I posted earlier, when I was on day 2, but it got erased or something. I want to post because I need to be able to tell someone about what I am going through and my friends would not understand as they think it is absolutely normal to watch P everyday and M. I am currently on day number 5 of no P/M/O. I have not gone this long without M/O in over a decade! I honestly didn't know I was capable of it.
Thank God for this website because it gave me the knowledge of the damage I was doing. So thank you all for your posts, I read them constantly and they are a source of encouragement and inspiration. Knowing that I am not alone is very comforting.
I knew something wasn't right, having issues of ED at 26, and I thought it could be linked to Porn so I half-assed tried to stop watching the content. Watching the video series from yourbrainonporn.com, gave me the exact knowledge of what was going on in my brain, and it was the catalyst to not only stop porn, but also stop M. Stopping M was never a thought that crossed my mind.
I knew I had to reboot I am not saying I don't have a P problem or that it is not effected me negatively (because it certainly has) but knowing how much damage it has done to me, I am not worried about ever watching Porn again. However, I am scared of trying to go without M/O. Like I said, I am on day 5 and it has been the longest I have gone in over a decade.
The first few days without M/O were not to bad. To be honest it was kind of like that Seinfeld episode where George gave up sex and became a genius. Not that I am any smarter but I feel like I constantly being chased, and the thing that is chasing me is the desire to M. So to outrun it, I have buried myself in books, and exercise. It is not that I necessarily have more energy, it is more that if I slow down, I worry the temptation to M will catch me. I already read The Brain that Changes Itself, and it was fascinating.
Yesterday, I saw a bartender that drove me crazy. I was simultaneously excited that a normal girl, that I just saw, could turn me on and annoyed that I had such strong desires. Day 3, it felt like I was completely dead down there. So this non-linear recovery is certainly true.
Again, to reference another Seinfeld episode, the most difficult part has been not being able to get to sleep, as the gang found out when they had "the competition".
I don't think this post is actually adding any new information for anyone, but I feel like it is good for me to express myself publicly, helps me with the accountability. I am also keeping a private journal, that I write in day to day before I go to sleep. I do it before I go to sleep because that is when I normally looked at Porn and M. If I write in my journal that I succeeded for the day, it mentally enforces me not to M.
Again, I can't thank this site enough for existing. I never thought I would have an addiction. I thought I was just a normal guy. However, judging by my symptoms, I am certainly struggling with something big and I plan on beating it.