Hello, I just came across this site the other day and am extremely grateful for all the material provided. It's been fascinating to read through articles and find the same dynamics at play with others as with myself.
I've been struggling with pornography for...jeez, about 16 years or so. Well, I suppose I only really started to struggle with it for the past eight or nine years, which is when I first realized I didn't have any control over it. I've tried many different programs and recovery techniques and while some would work for a little time, porn would eventually find it's way back into my life. About two months ago I reached a point where I really wanted to end my porn use and so I shared my addiction with my very supportive community of close friends and family. The support I received was like nothing I'd ever felt before and the relieve that brought was absolutely incredible. However, the fear remained because I knew after a period of abstinence, I'd need some 'relief' eventually and in my past experience that always brought a growing urge for pornography. So I got rid of my computer for a month. It helped. The plugged in experience of internet usage can bring the same over-stimulating and dissociative influence that invites porn, so I needed some time to develop stronger healthier behaviors before I thought I could tackle my temptations. So far, mostly good.
During the first several weeks I had some of the most crazy sexual dreams I could ever imagine. I'm talking 70's disco massive orgy dreams... at that point I suppose they were more nightmares. I really didn't know what to do with my pent up sexual energies so I began to cautiously release them. Yeah, you end up loosing caution, at least that's the way it's been with me and fantasies started entering my mind. By and large it was and has been fantasies of past love making (not porn), and I've been able to resist looking up any kind of porn online. But it feels as though this too is turning into a compulsion, and I don't like it.
There have been a bunch of friends of mine who have read Cupids Poisoned Arrow or Peace Between the Sheets, and one friend provided me with a great article on this site (which I think is a transcript of one of the main videos here too). So I found myself looking around and I have to say the thought that many are able to find a nurturing way of utilizing their sexual energy in ways other than orgasm is truly liberating. Had I realized these books were so connected to my addiction, I would have been over here much sooner! :)
I actually just had an interesting experience too. Yesterday I was reading about how the addictive mind will basically implant tension to persuade you into giving it more of whatever it's craving. Today I was doing a search for finding some posters for the retailer I work at, and naturally came across some posters with scantily-clad women on them, which caused a strong buzz and an opening of the gates, so to speak. I moved on and occupied my time with other things, even if aroused. Several hours later I found myself in a fairly poor mood. Actually I was angry, irritated and I had no clue why. I had a good day with no issues to speak of. But then I connected it to the tension the addictive mind will create (so you can relief it). At that moment the sour mood was instantly gone - in fact I had to laugh out loud at the sly maneuvers of my internal Don Juan. Sly, but his moves are becoming transparent and he missed the mark. In the words of Beyonce, "Wha-oh-oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh"