Hey guys and gals,
So.. yeah maybe my username says it all - I feel like a bit of an idiot for not realizing just how much I was messing up my psychology, but I guess that's the way it goes..
History: started masturbation when I was 14, not sure how often I did it. At 18, I had a really embarrassing wet dream when I stayed over at the house of 2 girls I barely knew, who were older than me and quite hot, sleeping on their spare bed (I wasn't having sex with either of them - they just let me crash there). Early the next morning as I crept out the house in shame, I decided that from then on I would masturbate every night to make sure that I never had any wet dreams again, especially in hot girls' houses
I guess that habit kind of stayed with me. Then at 19, I also started getting into porn. At 30 that turned into porn with dial-up (Ha! An unusual form of torture in retrospect), and then 35 porn on broadband.
Now 40, and it only just struck me that maybe beating off every day, and doing it to crazy, unrealistically hot, endless porn was maybe why I wasn't very interested in real women.
I only lost my virginity at 21, so all my sexual experiences with women my whole life have been in the context of my beating off every day to porn. Looking back I can hardly believe it, but it's true. To clarify - I've had plenty of sex with women, but no relationship lasted very long, and I was rarely very into it, I now suspect because of the whole porn & mast thing that was usually going on at the same time.
So after reading a really great thread on medhelp, and totally identifying, I realized that it's time to stop the porn and cut back on the masturbation (actually I've now decided to try to cut out masturbation completely too).
I stopped porn 10 days ago, which is AWESOME. I've masturbated a bit since, but last time was over 3 days ago, and I'm going to try to stop altogether, and only get my sexual experiences courtesy of real women, rather than courtesy of my hand.
I hardly even recognize myself in my narrative. I always thought I had my life under control, but as I read back over what I wrote, I sound like some porn-crazed idiot. Umm...
So anyway, I'm already seeing some really encouraging signs. My whole adult life, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen a woman and got an erection. Literally. I never understood why people said they did - I thought it was an exaggeration. But it's happened to me a few times in the last few days, and when I was thinking back on a blow job a girl gave me a few months ago. Also spontaneous erections just lying in bed or in the mornings, and my dick generally just feels fuller, heavier, like a cannon down there lol.
I really think this is the answer, and I'm super-excited about it. Now that I look back on my behavior it seems obvious. The hottest 100 girls I can call to mind are all from images/movies I downloaded at some point. Real girls I've known are way down the list How could I do that to myself? I also used to go out to bars and see women, but then come home and masturbate about them, so that I was often getting sexual pleasure by myself, disconnecting me from women. Now that I'm stopping masturbation, I think my brain is finally learning that real women are the only source of the sexual pleasure I'm going to be allowing myself from now on. Really excited about actually wanting real women again
Thanks for listening everyone. Best of luck and strength to everyone who is tackling/going through this thing. You can all do it! Stick at it