I’ve stopped in here off and on for quite a while now, but I’ve never really made an attempt to quit before. I want people to read this, so I’ll try to keep it to a manageable length. It’s a long story with lots of side issues, but I’m just going to try to hit the highlights.
Let’s start with a little background. I got married when I was 19 and recently passed my 35th anniversary. I could write books about this subject, but my wife doesn’t like sex. Never has and never will. We were married for nearly 11 years before we had intercourse the first time and in the intervening 25 years, I would venture a guess that the total is less than 100. It’s not just intercourse that she doesn’t like either, it’s the whole enchilada. She does get off on receiving oral, but that’s at most three or four times a year and I honestly believe that while she enjoys it physically, she’s ashamed that she does. When we do have intercourse, which we haven’t done in so long that I can’t even tell you for sure how many years it’s been, it’s very plain that she doesn’t like it. She allows only the missionary position and she lies there unmoving with a grimace on her face. Quite honestly, I lost interest in even trying a long time ago. Sex is hardly enjoyable when you feel like it’s something you’re inflicting on your partner.
We’ve done years and tens of thousands of dollars of counseling, but the bottom line is that she doesn’t like it and she’s not willing to work on it. In two different courses of counseling with two different therapists, she stopped going when the therapist wanted to address her sexual issues. My sex life with her is a hand job every six weeks or so.
I can’t tell you exactly when I developed the porn habit, but before it became so easily available on the internet, porn was something I enjoyed and used as a relatively healthy outlet, but not something that had any hold on me. I love my wife and couldn’t divorce her over lack of sex. Neither was I willing to have a girlfriend on the side. So basically, porn and masturbation was my sex life. Over the last 8-10 years it has become a problem. I use porn and masturbate all the time. If I’m alone with a computer, it’s the first thing on my mind. I’m constantly looking for things that slip by the filters at work. If I’m in early or stay late, I’ll even masturbate to porn in my office. Now I’ve started seeing the effects of this porn addiction. Aside from the compulsion that is clearly unhealthy, I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t get an erection without either viewing, or at least fantasizing about porn.
So to sum this up, I have multiple problems. I have a virtually asexual wife who has not the slightest interest in changing that. Partly as a result of that and the decades of frustration and partly as a result of my porn habit, I don’t even connect her with sex in my mind. Porn clearly isn’t causing a problem in our sex life (since there was/is no sex life to affect), but it’s become such a compulsion for me that I have to break free from it.
FWIW, it’s been ten days since I looked at porn or masturbated. So far it hasn’t been too tough, but the urge has been growing and is beginning to get hard to ignore. I’m still hanging in there though.