40-year-old here, porn & masturbation since 19, 10 days free of porn, 4 days no mast. Some improvements already :-)

Submitted by likeanidiot on
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Hey guys and gals,

So.. yeah maybe my username says it all - I feel like a bit of an idiot for not realizing just how much I was messing up my psychology, but I guess that's the way it goes..

History: started masturbation when I was 14, not sure how often I did it. At 18, I had a really embarrassing wet dream when I stayed over at the house of 2 girls I barely knew, who were older than me and quite hot, sleeping on their spare bed (I wasn't having sex with either of them - they just let me crash there). Early the next morning as I crept out the house in shame, I decided that from then on I would masturbate every night to make sure that I never had any wet dreams again, especially in hot girls' houses Smile

I guess that habit kind of stayed with me. Then at 19, I also started getting into porn. At 30 that turned into porn with dial-up (Ha! An unusual form of torture in retrospect), and then 35 porn on broadband.

Now 40, and it only just struck me that maybe beating off every day, and doing it to crazy, unrealistically hot, endless porn was maybe why I wasn't very interested in real women.

I only lost my virginity at 21, so all my sexual experiences with women my whole life have been in the context of my beating off every day to porn. Looking back I can hardly believe it, but it's true. To clarify - I've had plenty of sex with women, but no relationship lasted very long, and I was rarely very into it, I now suspect because of the whole porn & mast thing that was usually going on at the same time.

So after reading a really great thread on medhelp, and totally identifying, I realized that it's time to stop the porn and cut back on the masturbation (actually I've now decided to try to cut out masturbation completely too).

I stopped porn 10 days ago, which is AWESOME. I've masturbated a bit since, but last time was over 3 days ago, and I'm going to try to stop altogether, and only get my sexual experiences courtesy of real women, rather than courtesy of my hand.

I hardly even recognize myself in my narrative. I always thought I had my life under control, but as I read back over what I wrote, I sound like some porn-crazed idiot. Umm... Smile

So anyway, I'm already seeing some really encouraging signs. My whole adult life, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen a woman and got an erection. Literally. I never understood why people said they did - I thought it was an exaggeration. But it's happened to me a few times in the last few days, and when I was thinking back on a blow job a girl gave me a few months ago. Also spontaneous erections just lying in bed or in the mornings, and my dick generally just feels fuller, heavier, like a cannon down there lol.

I really think this is the answer, and I'm super-excited about it. Now that I look back on my behavior it seems obvious. The hottest 100 girls I can call to mind are all from images/movies I downloaded at some point. Real girls I've known are way down the list Sad How could I do that to myself? I also used to go out to bars and see women, but then come home and masturbate about them, so that I was often getting sexual pleasure by myself, disconnecting me from women. Now that I'm stopping masturbation, I think my brain is finally learning that real women are the only source of the sexual pleasure I'm going to be allowing myself from now on. Really excited about actually wanting real women again Smile

Thanks for listening everyone. Best of luck and strength to everyone who is tackling/going through this thing. You can all do it! Stick at it Smile

Hey

Hey! I'm glad you found this out and that you already are consciously going into the right path! Here at the forum you can find all kinds of helpful information on porn addiction, from science to psychology. You can check out http://yourbrainonporn.com/ also!
I know what you mean about this thing that people exaggerated! I was the same! Then it all became reality, I felt more like part of the tribe! :)
Wish you stable mind and may the power of will be with you, you will need it!

likeanidiot wrote:At 18, I

[quote=likeanidiot]At 18, I had a really embarrassing wet dream when I stayed over at the house of 2 girls I barely knew, who were older than me and quite hot, sleeping on their spare bed (I wasn't having sex with either of them - they just let me crash there).[/quote]

looool, this is pretty funny

Yes I did, thank you

Yes I did, thank you. Although as per my plan, I never had a wet dream since then. Sad I would love to get to that place again.. Maybe it will happen Smile As for them taking it as a compliment, well that's a great reframe. I'm not sure if they did, probably more like 'Gah, you know that guy that we let crash here last night? He jizzed on the sheets..' They probably laughed about it though, which is good. Never saw them again, which maybe is also good Smile

I'm glad

you have a healthy sense of humor. That's very helpful with challenges like this. Human sexuality really is a funny subject when you think about it. Wink

Thanks for sharing your story

If you're an idiot, so are a LOT of other people on the planet just now. Wink Seriously. It's hard for anyone to take any other trajectory than the one you took. It's the path of least resistance today, and had I been a man, I'm sure I would have done the same thing. (Maybe even as a woman. Smile )

Anyway, it's exciting that you're finding your way out of the fog. Do as much as you can to stay connected with other people as you make the transition. It'll help a lot. So do exercise, time in nature, and many other things: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change#tools

Feel free to start a blog if you like. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

Thank you. Yeah, I'm not

Thank you. Yeah, I'm not going to beat myself up too badly over it, but I at least want to give myself a slap to the back of the head. Thanks for the nature advice. Actually went for a hike today, maybe partly because of renewed vigor, and maybe partly to get rid of some of the stress from no mast Smile It felt really great. I don't think I've enjoyed a hike that much in years.. It may be premature, but I felt like I noticed colors a lot more, and just felt generally better inside than usual, as if my brain is starting to get a realistic idea of what is enjoyable, and setting the bar somewhere reasonable, rather than at the level of viewing 300 hot women in one hour. I hope so Smile

Yes,

others have also reported that colors seem brighter as they recover. Time in nature is very healing, isn't it?

Just know that recovery tends to be more bumpy than linear, so blog about those good days so you can remind yourself what you're steering for when the days are 'cloudy.'

Thank you - that's a

Thank you - that's a valuable, timely reminder. I've definitely seen enough so far to know that this is the right track for me. I had a lot of questions for myself in recent years about my lack of motivation in several aspects of my life, and I've already seen this brief abstinence move the needle significantly. Of course it could just be an initial burst of optimism such as one feels when one thinks one has found the solution to something, regardless of whether it actually is the solution. However, I don't think so. In my life I've also given up nicotine and processed sugar, both of which were surprisingly hard, and the pattern of this feels very similar: flashback cravings, moments of crying and sadness, moments of elation, and then a stabilizing on a better plane than before. Sugar took about 2 months to kick. Bananas used to taste bland to me, now they taste incredibly sweet and delicious. My teeth thank me also..
Interesting that others have said that about colors.. Wow..
I also made out a little yesterday with an ex-girlfriend, and I was amazed at how strong the pleasure sensations were from the warmth of her lips and skin, and the intimate feeling of the whole experience - much more than I can ever remember feeling with anyone, to be honest.. I think I've been living in a world of almost zero libido for my whole adult life, urge chopped down by masturbation, sensitivity entirely blunted by porn. I literally don't even know who I am, I don't know what to expect. It may be just a move from a small puddle of sexual feelings to a slightly bigger puddle, and even that would be a win, but hopefully it may be more than that Smile

It's real

What you're feeling is real. It's the whole basis of karezza, the gentle form of lovemaking that was the inspiration for this site. As you brain becomes more sensitive, "ordinary" pleasures become extraordinary. But it's totally unbelievable until you give your brain a chance to bounce back and then experience the changes for yourself. At that point, you feel like shouting, "Why didn't anyone tell me this before?" Wink