Hi guys :)
I have now advanced further in my close observations on my brain, its recovery and what exactly did porn mess up.
For those of who you don't know, I started porn at 12, I'm 24 now, so my brain didn't have the chance to develop normally in sexual way when it was required so and the time was right for it, my sexuality was developed and trained/practiced with the help of the porn, not real women.
Recently I realized how big was actually the big picture, porn did deviate my brain in many ways, ways that surpass my bravest imagination, and I'm sure it's porn because I made few simple tests which prove that.
I didn't watch any porn for about 2 and a half years, my brain has now activated most of its normal functions, the way they are supposed to be, ie the way nature planned them to work. Before that I could not know what is normal, because I have never seen normal. I'm discovering now, what is normal and how my brain is actually supposed to work, and the feeling is great.
I'll divide my brain functions in two categories, Porn Reality(PR) - where my brain works the old way, influenced by porn and Normal Reality(NR), where my brain works the way it's supposed to work, the way nature made it.
I would also like to add that what I will say is valid for me, but I guess it won't be valid for everybody, since not everybody started porn at 12. I guess that when I started so early with porn, the network developed in such a way that it affected other developing brain functions which have nothing to do with sexuality and blocked some of them, what I want to say is that my porn network in the brain, may be bigger and affecting bigger areas than other men's networks.
What I did is to observe very very carefully every single change that occurs in my reality when the PR takes charge. Now that I have NR, it's easier to notice everything that is wrong with the PR.
How did I activate PR, simply I masturbated on memories entirely from porn, I remembered the screen, the movie and what I say, so it was like watching the real thing (of course it's less damaging and safer when the real stimuli lacks).
First thing I noticed is the bare fact that I OBSERVE sex, instead of making it, is turning on some other network, not the usual sexual one, the feeling is just different, I'm almost sure that Observing sex and reaching orgasm and Making sex and reaching orgasm activate very different brain regions, yes, both actions may use some common brain functions, some basic ones, but also do use some entirely different networks, you may think that it's the same thing because you reach orgasm, but you reach this orgasm in a different way, each thing you do differently activates different regions and eventually makes entirely new networks that weren't there before. So If your entire life you only observe and get excited from somebody else having sex , this activity will develop very different network from having real sex , the orgasms are also going to be different and the overall feeling is going to be different, plus you may develop your voyeur instinct to new levels. After all, you become what you do. After that, even when having real sex, you will activate the network that was created when you observed sex because it got so perplexed with the normal sexual network (where you aren't suppose to observe) , that the normal sexual network most likely won't work the way it's supposed to work, it will work in a deviated way, and that's bad, because it's not giving you the feeling, sensations you are supposed to get by default.
So I got odd feeling of observing somebody else having sex, still exciting though, in a different way. The moment I started remembering I felt a rush of adrenaline and I became very active and attentive, I guess my brain liked to ,,dose,, it received from something that was forgotten. It's like taking your heroin dose in some years of absence. I also felt I need more of that, no matter what I wanted more, it's very very odd pleasure, it's not the pure pleasure and satisfaction I feel from sex , the excitement is rather narcotic and making your nervous if you don't get some. After I finished, I noticed something else...I didn't receive any real satisfaction, it's odd, it's was just like a release of energy, something intense, but the way satisfaction works in the brain I guess is more complex and needs something more than just an intense release of energy, after that, after the moment I finished, I needed more of that, It just wasn't enough, I didn't feel the feeling after sex, the calmness, relaxation, I just wanted more and I was very very fixated on observing , I wanted to get excited from observing other people having sex(or at least to watch/observe a women, not actually interact with her), at that time the network that usually makes me want have sex wasn't active, I wanted to watch instead of making it(and no wonder, since I did that all life).
So here we go....porn reality was fully activated now, I just wanted to observe carefully now and see what the brain has to offer in such a state. All effects of this porn reality went fully away in a week, during this week I had time to see what is different when comparing to normal reality.
I felt anxiety throughout the entire day and some random porn pictures and scenes just showed up in my mind, absolutely no control over that, it's automatic.
My creativity was absolutely gone!! I felt like a robot. Usually when in NR I sit in front of my piano and start playing, I can improvise nicely, I sat in front of the piano and I was just staring...empty stare, I played some tones from memory but the main point is i couldn't CREATE anything, the functions that are responsible for creation of new things, something that is not familiar were just not working! I also tried other fields when creation is needed. I tried to write an essay. NO, it was absolute disaster, my thoughts just couldn't run smooth enough, it's like they were blocked, they just didn't came the way they are coming when in NR. PR also disabled my ability to create humor and to make other people laugh, usually I'm very good at that, it happens automatically, but now when I was around people, It was odd, I perceived reality in another way, I didn't sense the subtle things, I couldn't create any humor from a situation, I couldn't throw a random joke. I just missed something, my brain wasn't getting enough information from the external environment to create the humor.
