90 Days - Starting NOW.

Submitted by Rinzler on
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I really don't know what to say. My longest fast has been 2 weeks since I was 13.

My confidence...my relationships...the way I see the world and the people in it...I think it's all from my masturbation/porn addiction.

I lack energy, I wake up depressed every morning (and, oddly enough, completely energized at night and following masturbation). That isn't to say I'm suicidal or anything. Far from it. I'm just sad. Scared.

I hate it. I just don't want to live this way anymore.

So I'm giving it a shot. 90 Days. Starting NOW.

I came here, because I was hoping someone could give me some advice of what the future may hold. I think the only way this is going to work is if I actually feel different after a certain amount of time. But I don't know if I will. For as long as I've had a sex drive, this is how I've seen the world. I know it can be different, but I've never really felt it.

I have a girlfriend. I want to treat her better. I've only made things worse. I don't even think she's attracted to me anymore, most of the time. It isn't that she isn't attracted to me in the physical sense. It's just...well...when you've got an addiction like this, it's almost as if your aura changes. A girlfriend/spouse sees you differently. They lose respect. I'm surprise she's held out for this long.

I hope I can change this. Not back to the way I was when we first met (which was more balanced), but better. Be the best I've ever been.

Will that happen? What experiences have you had?

Thanks for reading.

yes, this stuff really works

yes, this stuff really works and you'll see from testing it out. However, I want to remind you that recovery is hardly ever predictable and can sometimes be a rough ride and can involve periods of where things seem to be getting worse. The process is not linear and expect some bumps. As for the feelings and the way you see the world, that will improve gradually over time. I wish the best and keep us informed about your feelings as the days go on. Having a partner can help for sure and Im sure she will like the non-addicted you. I know what you mean about giving off a certain aura from the addiction, it pushes people away for sure. Healing and recovery can be pretty tumultuous, so make sure you are spending lots of time with people you trust and can be supportive, its a rough time to be alone and as a lot of people here have experienced, being around people will definitely ease your symptoms. Glad to hear that you are taking charge of your life, feelings, and perceptions of the world. That in itself shows a lot of character. Good luck.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.
-Aristotle

Thank you for the support so

Thank you for the support so quickly. Already I'm feeling a bit better.

I'm really scared though. The mind is so clever. It always seems to get what it wants. Fighting it is what's so tough. I've tried to stop before, but I've always fallen off one way or another. Then it's back to the (at least) once a day routine. Tough stuff. Very tough.

Its the toughest thing Ive

Its the toughest thing Ive done too, but it doesnt need to be done perfectly at first, in fact, perfectionism is another one of those lovely mind tricks. The more important aspect of this process is learning about yourself and what works for you. When you hit a snag, it can be painful, but you need to learn to pay attention to how you are feeling and what is causing you all the discomfort. These kinds of emotional and life skills arent usually as present in people who struggle with these kinds of things, so its important to view this process as a way to "get yourself back" in a way. Fortunately, it gets easier as time goes on and the you learn these tricks of the mind pretty well. These mind tricks are pretty deep and will knock you on your ass from time to time, but when that happens, you also begin to become aware of them. As painful as this process is, its somehow strangely beautiful and graceful.

If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way.
-Aristotle

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Yeah, I see what you mean. In the times I've tried to stay off it, I've seen my mind playing these little tricks on me. "Just find the porn you want, but don't masturbate". Yeah...right :-). And I see the mind winning, and I just let it.

The "getting myself back" aspect. Well, that's a little strange. I've been doing this for so long, I don't really know who I am. I think I've seen glimpses in the times where I haven't been able to masturbate or not needed it ( certain times in my life...on a trip...trying to fast...etc), and I've really liked that person. But still, even in those times, I'm still lusting after it. I'm still a slave to the sexual "ideas" I want to perform.

My girlfriend. She really loved me. She doesn't love this person. It's very easy to see that. I can just feel the lack of love, the fear, the unattraction; based on who I am when under this influence. I feel bad for her, and I try not to take it personally. But it's really difficult. When she frustrates me, it's hard to remember that this was all by my own design.

Well, we're on Day 1 now. So far so good, but tough. Even the dreams are trying to bring me down! Smile

Thanks for your courage

in determining to change. There will be good days along the way, too, so you'll soon see reasons for hope.

I dont' know if you are aware of it, but our sister site "Your Brain On Porn" collects lots of the wisdom that the people here have figured out over the last few years (since Internet porn has started kicking so many people's asses with too much stimulation). Check these things out:

Tools for Change
http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change

Uncle Bob's Porn Recovery tips (just for fun)
http://yourbrainonporn.com/uncle-bob-porn-recovery-tips

Ask us
http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us

The Porn Addiction Articles can also be good when you need motivation:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/understanding_porn_addiction

Keep us posted on your progress. And just as your girlfriend's perception shifted for the worse, it can shift for the better as you begin to shine again. Be optimistic.

*big hug*

I'll enable you to blog, so you can start your own journal: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers That way we can all encourage you.

Thank you for the support

Thank you for the support and links. I've read/skimmed every one, and it's startling how much of this is me! The articles also alleviated a lot of concerns I had physically, so I really appreciate you passing these along. *hugs back*

Today has been okay. I get the urge, and try to think about something else, as opposed to dwelling on the feeling.