Wake up call

Submitted by newleaf on
Printer-friendly version

Hi all, Can I just say that I've spent a good amount of time reading the resources on YourBrainOnPorn, and I am thankful that such a community exists, I just hope I can rid myself of this beast! Here's my story, and I hope today is the end of it:

I've been addicted to porn pretty much constantly since I was about 12, it saddens me even to admit that but that's the truth of the matter. In my first year of secondary school I would come back home early on fridays - knowing full well that the parents wouldnt be back for an hour or so. I vividly remember walking very fast home to make the most of the hour or so I had before the parents came home. Luckily this habit passed once a £40 phone bill hit my parents (56k internet back then!). However, when I think about it now I cant think of any time growing up when I havent been hooked to porn in some way.

On starting uni, I quickly hooked up with an amazing girl and I was to stay with her for about 18 months. Unfortunately I didnt make the most of my university days and avoided social situations in favour of lonesome nights on the internet, which by a series of discoveries turned to me discovering gay porn. I don't know what made me so interested but I began talking online to some guys and considered meeting one. I told my then-gf about it all, and she helped me to get over it.
Roll on 2nd year.

This time I wasn't living on campus, and I was living under a different roof from my gf, and so the loneliness re-emerged. How I didnt notice the correlation at the time is beyond me, but I got really really depressed to the point that I lost all self-esteem and self-respect and ultimately did meet a random guy off the internet. I knew at that point that I had hit rock bottom and sought help from a counsellor. We both agreed that telling my gf wouldnt help anyone - it would hurt her unecessarily and would only serve to make me feel better. Deciding not to tell her, our relationship improved following the counselling, but ultimately ended because I think she knew that although I loved her, my body wanted more that she could give.

My porn habits have been less and less fulfilling as time as gone on, and recently it brought me (now 23) to a new situation. I recently started amassing literally thousands of porn videos, I didnt even watch them all, I just obsessively started collecting it. Really weird. It was like some kind of trophy. I was also bingeing on porn, but edging to prolong my masturbation over several days. When I finally finished (about 4 days ago) not only was it completely dissatisfying, but I was in pain and now seem to be unable to achieve a full erection. Not surprising you may say. But I have literally never had a problem with achieving spontaneous erections, some switch has definitely gone off.
I think biologically this is the lowest I have gone, although mentally the arousal is still there. I really hope I havent done myself serious physical damage and its a real wake up call to what I have done to my brain and body over the years.

My main worry now is that even though I think i can give it up, I'm so scared that ive done irreparable damage I keep trying to test things are still working. Early days I know but it literally terrifies me to think that I might not function again, especially now when I am looking to the future and settling down and am contemplating family life more.

I really hope I can work through this, and I also hope I can support others in a similar position.

Hey Newleaf!

Thanks for sharing your story. By now you understand more about what's going on in your brain, right? I predict you'll be fine, but it may take a couple of months of rebooting. (See http://yourbrainonporn.com/how-i-recovered-from-porn-related-erectile-dy...) Don't try to "test" during that time, as it could slow your progress. Just let your brain bounce back to normal sensitivity. And expect to be anxious a lot. There are tools for coping with that here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change

Today's porn is just too drug-like...as are the ability to "seek" and "edge" endlessly (for the dopamine released), just as you were doing. Our ancestors never coped with anything like this, and some brains just haven't evolved to handle it. They didn't sit around edging for hours. Smile

I was just reading this study in which researchers tried to ask two African cultures about masturbation and homosexuality...and got blank stares.


...Another reason we conducted a study of sexual behavior was that several years ago we asked Aka men about homosexuality and masturbation and were surprised that they were not aware of these practices, did not have terms for them and how difficult it was to explain both sexual practices. They laughed as we tried to explain and describe the sexual activities. We thought that maybe they were shy or embarrassed individuals, but this would have been uncharacteristic of the Aka we had known so long. ...

It was difficult to explain self-stimulation to the Aka. They found it unusual and said it may happen far away in Congo, but they did not know it. A specific word did not exist for it. We asked men, in particular, about masturbating before they were married or during the post-partum sex taboo and all indicated this did not occur. ...

Masturbation also appears to be rare in other forest areas. We asked Robert Bailey (personal communication) about his experiences of trying collect semen for fertility studies from Lese men in the Ituri forest of the Democratic Republic of Congo. He indicated it was very difficult to explain to men how to selfstimulate to obtain semen samples. He said that despite explicit and lengthy instructions three of four semen specimens came to him mixed with vaginal secretions. pp. 113-114