My ability to solve complex mathematical problems, also was very impaired. In NR, i don't have any problems with that.
Furthermore the ability the read text, comprehend everything, remember it well and recreate it was impaired . I just couldn't do that. I did it, but it was like 50% worse than in NR. My memory was skipping some details, my attention was running away from the text and it was out of my control. The ability to express myself with language - BAD. In NR I'm quite talkative, I'm interested in other people, I initiate a conversation, I want to hear about their problems, I talk a lot,I understand them, I can offer help and feel nice from this.
In PR...sheesh, as dumb as f**k. All these things lack, I just stand there, I hear them talking, but I have no interest in doing that, I just hear words, but their words don't activate the brain functions they should activate, it's like their words hit in a wall. I become very selfish, I don't care about others, I don't want to talk, I don't feel pleasure from communication, I don't smile when I talk, I just reproduce some information in order for somebody to understand me, but that's far from normal communication and feeling nice from it.
Women...that's interesting. They turned into something that can give me pleasure, they turned into some talking piece of meat that can provide pleasure and ease my sexual tension. I didn't want to get to know them , didn't even want to talk to them, when I liked a girl, I just wanted , immediately , as fast as possible, to have sex with her, I just needed her body. I looked at women entirely from the sexual perspective. In PR, we cannot even speak about a normal relationship, not only with girls, but even with my friends...even with my family.
In a nutshell, in PR, I cannot feel real pleasure from anything except PORN(where the pleasure is drug like, it's not real again) and I do anticipate it until given, many functions that usually provide comfort and are supposed to work were heavily suppressed or some entirely disabled. (other functions include, ability to prioritize , focus, organize, plan, understand and sort my emotions, work under stress). On top of that my reward and motivation system wasn't functioning correctly if it was functioniong at all and that's one of the most basics things to succeed in life and feel good about yourself, I'm sure it's because of the porn because, as soon as I stopped it, this same reward and motivation system changed and started working, during the expermient it didnt work as well.
During the time spent in PR I felt empty, I felt as if there was a mist in my brain and something was constantly keeping me alert, even when I didn't want to, I guess that's a mechanism of the brain for anticipation, because I got my dose and my brain was alerted and waiting for more. This alertness kept holding me for 3 days.
On the 5th day after the masturbation, everything went away, I just said to myself- oh thank you god(I'm an atheist), finally, the brain relaxed and all functions were coming back to normal. I just could take a deep breath and feel some pleasure from doing it, I felt calm. Regained all of my functions on 100% after about 3 days.
Some interesting facts about sex in Normal and Porn reality:
PR SEX - I focus entirely on the body parts, everything is very visual, main aim is to reach orgasm, the woman is like an object satisfying my needs, the feeling while having sex is odd, not the same one as in NR, it's like a drug feeling, what can I feel is only, intense energy and need for release, other sensations are almost blocked. The whole sex act consists mainly of penetration. After sex, I want more and don't feel satisfied at all and feel a bit nervous and anxious.
NR SEX- I focus on the person, I focus less on the visual and body parts, I feel the woman differently, I enjoy every single tender touch we have, I'm very patient, I enjoy the moment, I can feel relaxation, calmness every second, my senses are more open to external stimuli, I don't want to reach orgasm but enjoy the whole act and the nice feeling, it lacks the intense drug like feeling compared to sex in PR. The whole sex act consists of many many details that I'm unable to notice and enjoy in PR and the senses are more open, I don't feel anxious. After sex, I'm completely satisfied and relaxed and happy.
In my case, from the age of about 14 until I stopped porn , I was in PR. This caused a lot of damage , a lot of damage to my development as a person and a lot of wrong ideas about how life works , how to handle situations etc. It was like I was very handicapped.
I guess this scenario will be valid not only for porn, I guess it may be valid for whatever addiction.
With halted or wrongly working functions and affected by porn my brain did create such a reality for me, such concepts, such ideas for the way I accept women, sex , personal relationships, life, actually everything and my productivity as a whole that it wasn't possible to be normal and to function normally. As you can imagine, when your brain is with suppressed and disabled functions, the reality that is being created and remembered every single second is far from what is supposed to be normal.
I won't speak about how hard was the recovery process for me , to learn everything as if I was a baby, a baby exploring the world, a 20 year old baby. That's pain.
Again, if you started porn on later stage in your life, or your brain is not the addictive type of brain and not so sensitive to such stimulation, the effects may be different and less harming, this was my case however.
Hello Marnia :) Feel free to correct any grammar and other mistakes(such as wrongly formulated expressions and sentences), so it can be easily understood by all.