is great and want to do things again or seem to at least in the moment feel connected and even inspired. They will comment on not often meeting a deep or thinking person. It's a bit one way, but I'm used to that and slightly ok with it. Ideally I'd like more in the sense that I want to be attracted to them and not just a receptive. Others initially show comfort with me because I'm comforting. Some even get to rapport/attraction. Then as I get deeper, show my own vulnerabilities, and gently nudge at any cracks and conflicts the person reveals. It all falls apart in a similar way that roughly goes with varying adjectives "you're smart and nice, but I'm not the person to go to these places with you." I think some of these people will in the future be different from their brief interactions with me. I'm a changer not by changing others, but by inspiring and motivating them to change themselves. I don't ask or expect anyone to do anything other than be who they are. I seem to be projecting something that is repelling people after initial attraction. This might not be anything new and perhaps this is what has always happened to me with prospective friends. But there are only so many people like me and it would be nice to have some more typical friends even for a little while. People seem so afraid to try to be friends. We're not friends from hanging out a few times anyway. Can't they give it a chance. People like me but seem too intimidated even though there is nothing intimidating about me.
Something is going on with written communication. It feel like I've evolved to the point that I should just avoid written communication because it gets too intense. If they were with me, I think it wouldn't get that way because I would sense their resistance and they would feel comfortable from the bonding. Or I've got to somehow modulate my writing better. I write way too much to everyone. It often seems like a bit of a waste of time. I don't even know why I do it. Perhaps this is my communication style. How did that happen?
People who are more intuitive pick up on the fact that I do not expect anyone to reach the ideals I discuss. However, the bar must be high otherwise there is little point as there is nothing to strive toward. People seem afraid to be genuine because genuine is not always happy, especially at first as I'm experiencing now. They comment on my being deep and dark or making them feel a little depressed or that they are "sort of" happy with their status quo. I'm writing nothing dark. They could never handle my version of dark. I couldn't handle my dark because while I'm not dark, I know that if I became dark it would be much too much. I'm an optimist who just happens to be a realist and cynical at times, but in jest.
This all ties into a post I'm working on about loneliness based upon a book I'm almost done with. I feel like I need more friends to get beyond the point that I'm at but that is amazingly challenging. This has nothing to do with social skills. It is personality based. I'm meeting more people like me and they all say the same things...hard to find people to connect with at their level. I'm not taking it personally as I see these rejecting people as afraid and respect the fear of genuineness we all have. I'm a little surprised that they react this way to what is essentially an outstretched hand. I've been looking for this my whole life. I'd think it was super. But I guess I'm not typical in this regard. Despite understanding, it can still leave me lonely and it is slightly unpleasant to invest time and energy in people that can't handle me. I know it is them and don't feel freakish, but it makes me more aware of just how difficult being social for me might always be. And yet, I refuse to go back to the isolation of my past. I haven't even gotten into the topics here. That would go over like a ton of bricks.
Ultimately, I feel very strange at the moment. I feel like I'm in the eye of a tornado. I'm calm, but I don't have much room to explore without hitting the howling winds. I'm not being very productive. I'm just being and not doing despite a lot of things I need to do. I have too many "need" to dos and not enough "want" to dos. I have to find ways to recharge, but in this frustrating world that is not easy for me. I can see more clearly how survival-based PMO use was for me because just being social in the typical sense doesn't do anything for me. If anything, it gets me more down. At times like this the cues are stronger. I need to get back to my basics and do whatever I started doing to get here. Or perhaps start thinking about developing more plans to keep chugging. I feel pretty testy in my mind and can see how it would take only a slight lapse to relapse. I have little physical urge, but my mind is not cooperating. Hopefully, this is some sort of lull before more breakthroughs. Maybe this is for me the roughly 8-week transition that I haven't yet noticed. I march on into the unexplored wilderness of abstinence. At least I never minded doing things alone because if I were the way I am and a typical person socially, life would be unbearable. Thank you all for your ongoing support.