This is my first post, which I have been meaning to post since I became member just over 2 weeks ago. But in order to make my post really concise, I have been putting off posting it.
Today, I have decided to get started by posting at least little. I will provide more information as and when someone asks or in future posts. I really appreciate everyone, especially Marnia, who set up the site, and has given us space to discuss. And in reading many forum topics, I have seen Marnia's personal responses, and it is wonderful.
I am from an Asian country, where the culture and society is very different from the Western countries, especially in terms of relationships, marriages etc. This cultural context will be an important factor.
To begin with
* I first discovered masturbation at the age of 12, when rubbing my morning wood made me feel good.
* I first watched XXX-rated, completely hardcore video, when I was 14. I have been watching those videos on and off, until mid of October of 2010. That's about 16 years of porn usage.
* BUT, havne't watched porn over two months, after learning its effect on me and relationships.
* Have significantly reduced mb(masturbation) frequency .
* Have avoided orgasm since 17-Dec-2010 (This is from that article on how a guy overcame porn related ED.)
* I am in relationship with this girl since Sep 2004, but I was in the US, while she was at home in different country.
* I left my country in Aug of 2005, and we met after 5 years in October of 2010. In this time, we did not look for anyone else. We stayed in the relationship despite ups and down, and a very long distance. While I liked some girls externally, I never felt for them. Actually, I purposely avoided coming in contact with other girls. Because if I maintain the distance then I won't have to deal with any possible wrong consequences.
* I had not been fantasizing about any other women, since I met my girl, including her. Yes including her, because I haven't been able to combine love and lust. This has to do with some of my childhood experience and beliefs. I discovered that male-female relationship and that rubbing down there feels good at early age. But I had not discovered the physical process of having sex, until 10th grade or after. I just knew that rubbing down there feels good. Having bitten by the pleasure worm, I used to seek out getting physical pleasure from any girls in contact. And there were a couple of girls with whom I had done the simulated sex by rubbing mine with theirs. many many times. This was the first time, when I learned to just follow my impulse to pleasure myself without commitment. During 7th and 8th grade, this happened with two of my male friends as well(now I find it so disgusting to even think about that). I just wanted a hole. I did not matter, whose it was. Fortunately, during no interaction, I had the penetration. In fact, at 31 I am still a virgin in terms of penetration.
* When my girl came over, first few days I could NOT get physical (was not properly erect or was not getting stimulated because no visual stimuli like porn..we were doing it in the dark..she's too shy..and we kissed, hugged etc), and she felt that I was not physically attracted towards her. And it is/was true, because we had some serious problems with regard to some of my past, which she could not accept and I could not undo. Because of that, I had not really looked at her in the lustful or sexual ways. After several years though, those problems got resolved to large extent and she started to feel for me sexually. And when she would be in the mood, I wouldn't be because I was so much used to watching porn and m'bate. In fact, a couple of times, when I consciously put effort to m'bate while fantasizing about her, I could not really. I used to lose my erection.
* But a few days after her arrival, and after I let go worrying about the problems about the sexual performance, and I started to feel better and more normal. I was getting erections easily but they were hard to maintain. Also, because of her presence, I was not watching the porn. And it was only after her arrival and after having sexual problems, I, for the first time, researched the effect of porn.
* She was here with me for over a month, and as the days went by without porn and with her, I started to notice that I was watching other girls more. I was finding every other girl interesting. I felt like I wanted to jump from girl to girl. I actually still feel that way. And first I was completely sure of marrying my girl, but towards the end of her stay I became sort of unsure. It felt like suddenly I fell out of love with her! And it hurt. And since then (from Nov 2010), I am in constant stress.
* It feels like after stopping the porn (and almost all erotica), I have become over sensitive towards good looking girls, especially attractive white girls. I have always liked white girls but not to an extent that I'd leave my girl aside.
* The best part is there is not one particular girl that I like. When I see an attractive girl, I just feel like I want to fuck (sorry for the word) her, and then when I see other I want to fuck her too.
* Why do I find it easy to think about having sex other women easily, especially physically attractive, without being committed into relationship?
* I remember in 2004, I saw a European porn, and I saw some amazingly naturally beautiful girls. Since, then I have always wanted to taste some of those girls. And as I watched more porn, I sought more such European porn. And I have this impression that Eastern European girls are very beautiful. So I wanna go out there, and fuck a few of such girls to see how it feels.
* Also, because I have been watching porn for such a long time, I have become very selective, and I want only particular type of body, particular type vagina etc!
And I feel like a part of my mind is rebelling because of this desire will remain unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship. I feel like I won't be able to be with her completely. I am ready and willing to let go of this desire, but every now and then I suddenly feel like I have lost interest in my girl! I hate when that happens, but also when the anxiety goes away and when I start feeling like I am going to be with her, it feels very calming. She's a gem of girl, and I would be the world's biggest moron to lose her. I have decided to marry her no matter what.
Please help me understand if this oversensitivity to attractive girls that I am feeling, this desire that I have to jump from one girl to another(just like how I used to switch porn vids from one to another) is because of stopping to watch porn.
Also, after stopping the porn, I have been easily been able to fantasize about her, and also reach orgasm. I saw that as my first victory.
I don't seem to have any porn withdrawal symptoms or I haven't noticed any. I sleep well. Pay attention to work. But I stay in thinking mode all the time, and that may be causing my acid reflux.
I want to release my desire to jump from one girl to another, and do it happily. I know there are so many monogamous people in the world. I am 31, and she's 33, and we both are virgin. And I am really looking forward to have this first time experience with her. But this thought that I want to go around the world sampling the beautiful girls is really bugging me.
Also, why do I find this idea of having sex without commitment so enticing? My girl is completely opposite of it - no sex without marriage!
Everyone, especially Marnia, please take your time to read my story and please let me know your thoughts, ideas. I really want to overcome these thoughts and be completely dedicated to her.
Thank you very very much.